I Won’t Do That

Today is super late because I went to visit my friend at the job I don’t like so much and I ended up working and just doing like the fun part of working there for twenty minutes, so that was an unexpected thing that happened today. And I guess it’s not really super late considering I used to post at like 1 or 2 in the morning but for now it seems late since I have to be up early in the morning. Also, I had a good post planned for today but now I will save that for a day when I don’t feel like I’m rushing.

Okay, so I just changed what I was going to blog about last second because something on Facebook sparked my mind. The other day I blogged about how anxiety won’t stop me from doing things I really want to do, yet today I got kind of discouraged because there are some things that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do. My friend posted a video at a crowded restaurant watching the extremely good game of the World Cup today (to be honest I don’t actually know I just heard about it all over twitter) and it was everyone chanting and screaming after what I assume was someone scoring a goal. I watched this video and I thought to myself, I would’ve had to leave way before it even go to that part. I will never be able to go clubbing or go to a sports bar during the World Series or anything like that because my mind wouldn’t be able to tolerate it. I can’t even go to a crowded mass without having to sit outside or leave because it’s either too hot or just too many people freaks me out. That sucks.

I was before writing this I was going to write about wedding and that made me think, what will happen when I go to weddings? Will I freak out then too? What if it’s so bad that I miss one of my sister’s first dances or a best friend slap her spouse with cake? Things like that are harder to control than talking on the phone, because the phone I can hang up. I don’t have to answer, I can ignore it. I can hold going to the bathroom if the place has one that’s only a one person bathroom. I can remove myself from situations, but I don’t want to remove myself from memories. That sucks. It would really suck and that’s what scares me with anxiety. I have no control over what I do or what happens to me. I never want to be in a place where I’m going to miss something important because of anxiety, but it’s going to happen and I really hate that. I really hate that at where I am today, I’ll never be able to go to one of those crazy bachlorette parties that you always hear about (I mean I’d be the DD anyway, but whatever) or for what it seems like even go to a party. When I think about missing that sort of thing, that’s what makes me want to get help, yet even the idea of going to the doctor makes me anxious. Adding to my list of summer goals, I think I want to try and see someone to figure all of this out. I am at an age where I’m supposed to be having the time of my life and instead I’m just trying to have fun without having a panic attack so I skip out on things and I don’t like that.  Hopefully I can get to that point.

XOXO,

Mary.

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