I have a tendency to think a lot and over think a lot and yet at the same time there are certain people who I never seem to question, yet once I do I can’t stop. For some reason today I’m having a rough day. Not a bad one just an over thinking day that I don’t want to have. I’m over analyzing every relationship I have with every person because I think there are too many detrimental people in my life that no matter what I say or how many times I say it they aren’t hearing it, they’re too self absorbed.
I recently talked about how selfish I’m allowing myself to be, but I would really hope that my selfishness would never impact my ability to see past my own problems and issues to help one of my friends out. I like to think that I’m a good friend and listener.
Today I kind of let it all out for the first time since thoughts have come to me about people in my life at dinner with Zoe and Rachel and they listened. They sat and listened and gave me advice and they assured me that everything happens for a reason. I’m a person that tends to keep a lot inside especially in instances where I feel like there are too many biased parties around me that I don’t know if I can necessarily talk to and the people who I want to talk to are busy.
I know my anxiety has a tendency to play things up. Like if I feel like someone is being weird I’m afraid they don’t like me or don’t want to be my friend anymore. Yet I’m starting to feel like maybe there are some people I don’t know if I want to be friends with them.
Over Thanksgiving break I felt like a lot has changed or in some instances not enough has changed. Time should change some things but I feel like it shouldn’t change everything. I don’t know. Zoe said I need older friends because I’m past the stage where a lot of people are now. I don’t know if that’s what I need or if I just need to be choosier in the first place when deciding who I should be friends with. I need to see who has my best interest in mind. Sometimes I feel like if I didn’t do this or plan this no one would care so maybe I should stop planning things to see if anyone cares enough to do it or plan it themselves. I don’t know. I just feel like I’m in a weird place right now and in a week I’ll be out of it once the stress is all gone.
I hate feeling like I need to cut people out. I’ve cut so many people out of my life in the past two years and it just sucks. I look back at old stuff/pictures and it really sucks. I hate that people who meant so much to me a year ago or even six months ago aren’t in my life. Sometimes when you really care for people you don’t realize how much they’re actually hurting you. It’s terrible to be friends with someone you can’t trust or talk to about anything without feeling like the whole world is going to know. It sucks to know that you’re the one who let all these once important people go and be out of your life but you have to do what’s best for you sometimes. Sometimes that means letting go of some important people that just happen to be detrimental to you own happiness and wellbeing. I say it every year I feel like but 2015 I’m determined to make a no bullshit year which means not putting up with anyone’s crap no matter who they are. I have enough of my own crap to deal with I don’t need people in my life who make me feel bad about that. I don’t mind helping my friends with their problems but I don’t want to feel bad about having or talking about my own because when it comes down to it we’re all human and we all need someone to talk to. I guess on days where I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to I have you guys and that’s really important to me so I suppose that’s where all of this came from. I keep too much bottled up, take my advice and don’t bottle things up.
I decided just to write this all out because who knows, maybe someone will have advice or maybe someone relates and just needs to know that they aren’t alone in feeling like this. I also just needed to get it all out. I have a tendency just to bottle things up and then I get mad and yell which is never good for anyone.
Also if you don’t mind, check out my Dear December series over on YouTube.