I had a really good post planned and started for today that I was going to finish when I got home from work, however, life is often unpredictable and sometimes it just takes a dump on you all at once. I’m really just upset and not doing well at all. I had a terrible panic attack today at work, so bad I actually had to run outside of the building. Now here I am not finishing that post that will be good because I want it to be good. For now you are just going to have to deal with another post about anxiety and how I feel like it’s ruining my life.
I woke up this morning shaking, I wasn’t cold so I was like okay this isn’t good. I was with friends so I just kind of shrugged it off, we went to breakfast and I ordered coffee (probably a really bad idea on my part) and it didn’t get any better, but then I just blamed it on the coffee. When I got home I couldn’t stop shaking and I figured okay I’m anxious, I’ll be fine. I got to work and I was doing fine, still really shaky but I was managing, then I lost it. I was washing my hands just trying to calm down, saying to myself “Mary you’re safe, nothing is wrong, you are going to be okay. Deep breaths, blink those tears away, deep breaths.” However, it did not work at all, the breaths only got shallower and the tears only came down harder. Before I knew it I was hardly breathing yelling at my manager I had to go outside and I just left. I sat in the corner in the shade for probably about ten minutes just trying to calm down and went back to work. Then on my break I got all worked up again and had another episode, well two actually. I went back to work and stayed until ten then came home and got upset again while writing this and reliving my day.
I hate how I can go from having good days to the worst days. Hopefully tomorrow is better because I have church and a business meeting that I’m sure my friends won’t be too happy with me if I cancel last minute with them.
If it wasn’t for blogging everyday, trust me I wouldn’t be sharing this. Tomorrow (if it’s a good day) I’ll finish my good post. Promise. I’m sorry if I’ve been disappointing anyone lately, I’ve been disappointing myself.