Anxiety

25 Days of Christmas: Day 4- Mental Health During the Holidays

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As you probably know, mental health is something I struggle with, anxiety specifically. That’s part of the reason I’m behind on my 25 days of Christmas.

In general, this week was very busy for me. Aka I started going to the gym and I’m tired. Other than that, I’ve just been very anxious and a little depressed so I don’t really want to fake a smile for my blog writing. That’s why I should’ve gotten ahead like I originally planned, but hey life got in the way.

I’m sure it’s not just me that struggles with mental health during the holiday season. It’s when a lot of people’s seasonal affective disorders strike. For me, I think it’s combined with my period like it is every month, and then just the general idea that I’m supposed to be happy and cheery for the holiday season. This time of year I think is stressful for a lot of people, but that’s not why I’m anxious. I think it’s important to note that anxiety isn’t always tied to stress, sometimes it’s not tied to anything. Right now I think it’s really hormonal mixed with some stuff I don’t really overshare.

Hopefully, this ends with my period, and I can pick up with 25 Days of Christmas. If it doesn’t I’ll try my best but right now, I’m just going with the flow (lol). If you’re dealing with mental illness struggles during this season, just know you aren’t alone.

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Weekend Coffee Share

Mary5 Comments

If we were having coffee you’d be sitting on the other side of the couch at the home I babysit at every Sunday. We would be watch “13 Reasons Why” and I would be ranting about how much I hate boys and I just want to meet a nice man that treats me right and how I hope so badly it’s the one that’s talking to me now. Then I’d tell you that I don’t think it is, which makes me feel conflicted as conflicted can be.

If we were having coffee I’d be sipping my second big cup of the day. Trying to get rid of the headache, the tiredness I’ve been feeling from barely sleeping the past few weeks, and most importantly, just trying to enjoy the taste and calming down.

If we were having coffee I’d pour you a nice big cup. We would talk about all of the things that have been bothering me. My blog, boys, jobs, everything. I would vent, and then let you vent. I’d probably interrupt because that’s probably my worst habit of all. I’d complain about not knowing what to make for dinner, my diet, and then I would whisper “I’ll probably just go to Subway again.”

If we were having coffee, I’d let you know that I think it’s weird the baby has been sleeping for three hours, but I wouldn’t complain. Trust me I’m thankful. I would then go on to show you pictures of how cute he is, and how thankful I am for all of the wonderful families have allowed me to watch over their children this year.

If we were having coffee, I would probably go on a feminist rant, tell you about how much I love social media, and how I wish my blog would thrive. I’d have a lot to say, but at the same time, nothing at all. I’d open up like I used to on my blog. Before I went public with it, before I was applying for jobs, and before when I didn’t have many friends. I’d share my worries, my thoughts, and my doubts.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask you if you want another cup but pour you another no matter what the answer was. The truth is, on Sundays I get to a point where I desperately need to talk to an adult so I wouldn’t really want you to leave.

If we were having coffee, I’d have to eventually excuse myself to get the crying baby and I’d thank you for joining me. I’d invite you back next week and be so happy for my friendships with you.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 28

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I am sitting on our living room floor with about a million and five papers scattered around me along with a host of cold meds, decaf coffee, and some soy and dairy free chocolate. I keep staring at my very out-dated to-do list hoping it will give me answers that it’s not going to give me. I already took my evening dose of melatonin, so my apologies if this is a little scattered, I have to be up at 4:45 to babysit tomorrow morning so better safe than sorry with taking it early.

I have a second interview tomorrow, I’m not one for publicizing this type of information as I see it to be jinx worthy, however, I put everything here and maybe it’s jinx worthy to not ask for your best thoughts. Really, I’m afraid of jinxes no matter what so no matter what I do, if I don’t get this job I’m going to blame it as a jinx on something.

The job hunt in general, has been stressful. I have lost count of the number of jobs I’ve applied for. I’ve stopped applying to anything not on the east coast because I don’t think anybody wants to pay for me to relocate. If you do, ya know, let me know, I’ll move anywhere.

Other than jobs I have a crazy short time until graduation and I honestly can’t believe it. Although cliche, it does it feel like just yesterday that I started this blog in conjunction with my college career. While I’m so excited to be done school and get out of the classroom and maybe even out of my parents house (no offense, just looking for new), I’m not quite as ready for bills and whatever else real adults have to do. I want to do all the fun things and skip everything I might ever have to worry about. Generally, I’m more excited than not.

I’ve been working a lot this year to get to a point where I’m comfortable. I should’ve spent less but I’m considering this my last few months to be a little reckless. I babysit ALL the time, less now than earlier this year, but still a lot. I also work at the marketing department at my school, and as an intern. There might be other things I’m forgetting but, it’s been good. I think it’s been helping me prep for the future of being busy. If I could be a professional nanny, it’s definitely something I would consider. However, I did not go to college to do that, so I should really use the skills I’ve developed to please my parents and myself.

Anyway, here’s a little bit of my word vomit for everyone. How’s you job hunt going? Any tips for me? Anyone successfully freelancing and have some advice? Let me know!

Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 27

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It has been quite sometime that I’ve ventured to this little corner of my blog, one of my previously most written in sections, I mean 27 posts is quite a few. Speaking of 27, Mary Fun Fact™ it’s my favorite number.

Recently, I have been very anxious again. I don’t know if it’s the boy stressing me out (yes of course he had to text me) or I drank too much this past weekend but I can’t shake it. It’s so annoying.

Besides the point, I have exactly two months until graduation. It’s absolutely insane. I cannot believe how quickly my time in college has gone. The past four years have flown by like no other. I remember when I finished middle school my mom was talking to my best friend and me about how quickly time was going to start going and I think about last year I realized how true that was. There’s a part of me who never wants to leave college, and then there’s a bigger part of me that’s very excited for the future.

This spring break was probably my most uneventful yet. I didn’t work, we had a snow day, and I went home for the weekend. However, other than my desire to be reading on a beach somewhere, I really appreciated all of the downtime I finally had. I probably should have done more school work than I did, but there’s a reason it’s a break.

I’m not sure what else really should be in here. I feel like there are a million things I have to say, yet nothing at the same time. I guess for now, this is my update.

What’s going on with everyone else?

Happy LNBM!

So I’ve been 22…

Mary8 Comments

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Okay so I didn’t write last year (2016) around my birthday, why? Because I wasn’t writing. Am I getting better now? A little bit but not really. So, in order to try and be a better blogger I’m going to write about 22 so far.

Here’s the thing: I’m feeling it, I’m feeling 22. It’s my Taylor Swift year, and that’s the best way to look at it as a positive thing in my opinion. I have not been taking aging in my twenties thus far very gracefully, each year is met with extreme expectations that are never quite met with the enthusiasm that I picture to be. So, by making this my Taylor Swift year I’m attempting to live my life like the “22” song that everyone seems to be quoting on their Instagrams this fateful year. As well as a host of all the Taylor Swift songs that I’ve ever aspired to see myself in.

Now, I’m the first of my friends for the most who turned 22 back in September, so that’s always been like an existential thing for me, it just makes me feel older than I am. However, I would say this was definitely the best celebration yet for 22 and I had started off my year on quite the kick. By that I mean I got pretty drunk with some of my best friends. I think that set a precedent for 22. Yes, I’m drinking more than I ever have (once a week, chill out, nothing too crazy) but it’s okay. This is my last year as  a pre-adult so I’m doing whatever I want for one more year and I think that’s really okay.

22 so far has been a time for self-actualization and self-love. I’ve been letting myself really do what I want, I mean I’m sure the Zoloft helps with that, but I’m finally doing things that I’ve always wanted to but stopped myself from doing. While I’m still often referred to as mom, I’m doing less-momish things and putting myself first sometimes. Not all the time, I do still have a problem saying no, but I’m trying to get better at it. I’ve also gotten a lot better at trying to make my life work for me, and at the end of the day what’s going to make me happy.

22 so far has been a time for friendships and lack of toxic relationships. The week after my birthday I started cutting out people who were toxic to me because that isn’t something I need to deal with. So I’ve worked on friendships with people who equalize their relationship with me, if that makes sense. Yes friendships are a two-way street, and sometimes they require more give than take, but it shouldn’t be that way all the time. So I found new friends, grew old friendships, formed new ones, and left the bad ones. There are too many good people in this world to surround yourself with people who make you feel bad about yourself.

22 so far has been a time for thoughts surrounding my future, as if that isn’t what I’ve been doing for the past four years of college. However, now it’s different. It’s more real. I’m applying for jobs, seeing what is best for me and my future. I have to think about things like benefits and the cost of living in cities where I apply to jobs compared to the salary. It’s a lot to think about.

So far, I think 22 has been good to me, maybe I’ll update you when I turn 23 about how the rest of the year goes. For now, I’m feelin’ 22.

Are you 22? Did you learn something new about yourself when you were?

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Taking Care of my Anxiety

Mary13 Comments

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If you’ve been around for a while, and I mean like at least a year because 2016 has the year that I don’t blog really, you know that I have struggled with anxiety for quite some time now. I got back to school this year and I couldn’t sleep through the night. I didn’t have too much going on yet, but I would still wake up in a panic thinking I had slept through my alarm or forgot to do an assignment but really I had handed in the assignment the day before and it was 3 am so I obviously hadn’t slept through my alarm.

Seeking Help

It was interrupting my life in a way that it had never done so before. My school (and I believe most schools do) offers a free counseling center for students. Since I am a senior graduating in May, I figured this was the time to start going while I still had the opportunity to go for free. I got in nearly right away and had an appointment with a woman who is now my therapist. On the first day, since I had gone so longer trying to regulate it myself through giving up caffeine, breathing techniques and a variety of other solutions I had found on the internet that did not work, she said I should consider talking to the psychiatrist.

Considering Medication

For the longest time this is something that I heavily opposed. I did not want to be medicated, I didn’t want a medicine to regulate my mood, but I wasn’t sleeping and that was effecting me as a person and I couldn’t do it that way anymore. So alas, I decided to pay him a visit. At our first session he said that I was a good candidate for medication and to be quite honest, I was really just tired of fighting my anxiety on a daily basis. The way he explained it to me is that my brain is like an accidental bicycle path. One person ran through the grass, so another person did, and then another, and eventually there was no more grass there and that’s what my anxiety did to my brain. The medication he said would be like the grass seed, helping the grass to grow, it would help my brain to return to its original form almost.

Going into the appointment I wasn’t really sure the route I was going to take. It was a lot to think about, but the exhaustion I felt from being anxious all the time was overwhelming. By the end of the appointment I decided to try medication to see if it would change anything in me.

The Battle in My Brain

I kept going to therapy, every week like clockwork. I would talk to her about my issues with newspaper, friends, and other concerns and fears that I face in life. It has been extremely beneficial to have a third-party listen and give input to what I have to say without bias other than to make me feel like I’m not crazy. However, there was still that little voice in the back of my head telling me everything I was doing wrong, making me feel like I couldn’t do a lot of things, and really just messing with me still. I have a very busy schedule right now and it has made it easier to push to the back of my mind, however, it was still there. The panic attacks lessened and I was less anxious, but any downtime that I had, I reverted back to my old ways of anxious feelings and emotions.

Back to the Psychiatrist

After a month on being on my medication, and not having the improvements that should have occurred while taking it, the psychiatrist suggested that I up my dosage. While I was hesitant at first, I am so glad that I decided to increase it. The past few days, I’ve barely felt anxious and I’ve been very happy. With the last dosage I was inexplicably happy when I would forget to take my medication which really made me want to go off of it. However, by increasing it, the past two days especially, I have been on cloud nine. I have felt extremely positive about my life. Of course it’s not perfect, I still get anxious and annoyed when I’m in a situation that I’m uncomfortable in, but it is light years away from where I used to be even just a few weeks ago.

The Take Away.

Please talk to someone if you are suffering with mental illness. My own anxiety kept me from going for so long. I was afraid of what they would say, but at the end of the day they aren’t there to judge you, they’re there to help you. If you are in college, chances are it’s probably free and it will be extremely beneficial to your mental health. Don’t wait until you are at your breaking point to go. If you in any way, shape, or form feel like your mental health is suffering– talk to someone! Chances are you will feel so much better.

I’ve decided to share this because I can only hope it will encourage someone else to do something about their mental health situation. At the end of the day, I don’t want this to be a secret, everyone close to me knows, I put it in the newspaper, because it is an amazing resource that we have readily available as college students. Medication is up to the individual, I hope that this is not a lifetime thing I need to do, however, if it will keep me from being anxious, at this point I don’t care. I want to feel better, and I want everyone suffering from mental illness to feel better.

At the end of the day you need to surround yourself with positive people who care and love you. A strong support system will really help you get through anything, even if that’s a little encouragement to talk to someone. So to my personal support system– online and off, thank you.

Take care of yourself.

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Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 26

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late night blogging with mary

I’m back at school and trying to get back to blogging. I’ve just had the year of bloggers block which I think might lead to a year of daily blogging but we’ll see. However, right now I’ve just been in my head.

I don’t know if it’s my anxiety, fear of the future, or just simply how my brain works sometimes but I’m just stuck some days. Like here is the thing, I’m a senior in college now and nine out of ten days I just don’t feel prepared I suppose. Like I will be done my major in the fall, and then I have to decide whether or not I want to do the concentration (one more class). That’s it. 29 credits stand between me and the diploma I’ve been craving for the past eight years. Yet, that’s it. Like it was all this build up and anticipation to this year and I’m just very underwhelmed.

Another thing, I’m like super back into like videos. I go through phases with this stuff. Like right now I definitely want to get into artsy vlogs. Like I don’t really want to do those follow me around types, but more of a from my eye point of view type of things. I really just like editing and how you can put together this vision that you have in your head and I want to do more of that and I would like to consider that an option for my future, however, that would be very, very hard.

I’m also going to go through a major rebrand this summer. Or so I say. My whole life my internet presence since the fifth grade from Neopets to email, I’ve been mrmilligan13. However, that does make me look like Mr. Milligan. I will be running a twitter pole within the next couple of weeks, so make sure you’re following me for updates and if you would like to vote in what my rebrand should be. Also let me know if you have any ideas because I have zero. The only reason that I think I might want to keep it is because men are statistically more successful than women, do I join the bad side? No. Because women should be equal and I shouldn’t have to hide behind a “mr” in all of my usernames to be successful. So I’m rebranding.

Finally, I just think everyone should know that I watched Girl Meets World from 2-3 am before bed last(?) night (morning?) and sobbed hysterically because I have missed my opportunity for a Corey Matthews. Then for this season they recreated one of the sequences from the theme song of Boy Meets World and I just cried. I’m emotional.

Happy LNBM, I’ll  be around more hopefully!

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Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 24

Mary1 Comment

late night blogging with mary

I hate the number 24, and I also hate that I chose to number this series. I always have to look up what number I’m at. Happy last three weeks of school which always suck.

I just made the mistake of looking at my planner and that was quite upsetting. I have so much to do and so little time. Deadlines are rapidly approaching and the semester is dwindling away. I can’t believe it’s already April. I am a mixture of very ready for summer and I need more time in this semester.

Currently, my blog sucks and summer I think will be the cure. I want to do some more adventure posts, I want to do a weekend trip to the beach, at least one, and I really just want to go somewhere new too. I would also like to clean out the nearly 200 drafts I have piled up, see what’s worth salvaging and what’s worth deleting. I just have such an issue with deleting my writing. I don’t know why. I’m trying to make it through the semester without getting too anxious, you know because I have complete control over that (sense the sarcasm). The last two weeks were filled with middle of the night panic attacks and what seems to be a case of strep throat.

I want to be better. I always want to be better and I think that’s why I have anxiety sometimes. There will always be something wrong with everything I do. I think most people would think that’s great, always wanting to be better, but for me, I just get hung up on everything I’m doing wrong. I don’t know. Brains are weird.

I’m mentally exhausted and it’s Monday.

Monday tip, only look at Monday on  your planner so you don’t cry.

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Tuesdays.

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Today is Tuesday. That’s a fact. It’s also March 1, spring is in the air, however, I’m exhausted.

tuesdays

Exhaustion seems to be a common theme for me this semester, especially Tuesdays. For me, Tuesday is the halfway through the week, but by far the longest day of the week. I have three classes, like I do every day. I just find it so long.

I’m most productive on Tuesdays. I do my homework, I get stuff done, but for some reason, they’re still very daunting to me. I dread them every week. Ironically, up until this semester I’ve always had an unusual fondness for Tuesdays, and I still sort of do, good things have always happened to me on Tuesdays so I like them the best.

Tuesdays and I right now are just not getting along.  They have too much work, too much to do, and sometimes too much ambition. Tuesdays are the days that I bite off more than I can chew, more than I can handle for the upcoming week. Tuesdays are the “if I just have one more cup of coffee I can do it” days.

Once upon a time, Tuesdays were great, and the reason they were great is that they didn’t hold the surprises that I think Mondays tend to contain, but they are starting to sink to levels of Mondays.

I’m starting to think Thursday is the new Tuesday.

How is your Tuesday?

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Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 21

Mary9 Comments

late night blogging with mary

Have I said recently that I’m exhausted? The classwork is non-stop this semester which explains my unfortunate lack of posting. It’s a lot at once or like none, I just need to remember when it’s none to stay on top of it. But at the same time, when it there isn’t any homework to do there’s a million other things to do. Basically I’m very tired a lot of the time.

Let’s also talk about anxiety for a moment. I hate it. I hate when I’m fine for so long, then like it hits me like a ton of bricks. I just feel like right now there’s expectations of me from everyone and I’m afraid to disappoint people and then I have my own stuff to do and it leads to a mind overload. I also feel like it’s too early in the semester for this. I don’t know, hopefully it doesn’t stick around because I am too tired for this.

On a side note, I’m starting another blog for class, so I’ll be sharing that here too.  Once something is up, I’ll share the link. It’s a crafting blog and once the class is over, hopefully I’ll be in the habit so I’ll be able to do some more of those on this blog. However, I have to do 14 posts for that class, so there’s a chance that there will be less posts on here. I’m basically MIA anyway so maybe it won’t even matter.

I also have a little bit of a rant for this LNBM, Netflix on my iPad has not been working. It logs me out all the time, once an episode finishes I have to kill the app and sometimes login again just to get it to work. How am I supposed to hate Nurse Jackie if I can’t even watch the show?!

Speaking of Nurse Jackie, what a weird show. I’ve never hated the main character of a TV show so much. When I watched Gossip Girl, I disliked the main characters in a rotating fashion, every four episodes I didn’t like a new person, however, it wasn’t consistent dislike of anyone. Nurse Jackie, on the other hand, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually liked her character. I don’t know if that’s how it’s supposed to be or if that’s just me. I really liked Zoey at first, but then all the sudden she’s a mini-Jackie. I just don’t know. Anyone else have an opinion?

What are your late night thoughts? Mine are: going to bed before my  mind literally explodes.

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