I would say since I left for college the future has not stopped looming over my head. The question of what am I doing with myself and my life is the forever question it seems. I go to class and do my work but I’m not passionate about it, I don’t know if I’m not a passionate person or if I just haven’t found anything to be passionate about yet. I’m so jealous of people who find something they love and want to spend the next 50 odd years doing.
I think about the traditional way of life, go to college, meet someone, get a job, get married (sometimes those two are reversed), work, have kids (falls in other places too), work some more, divorce maybe, maybe even remarry, maybe have some more kids, kids grow up, you retire, have grandkids then after hopefully a good 20 years of retirement you die. I hate that. I hate the traditional.
I want to graduate college and help people but if I have an internship at the end of college- which is the goal, I would hope that they would maybe give me a job or I would have to find a job in a field that I like which illiminates my ability to travel and help people right after college. I think once you get that job though you get stuck in a rut of work and life starts faster than you can blink and that’s what really scares me. I’m afraid that I’m going to blink and I’m going to be 50 in a cubicle with a kid in college and a husband and another kid at home. I would say this is easily my second biggest fear, the rut of life.
I think there’s about 20 blog posts of me this year just stressing out about the future. What I’m going to do, what it holds, what is going to happen with me as a whole and as a person and how people are going to affect me in the long run, where I’m going to be in five years. All of it is very overwhelming to think about. I tend to write it all here to get all of these thoughts out of my head because they more they stay in my head the more they drive me crazy. I hate not having a plan, I really hate the unknown. I hate that I don’t know if my glasses might not be in the store tomorrow, so the fact that I don’t know what I’ll be doing 10 years from now pains me.
I keep thinking that one day I’m going to wake up and I’m just going to know what I’m doing with my life and something is just going to fall into my lap and that will be it. I’ll just know what I’m doing, yet that’s not how life works, I feel like you either have an idea or you don’t, I have ideas they just aren’t practical.
I don’t know friends. These are the thoughts that haunt me.