I’m Scared.

Yesterday I asked what my major career goal was. I don’t have one. Yesterday I was asked a question I will be and have been asked millions of times within my lifetime, yet yesterday was the first time I had nothing to say. Like I don’t know what I want to do, but I don’t have any career goals at all. Cool.

I’m tired of people telling me “a lot of people don’t know” and “you’ll figure it out” because that doesn’t mean that right at this moment I don’t feel sick everyday because I feel like I’m wasting my time. Wasting time is a huge anxiety trigger for me, wasting anything is, but especially time. Go ahead, tell me it’ll all work out but that’s not a guarantee. I’m sitting in class and I have no long term goals.

I enjoyed my internship as an experience but I honestly don’t think that I will thoroughly enjoy my life in a cubicle and I guess a goal of mine would to not be completely miserable by the time I’m thirty, and I think I might be miserable if I sit in a cubicle for the next fifty plus years. I go to class and I’m finally in classes for my major and I’m still uneasy and unsure of what I’m doing. I’m in News Writing and she’s already telling us about how many people we’re going to have to call, it takes me at least 20 minutes to make a phone call. I don’t know if I want to interview people my whole life either, trying to overcome anxiety every time I have an assignment.

I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s making me anxious and I’m afraid that I’m either wasting my time here or I’m going to end up somewhere I hate. Life scares me when I don’t have a plan. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I have no goals that go further than hobbies. I focus my energy on things like this that will probably get me nowhere. I put time into crafts, into YouTube, into silly things that will make me happy in the now, not something that’ s going to help me ten years from now. I’m lost, confused, and I have no idea what I’m doing. Most of all I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to end up doing nothing with my life. Afraid, that I’m going to be unhappy the rest of my days. Worried that one day I’ll look back and all that I’ve accomplished is a stable life. I want a good life, not just a stable one. I don’t want to live with regrets and I’m afraid that I’m on path that will lead me to a life with many. I know a life with zero regret is impossible at this point since I already have some, but I don’t want my whole life to be one giant regret because frankly that would just suck. Hopefully I figure it out before it’s too late.

XOXO,

Mary.

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6 thoughts on “I’m Scared.

  1. michellemeows August 29, 2014 / 1:51 am

    I know how you feel, except I do know what i want to study…. or atleast I think I do for now. I’m scared of changing my mind halfway, since i usually am very undecisive, or scared that I wont be the best in what I chose… but that’s college life for you…

    • Mary August 29, 2014 / 10:11 am

      I know what you mean. Indecisiveness is a terrible habit of mine and I think that’s part of my problem too.

  2. gettingthroughanxiety August 29, 2014 / 5:11 pm

    Mary,

    While I understand you’re scared because you’re not sure what you want to do, you do seem to know what you don’t want which in a way, may be just as important. You know you don’t want to be in a job where you’re stuck in a cubicle all day or where you’re maybe constantly making phone calls. Some people aren’t even sure of what they don’t want to do, so in a way you’re one step ahead of those people. Also, the fact that you know that you want to be successful is important.

    While you may look at your hobbies and think that they are only that, maybe you can be the person that creates a different kind of job. Maybe you can be one of the few people that come up with a brand new profession. I know this is hard, but instead of worrying about what you’ll do when school is over, try to focus on enjoying school. I know that when I say this you may want to say that it is easier to say than do (and I totally get that) but you’re just beginning your sophomore year; you have time to think about what you really want to do. Just keep working hard and try to stay positive. Maybe you should make a list of what you are good at and think about whether or not you would enjoy doing that long term.

    • Mary August 31, 2014 / 12:17 am

      Thank you! Good advice (per your usual obviously)!

  3. kamahi August 30, 2014 / 12:19 pm

    This post describes my situation so well. I am also a college sophomore, and honestly I am just taking school semester by semester. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do afterwards. I also feel like I can’t really talk to anyone about it, because they all either give terrible advice simply don’t understand how I don’t know what I want to do, or get irritated with me. While the situation sucks, it’s great to hear others talk about it because at least I know I’m not alone in feeling the way I do.

    • Mary August 31, 2014 / 12:28 am

      Right! I think that’s the best way I’ve heard it put “semester by semester”. The terrible advice is the worst, like “you have plenty of time”, uhh excuse me, two years is not plenty of time thank you very much, or the ever so popular “you can do anything, I’m sure you’ll figure it out” oh cool, I know I can and that’s kind of the problem. You are in no way alone!

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