Up until about a year ago I was waiting for a change that wasn’t going to happen. I was waiting on a message or a phone call that would change my life and obviously it never happened. Almost two years ago I was really, really happy all the time and I lost almost all of my abilities to be my typical cynical self. Then something changed and I was back and more cynical than ever. Not only was I more cynical than ever but I was sad for a good six months in a way that no one really knew because I wasn’t verbal about it and it wasn’t the kind of sad that made me cry every night or affected me a lot it was the kind of sad that was just there in the back of my mind.
I eventually realized that nothing was going to change unless I did something about it and I didn’t want to do anything about it. I thought that it wasn’t my place to initiate the change but that’s not how life works. You can’t just wait around for the perfect thing to happen, you have to make it happen. As soon as I realized this I realized how much time I had wasted just sitting around waiting for something to happen I was over it and a lot happier. Then as soon as the message I had been waiting so long for came, I realized that’s not what I wanted. I wanted my life to be mine again, not in the hands of someone who didn’t care. I didn’t want my emotions to depend upon someone else because that’s not okay.
I don’t know what they wanted when they texted me that day. Maybe it was friendly or maybe it was more, either way, I was friendly but went on my way because that’s not what I wanted. I love that I discovered a different kind of happiness due to him, but I don’t want a happiness that is reliant on someone else, I want one that’s based on my environment and how I’m feeling that day.
What I took away from all this time waiting for a dumb message was why am I so dependant upon this one person to make me happy or make me smile? When really whenever I heard from them I would get more upset because I never felt good enough. I would get stressed because, what did they want from me now? I spent time waiting for someone who didn’t care. I spent time looking for happiness in someone who broke me. I allowed my emotions to be controlled by someone who was hardly in my life and it really affected me.
Now I know that the only person you can count on to always be there is yourself. Everyone else is a temporary piece in your life, which is really sad to think about but no one else can be constant. You never know what’s going to happen so you can’t rely on others to make you happy or influence you in anyway, you only have yourself for that.
It’s great to have friends and build relationships with people but those aren’t the people who see you every day. I’m sure there are people who you see everyday, but that changes. There are people I used to see at the beginning of the school year every day and now maybe I see them twice a week. Things change and things change quickly and you can’t assume that every person is a constant. I used to assume that every person that entered my life would be a constant and I still tend to do that, I just don’t depend on anyone to feel a certain way. It’s great to count on the long term and see someone as a permanent life friend but things do change and to put all of your happiness marbles in one jar is dangerous.
If you can’t be happy with yourself you can’t be happy with someone else. I wasn’t going to post this. I actually wrote most of it a few hours ago. I don’t want people to think that I was sad last year, I want people to understand that it was just a looming feeling that I felt like I couldn’t talk about without a thousand “I told you so’s” and “just move ons”. I’m over it now everyone so I thought I would just give my warnings without a thousand “are you okays” because I am. I’m at a place now where I’m happy enough with myself that if I really wanted to (but I don’t) I could be happy with someone else. Just know that you come first and that you need to take care of yourself first and that if you can’t do that you probably aren’t ready to depend on someone else either.