Being a Woman.

As a woman there are a million and one things that tell you what you should and shouldn’t be. If you look closely at what those things are you will find that almost all of the are contradictory. I honestly don’t think the internet helps with this either. It makes me sad that everything a woman does is criticized and examined to a point where as a woman I don’t want to be looked at as a woman, I just want to be looked at as if I were a person.

It’s bikini season, right now women everywhere are dreading, or have already finished, bathing suit shopping. I feel like this is a time of the year where I see a lot of fat-shaming online. Every year it seems to get less, but there seems to be a lot of people every year telling women they shouldn’t be proud of themselves. I don’t think it’s fair to automatically deem someone unhealthy just because they’re larger. People seem to think that once we accept larger people we are accepting an unhealthy lifestyle and embracing obesity. I do not believe that’s true, we are just accepting people and not judging them based on outward appearances, so remember that when you’re at the beach this summer. I think it’s terrible that women dread this time of year, I don’t know if it’s because so many of truly don’t like to look at ourselves in swimsuits or it’s the image of what we should look like. I just wish I could go to the store, try on a bathing suit and be comfortable. Here’s the catch though, I can try on most swimsuits and be comfortable with myself, but the problem is: What are people going to think of me when I go out in this? How many people are going to think I’m too big? How many people are going to think “She shouldn’t be wearing a bikini”? and I hate that those are my thoughts, as long as I’m comfortable, shouldn’t everyone around me be fine with that too?

As a woman you are always judged, especially based on appearance. If you wear makeup you try to hard, but if you don’t you don’t try enough. If you don’t dress up you’re lazy, if you do suddenly the question is “Why are you so dressed up?” As if you need a reason to put on a skirt instead of jean or leggings in the morning.

 

Then bring in the boys. Oh the boys we are supposedly trying so hard to impress. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to impress a guy, I’m not going to sit here and type out how you should never do that because that would be super hypocritical because I definitely do that, but that’s not my main aim in life. Guys act like everything we do is in order to please them or impress them, but that’s not true and I think that idea needs to stop. Also the idea that everything women wear is for men, ie crop tops and bikini, if a man is turned on that is his problem not the women. Women do not sexualize men, why do men sexualize women?

Look at someone like Taylor Swift- always looks like she’s put together, but rumors will never stop going around about her. She’s too skinny, she dates too much, she can’t be a feminist because all of her songs about men. Here’s the difference, these aren’t always men criticizing her. This is my last and final point of this very scattered post. In order for women to be treated equally we have to be nice to each other. We can’t bash other people for what they want to do with their lives, we can’t say it’s not feminism to be a stay at home mom or dress however you want. We have to stick up for women like Caitlyn Jenner. Girls and women have to be nice to each other and respect one another if we ever want feminism to succeed and for men to be on our side.

Just some late night thoughts on feminism with Mary.

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“Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”

I accidently took a break that lasted far too long… Again. This week got busy and I got tired and other things got prioritized so my apologies for the lack in posts. It was one of those things that just happened- I realized it and didn’t stop it which is something I should have done. I don’t know this is unfortunately something that happens when I stop pushing myself so I need to start doing that again.

Something I really believe is that you can help to create the life you want. I mean I don’t think anyone has complete control over everything that happens to them but you can control how  you handle things. I strive to be a more positive person so if I continue to act positive I will grow more and more positive even if right now I’m not actually positive if I pretend to be the mindset that I am will grow until I really am a positive person.

This applies to things like “dress for the job you want,  not the job you have” this is a much more literal sense of what I mean. Like I don’t think this means if you want to be an olympic skater you should wear those costume to your job at Burger King, you’ll probably get fired, but if you want to be a CEO and you work in a cubicle, dress like a CEO. If you believe it then you can do it.

A lot of life depends on what you put into it. Your thoughts help to create who you are. If you stand in the mirror and tell yourself how ugly you are, your mind is going to believe you no matter how beautiful you are. If you can stand in the mirror everyday and add one good thing about yourself and how you look, you’ll slowly become more comfortable with how you look. Rather than believing you’re ugly you will start to believe that you’re pretty. Find the good in yourself rather than the bad.

So much of someone’s perception of themselves is based on what their minds create. Yes, this is also based off of what other people say about them and I do know there’s psychological things that prevent this from happening too, but control as much as you can. Try to build up your self image enough so that it’s harder for people to tear it down. Once you start you to create a positive image of yourself and a positive mindset you can develop it. Or if you want it to be negative you can do it that way. You can help to create what you want in life for a good part of that. Well maybe not- it’s starting to work for me, so maybe I’m weird or maybe it’s really all in what you think. Try to promote what you want to see in your life and maybe you’ll start to see it.

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I wish I was, I’m glad I am.

I think there are always things we think that we wish we were. I wish I was thinner, I wish I was more athletically talented, but I wish I was still more girly, I wish I didn’t have anxiety, I wish I could break the rules without feeling absolutely terrible, but I’m none of those things. I’m curvy, I’m lazy, I only do makeup if I feel like I’m obligated to, I can hardly go a day without feeling at least a little anxious, and if I even consider breaking the rules I freak out, but those little things is what makes me who I am.

We’ve grown accustomed to focus on all these things that we wish we are, maybe it’s because we have the ability to change things about us, maybe it’s because we see so much of what we could be. Technology is so developed that not only can we change what we don’t like about ourselves via surgeries, but we can see all of these people that we want to be like or look like on the internet, people we never would’ve known about without the mainstream mediums of media. We see all these “role models” of the “perfect” people that are nothing but photoshopped or displaying the perfect parts of their lives. We model our lives after the people who we think we want to be, but I think along the way we lose who we really are.

It’s okay to change habits so that you’re a better person, like to be healthier or fitter, but it starts getting weird when we start modeling our whole lives after other people’s. People will change their style, their beliefs, their thoughts all based on what a famous person does, or maybe even a friend or just some stranger on Instagram. There’s so much going on around us and I think we get way to caught up in all of it, I know I do sometimes and I hate that sometimes I really forget to be my own person.

As a kid we’re all individuals and as we grow up we lose that individuality that sets us apart from the rest, we like to think we’re different but really everyone is trying to fit the mold of who people think they’re supposed to be. Somewhere along the line all we want to do is fit in and fitting in isn’t being your own person it’s being the person your friends want you to be, your parents want you to be, your teachers want you to be, and that just gets clouded with the person YOU want to be. This whole idea of “I wish I was” doesn’t really just come from yourself and media it comes from the pressure around you too. The pressure of, “You could eat healthier, you could work out, why are you wearing leggings and a sweatshirt AGAIN? Put some makeup on, why don’t you just calm down? Seriously just move on, live a little.” can all get to be a little too much sometimes, especially when you think all of those things to yourself too.

Since moving onto college and learning more about myself I think I need focus more on who am rather than what everyone thinks I should be and maybe even changing what they expect me to be. I want to be myself. I don’t want to be afraid of what people think of me when I don’t leave my room for the day because I just feel anxious or I just feel lazy. I don’t want to feel bad when everyone only eats one cookie at dinner and I eat two, even though I skipped the fries. I don’t want to feel weird when my hair is in a messy bun and I’m wearing sweats. Honestly, I just want to be content with  who and what I am without letting others influence that decision. My little insecurities, my differences, my peculiarities are what make me who I am, and the same goes for everyone. Those insecurities drive us to hide away from what we really want to be, it’s what drive people to be miserable their whole life. I don’t want to be miserable my whole life. I want to be content, why doesn’t everyone strive for happiness instead of the standard cookie cutter human being they’re expected to be? I will never understand.

Here’s to standing out my friends.

XOXO,

Mary.

Insecurities.

I’ve blogged about weight and looks numerous times and have always touched on insecurities but today I thought I would really expand on why they’re such a problem for more women and even men today.

Growing up I don’t know if I ever heard anyone say anything positive about their bodies, not just those in my own house but even on TV. You never hear anyone say “Wow I love the way this top flatters me.” or “Oh my gosh, I look really beautiful today.” I think the closest I ever heard to any of this was “This is better than nothing.” I’m not quite sure why this is the way it is. Why can’t a woman get up on tv and say nice things about herself? Why is it so much more common for a woman to degrade her body? I was watching Boy Meets World before work today and Morgan who at the time of the episode was probably 5 years old, put her doll in the microwave, took it out all melted and said “I don’t care what she looks like, Debbie’s my doll and I love her.” To which her mother responds, it’s okay we’ll buy you a new one. I know it’s a messed up doll but still, that’s teaching your daughter two things, if you mistreat your toys you get new ones and to not love something because it’s different.

Now that I’m older I feel all of those things about myself. Last night I wrote about my hair. I hate my hair so much. I hate that I don’t know what to do with it ever besides put it in a messy bun because at least that’s okay when it looks frizzy. I hate the stretch marks on my inner thighs. I hate that I have a weird posture because I used to slouch too much and never listened to my mom to sit up. What if instead I sat up thinking about how great my boobs look in a shirt. Or how my waist is a good thing to accentuate because it’s a good shape. What if I examined the way my glasses complimented my face. The thing I hate most is hearing my little sisters saying the same type of things about themselves. We went shopping the other day and I hated my sister saying “that makes me look fat” or “I don’t like how pale this makes me look.” I understand that some things may not look flattering, but I felt like we were ignoring about how good something made her look.

I’ve read a lot of posts that inspired this that I will be linked below. I just think it’s important that rather highlighting the parts of our bodies we hate we concentrate on the parts of our body that we love. Imagine some you love telling you about how much they hate themselves, wouldn’t you want them to stop? You should stop too. Insecurities are a part of life. They are a part of looking in the mirror, putting on a bikini. I can almost guarantee it that no one is one hundred percent content with themselves, everyone has insecurities it’s part of life. However, just because you have those insecurities it does not mean that they need to hold you back or anyone else for that matter.

One thing I’ve always hated is when a thin friend says something like “I hate how fat I look,” all I can think then is how fat do I look? If they look fat I must look obese. Instead I think we should compliment ourselves. Please write your favorite thing about yourself in the comments today to help inspire others to feel good about themselves as well as helping you to feel good about yourself.

XOXO,

Mary.

Check out these posts and articles that you may enjoy as well:

Real Beauty

Okay so I’m behind, yes I knew about it but I have yet to write about it. What is it you ask? Real beauty. In case you were not aware, Aerie has a campaign going on about real beauty, they no longer remove moles, freckles, tattoos, or any imperfections, they are teaching girls to embrace them. So as I shared with you guys a few weeks ago, that I’m trying to treat my body better than I have in the past 19 years and since I shared all those wonderful details about my body with you why not share some more? First of all I would just like to brag at my view while I’m writing this, I’m looking outside my window on a side street of Times Square, listening to the beeping and construction (why it’s this late I’ll never know) and I just love cities, I swear I sleep so much better here.

Up until puberty I was a stick, literally arms and legs lankily hanging out of clothes, not exactly gracefully, but whatever. Then in about a year, I began to change like most do, all of the sudden I was graced with boobs, that were larger than most my age, and hips that made my legs expand to be quite larger than what my body was previously used to all of my 13 years of being a very boney person. It was around this time that I started to become a little insecure, and I think my quick metabolism recognized this and said “Well we’ve had our good times, but your body wants to change and I want to leave. Sorry your easily skinny years are over, peace!” and this took me a while to figure out.

I don’t know if everyone remembers when they first start becoming very insecure, but I do. It was the summer before 8th or 9th grade I was sitting on my best friend Hannah’s driveway, with her and another girl, and the other girl says “casually” staring at my thighs, “Do either of you have any stretch marks?” I remember sitting there in that moment, thinking to myself, “of course I do puberty hit me like a ton of bricks, but I don’t want to say that…” So instead I was just said, “yes, I have some here on my thighs, and I have some on my boobs, would you like to see those too?” and I’m pretty sure the topic was quickly changed. I remember just being ashamed to wear shorts, wear any type of tight shirt, just my own skin became uncomfortable for me to be in and that’s not a way for a 14 year old to feel. Looking back, I wish I would’ve talked to my mom about this, even know she is so supportive and encouraging as I try to become more health conscious as well as my dad. That was the first time anyone had acknowledged my insecurities to my face and it made me feel worse than I ever had before.

During high school I became more confident with my weight and how I looked, but I was always comparing myself to other people, “Oh her legs are smaller than mine, but my stomach is flatter.” or “She might have a flat stomach, but my boobs are better” and I don’t know why I compared my chest size to other girls, because I hid them all of high school with very few exceptions, like I made sure my prom dress made them look smaller. It was just another insecurity. However, I noticed the more and more I compared myself to other people the more imperfections I found in myself.

Now that I’m in college, I’ve noticed my insecurities growing (with the exception of the boobs, they’re whatever, they do what they want). My stretch marks have now made their way down my thighs due to to the freshman fifteen (okay more like ten) that I was convinced I wasn’t going to get, as well as are on the sides of my stomach, and even more so on my boobs because they don’t want to stop growing it seems. For me all this does is bring up old insecurities that for so long I was ashamed to have, let alone think about. All I want to do is hide my body. Recently, I decided it was time to try on a pair of jean shorts that I bought last spring, and to my dismay, they would not zip. Alas, I have to spend more money on yet another size up in shorts, however I will fork up the money because I do NOT plan on spending my summer in jeans, no thank you, Pennsylvania. But notice, that I’m buying shorts, I’m not hiding in jeans all summer just because my body isn’t perfect.

The point of this post was not to tell you about how puberty did nothing for me besides bring with it insecurities that I will literally have the rest of my life, but instead to help me embrace my body, and maybe help some of you embrace yours. If I feel confident enough in July to wear my bikini to beach week, I will, if I don’t I’ll be disappointed in myself, but I’m going to to do what I think is good for me. I wish I had the courage to post a picture of me in a bikini right now to show you guys my puberty scars, the physical remnants of what has left me with lasting damage, but I will not post a picture in my underwear, and I don’t have any bikinis here for me to do that in either, maybe eventually I’ll do that. However, with the world slowly realizing that every woman is beautiful, I encourage each and every girl here to do the same. Trust me, there is something beautiful about you and I hope someone will show you that. I love that I have great skin, my eyes have a unique color, my nose is little, and if I wanted I could really show off some nice cleavage.

Please comment with something that makes you love about yourself, and support someone else who comments!  Thanks for reading!

XOXO,

Mary.

Being Healthy

I’m trying to be healthy. This is hard. I like fries, but I haven’t eaten them in three weeks. I’m trying to eat less fatty foods, less sugary foods and it’s hard. It’s really hard. Before I came back last week I went food shopping with my family, who is extremely helpful. My dad and I looked at the ingredients on various products trying to find the healthiest options. The most unhealthy thing I purchased was fat free chocolate pudding, which I’m proud to say I have only eaten one of and I ate it over the course of two days in the week five days I’ve been back. I even stopped getting desserts in the dining hall because I don’t even want to know how many calories are in that stuff. As well as stopped drinking soda and other high sugar juices.

However, I’m starting to feel the difference. I feel less icky. All winter I’ve been hiding in my leggings afraid that my jeans might reveal the weight I had gained, well I put them on for the first time in about four months today and they fit just about perfectly, maybe a little snug. These little changes have me a little excited. I’m hoping by the week I go to the beach I’ll feel comfortable in my bikini and the crop top I accidentally bought.

The main reason I’m doing this is so I can feel more confident about myself. I love that I have a figure, but I wouldn’t mind if it got a little smaller. I think that I would just feel more comfortable in my skin if I started eating better and taking better care of myself. There are obviously things I have to do, like learn to like salad. I’m going to try it again at lunch tomorrow (ick). I also need to start exercising but I keep putting it off. A big part of my problem is that I despise sweating. Like half the reason I don’t like the heat is because I sweat. So I think Saturday I’m going to take a morning jog to the Starbucks downtown and use my free drink coupon and get an iced coffee. Maybe I’ll bring a book or my laptop to blog or something. Who knows maybe I’ll even chill out in the cute little park they have here.

I’ve talked a few times about being comfortable in your skin and I think I need to take my own advice. It doesn’t matter if you’re a size 0 or a size 20 as long as you are healthy and happy it’s all that matters. So I’m going to take a step in the right direction, right now I’m anywhere from a size 6-10 (wouldn’t it be nice if companies used the same standards?) and my goal is to be a 4-6 but I’ll probably stick right around the 6 region. I just want to be happier with myself and how I feel. I’m tired of feeling disgusted every time I look in the mirror. I’m tired of crying any time I think about stepping on a scale. So here’s to hoping for a healthier me.

Thanks for reading guys, and I ask for any tips you have for being healthy because I can really use them!

XOXO,

Mary.

Also tomorrows post will most likely be really late, like 2-3 am due to the fact I’m obligated to go to a school dance. More details on that tomorrow.

I hate shopping/body insecurities/anxiety.

So today I went shopping, which should be fun, right? I’m a girl, I’m supposed to enjoy shopping. Well today it sucked. I have a very unfortunate family picture that needs to be taken Sunday and the color scheme is black and grey and I feel too fat to wear jeans but I don’t want to wear a dress and it’s turning into a thing and I’m annoyed about it. Well anyway this horrid shopping trip continued to get worse because as soon as I get the slightest bit worked up my anxiety starts to arise and I get uncomfortable and cranky. Like all of the sudden I was hot and I felt like my clothes were way to tight- and they weren’t, and I felt like I was about to cry and I did as soon as I was in the car. The worst part about getting all worked up like that is I can’t stop it now, like it’s four hours later and I’m still trying to calm down. I hate that as soon as I have one they come back in little spurts but the spurts are like, oh I can’t breathe, this sucks, or oh my body is shaking uncontrollably and I think I could rip my skin off. So sorry for the short post today but I can’t sit at the computer and think of words to write in a logical manner so this is kind of crappy today, sorry. Thanks for reading anyway!

XOXO

Mary

Answer

January 8:  His grandnephew founded the government agency that became the FBI.

Question

January 9:  What is the record high number of points scored by a losing team in a National Basketball Association game?

Why aren’t I allowed to be self/ body confident?

Would you like to know something that drives me absolutely bonkers?  Well it doesn’t really matter if you want to or not because I’m going to write about it anyway. Please keep in mind that as I write this post I will be exposing a lot of myself and it is hard for me to write but I have a lot of things that must be said on this topic so I will be sharing.

There is something very wrong with todays society.  As a girl, who is often uncomfortable with myself whether it be my weight, body in general, looks, hair, personality, anything, being self-confident is hard. If you would like to know what I look like go ahead and enjoy my icon.

We have grown up in a society where if you are not a size two (four if they’re being generous) or less then that as a woman you are “fat”. However, if you are this small someone will criticize your thinness, and you are “too” this, whether or not you can help how you look.  Basically as a female you are not allowed to like how you look, thin, fat, or in between.  My size varies from a size six to a size ten.  I just said my size on the internet and I don’t give a damn.  Go ahead, call me fat, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard it.  But I am finally starting to be comfortable with how I look and society can not tell me other wise.  And yes, I do consider myself curvy.  I have a rather large bra size if you ask me, even though there are bigger, my hips are a little wider than I’d prefer, but yes I have curves. And why do I have curves you ask? Because I am a girl who likes to eat. I love food, I’m sorry I will not only eat salads and grilled chicken because that is what will help me get thin, NO. I will eat my  french fries and chicken nuggets! This is what I like to eat and I will continue to eat them in moderation because that is what makes me happy!

This brings me to my next little rant. How I look in general. I have frizzy hair. I don’t like it. I have furry eyebrows, I don’t like them. I have a little button nose, I love it.  I have tiny wrists, I love them.  I have big hands, I don’t like them. I have some freckles, I think they’re cute. What?! I like things about myself?! Yes I do! And in case you didn’t notice for every one thing I don’t like about myself I have something I do like. I could go on and on about every little piece of myself on how I feel about it, if I like or not, but I’m not going to because you don’t need to read that and I don’t need to think about it.  But I encourage all of you to do that too, find something you like about yourself, and when someone compliments you on it say “thanks me too” they might think your conceited but be confident in yourself and how you look!  Stop letting society tell you that you’re ugly or tell you that your fat.  Embrace yourself as you are because that is how God made you!  For once in your life be happy with who you are!

Girls! I am tired of feeling bad about myself, and I don’t know if you feel the same or not but really! It sucks!  I’m tired of looking in a magazine and having to look at the pictures labeled “curvy” because I am not that size but I’m also not “tiny”.  I am myself.  I try to cover up the sections of where it says “Body Type” because if something looks good on me and I like it (and if it’s within budget of course) I’m going to buy it and feel happy in it. I’m going to wear my favorite jeans, even leggings, and be happy.  Stop letting society tell you what to do with yourself, be who YOU want to be.

Sorry about this rant but this is something that has been nagging on me for months.  To be honest I would like to lose a few pounds, but I’m not going to this by starving myself or changing my life significantly. I’ll go to the gym more, cut back on dessert and snacks a little bit.  Moderation is key, and I need to remind myself of that.  Thanks for reading this and I really hope it helped someone out there. Love you guys.

XOXO

Mary