Dating Diaries: The End?

I started a series in the mindset that I would be trying online dating, hopeful, but not expectant of anything. Well shortly after, I fell for someone and I wanted to keep it to myself, it was new, I don’t fall often but when I do I fall hard. I felt giddy like a school girl. I’m sure you can assume it ended. It ended for exactly the reason I wrote about in my second dating diaries post, plus he didn’t know what he wanted.

I did what I normally do when a guy ends things (or pretty much makes me do it) I hop on an online dating site. I made it about four days this time around when I realized how hurt I actually was. I was at work and honestly had a little bit of a melt down. Was it fair for me to talk to boys that were nice to me when I was so unemotionally available? Was it fair for me to make fun of them to their faces unbeknownst to them? No, none of that was fair. So I deactivated my accounts. I said goodbye to two: two that I was supposed to go on dates with this weekend. That’s what did it. Two dates in one weekend, there was no way I would get through one let alone two, so I said goodbye, wished them well.

So why is this the end of dating diaries? Well, it’s not really, it’s just how I’m not dating anymore. When I’m ready I’ll come back; when I’m ready I’ll spill all the juicy gossip of how gross guys are on dating apps.

I think this little mini-heartbreak has taught me a lot. It’s taught me that I know what I want, and I shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t. It’s taught me that if someone else is afraid of where it’s going I should be as well. It’s taught me that I can be alone and be okay. It’s also taught me that I shouldn’t let my friends set me up with people because parties from now on might be a little awkward.

Now, I’m going to take myself, pour all of the love I have into hobbies and side hustles. My rebrand will be done before I go to Ohio, and everything will be ready for BloggyCon (anyone else going?!). It’s time for me to focus on me and everything I want out of my own life before I try mixing someone else’s in. So for now, I’m saying goodbye to dating diaries, and hello to something else, who knows what!

When’s the last time your heart was broken? Was it full-blown or just a little tear?

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Weekend Coffee Share

If we were having coffee you’d be sitting on the other side of the couch at the home I babysit at every Sunday. We would be watch “13 Reasons Why” and I would be ranting about how much I hate boys and I just want to meet a nice man that treats me right and how I hope so badly it’s the one that’s talking to me now. Then I’d tell you that I don’t think it is, which makes me feel conflicted as conflicted can be.

If we were having coffee I’d be sipping my second big cup of the day. Trying to get rid of the headache, the tiredness I’ve been feeling from barely sleeping the past few weeks, and most importantly, just trying to enjoy the taste and calming down.

If we were having coffee I’d pour you a nice big cup. We would talk about all of the things that have been bothering me. My blog, boys, jobs, everything. I would vent, and then let you vent. I’d probably interrupt because that’s probably my worst habit of all. I’d complain about not knowing what to make for dinner, my diet, and then I would whisper “I’ll probably just go to Subway again.”

If we were having coffee, I’d let you know that I think it’s weird the baby has been sleeping for three hours, but I wouldn’t complain. Trust me I’m thankful. I would then go on to show you pictures of how cute he is, and how thankful I am for all of the wonderful families have allowed me to watch over their children this year.

If we were having coffee, I would probably go on a feminist rant, tell you about how much I love social media, and how I wish my blog would thrive. I’d have a lot to say, but at the same time, nothing at all. I’d open up like I used to on my blog. Before I went public with it, before I was applying for jobs, and before when I didn’t have many friends. I’d share my worries, my thoughts, and my doubts.

If we were having coffee, I’d ask you if you want another cup but pour you another no matter what the answer was. The truth is, on Sundays I get to a point where I desperately need to talk to an adult so I wouldn’t really want you to leave.

If we were having coffee, I’d have to eventually excuse myself to get the crying baby and I’d thank you for joining me. I’d invite you back next week and be so happy for my friendships with you.

What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

A Letter to Teen Girls

Dear Teen Girls,

Hi, my name is Mary and I’m 19. Yes, I (might) have been in your position a lot more recently than most of your teachers, parents, and families. I’m not sure which of you will stumble upon this letter, nor do I know how old you are. I am currently rounding up advice from friends to share with you so that you aren’t only hearing this from me. I’m just going to try and cover a lot of bases so that you have someone more age appropriate attempting to give you advice in your life.

Okay, so you’re a teenaged girl and I’m sure the first thing on your mind is relationships. I would like to remind you that high school isn’t the world, and you probably aren’t going to find the love of your life within the walls of that godforsaken building. You might experience things like heartache. Heartache sucks, it does, but it ends and you move on, probably to someone a lot better. And if not at first, eventually. In the moment when you’re laying on the couch crying, hopefully someone is comforting you with chocolate and bad tv. Trust me, it’s the best cure. You might also break some hearts, try not to do it via text, Facebook message, or in any form of technology. Be brave and say it to the face, people are worth that much. It might be hard but be polite. When you are in a relationship and in a good place, things can get tricky. I’m not telling you that you should or should not be kissing or having sex. You have to do what feels right for you. Physical contact is part of relationships and for a lot of people this makes them really nervous  and in some relationships people feel pressured to do something they aren’t ready for yet. If you don’t want to kiss, don’t kiss. NO MEANS NO. Just because you are in a relationship it does not mean you are obligated to do anything with them nor do you owe them anything. Please understand this just so you don’t regret anything. I would also like to tell you not settle. Just because you aren’t in a relationship, it does not mean you need to lower your standards to finally meet someone, wait, you’ll find the right person eventually.

Transitioning into periods and puberty. At this point in your life you may or may not have your period, if you don’t, DO NOT WISH FOR IT TAKE YOUR TIME TO BE FREE! I know, that periods suck, it’s probably one of the worst things about being a girl. I’m going to give you a few helpful hints: chocolate cures all, heating pads are perfection, and ibuprofen every four hours. This will make it far less painful. Okay so puberty- boobs mostly. Don’t make fun of girls with no boobs and don’t make fun of girls with big boobs. As a girl with big boobs with friends who have smaller boobs, no one has any control over any of it.

Girls are mean. Girls are very mean. Be careful with who you befriend. If a girl has stabbed other people in the back chances are she’ll stab you in the back too. It’s really easy to be friends with boys, they usually don’t like drama and they don’t gossip about your secrets as often. Don’t share anything that you wouldn’t want the whole school to know is typically the rule of thumb when it comes to secrets, when you share them, they usually get out.

It’s true, this is a time for experimenting. However, you need to be careful. If you decided to try drinking do it with those who care about you, don’t do it with anyone who will try and take advantage of you. Also do not get caught, you do not need that on your record. My advice would be to stay away from drugs in general, that stuff is bad. Weed is even a gateway drug and you could start to try other drugs to get more high, and that’s dangerous.

Here’s some advice from some of my friends:

“Proper Nutrition” (from Eric): This is actually really important guys. The sooner you learn this the healthier you’ll be and the easier life will be for you as you get older. Learn to eat and like fruits and vegetables as well as balancing them with oreos and ice cream.

“I wish that I knew that I’d regret quitting swimming and gymnastics” (from Emily): I wish I didn’t think this for a lot of things I quit, like piano, acting, signing, helping with theater, just a lot of things I should’ve stuck with and didn’t. If you like anything even a little bit, stick with it, you might regret it if you don’t.

“How to work a debit card.” (from Gabby): I think this is just a good idea to learn how to manage money. Get a job (if you’re allowed) try and make your own money rather than depending on your parents. Then learn how to work finances, how to balance fun and savings, eating out and staying in, movies out or Netflix in.

“Be nice to the weird kid in high school, they may become one of your best friends” (from Meag): You really don’t know who is going to end up to be your best friends. Just because someone seems a little weird it doesn’t mean that you don’t have a ton in common with them. Looks and acts are only half a person, that’s not what’s on the inside.

“Classmates will always remember how you treated them.” (from Meag): It’s so true, people will always remember how you treat them. The not so nice girls in high school will always be remembered as that, the guys who tried to flirt with every girl will always be thought of in that way, your actions in high school (and even before) can leave a lasting impression, don’t you want that to be a good one?

“Boys are dumb, girls rule, don’t do drugs, do well in school, eat as much cake as possible while you still can, &ignore #h8ers” (from Alex): Alex first of all is very funny, yet her advice is pretty good. Boys can be dumb in relationships especially, and then you will need your girlfriends to help you out. Drugs are bad don’t do them. Try your best in school, as much as I wish it didn’t, high school grades count. While you should be trying to develop healthy habits, indulge. Your metabolism will slow down which leads to weight gain which leads to less cake. Always ignore those who don’t care about you. They don’t mean anything.

“Basic study skills for sure.” (from Logan): Like myself, Logan commented that it was easy to get straight a’s when she was younger without studying therefore didn’t. She also said to learn the material right away because you are always learning new stuff that builds off of it. She is very right, try and study even if you think you don’t need it. It won’t hurt anything.

“You only get one body so be wary of cuts and scrapes, hair dying, piercings, etc.” (from Logan): This is true. When you make these decisions, think “ten years from now will I still like this?” if the answer is no, don’t do it. If you get cuts and scrapes, take care of them. I have scars on my hands and feet because I decided not to take care of them, those are imperfections I will always carry. However, Gabby says you shouldn’t be wary, you should take your chances with these. So take either advice, do what’s best for you.

“Always say how you feel.” (from Meag): Never be afraid to share your feelings. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Say how you feel because you usually only get one chance to say it. If you let feelings build up it’ll be bad in the end, you’ll just explode.

Okay so that’s my advice so far. I hope it helped you a little bit!

Love,

Mary and Friends

Thanks to my friends who helped throw in advice and tips to share, if you know someone this letter can help share it!

XOXO,

Mary.

Do you believe in soulmates?

So for this month I’m writing on topics that people either do or do not believe in, and this week’s topic is soul mates.

I’ve put a lot of thought into this question, it’s one of those things that if it wasn’t for the fact that my parents had such a strong relationship I would never even consider believing in them. I’ve come to the conclusion after a lot of thinking and processing on this topic that I believe in soulmates they’re just a rare find. If every person found their soulmate there wouldn’t be divorce or separations. I also think that it is really hard to find the right person because you have to find a lot of the wrong people first. Couples like my parents are really lucky. I also don’t think that every single person “gets” one. Some people are destined to either be single forever or just be in different relationships and never settle down. Or maybe the just never get the chance to meet theirs and I guess that’s kind of sad.

So to deepen the question: do I think that I have a soulmate? To be honest I don’t really know. I’m not sure if I’m the kind of person who can settle down with someone for my whole life. I’m also unsure of what I would do if I met someone who I believed to be my soulmate. Would I accept it? I’m not sure, would they accept me? I’m not sure.

I guess over all I have come to the conclusion that I believe in soulmates but I think it’s an exclusive type of thing. Maybe I’ll revisit this question in a few years, who knows maybe in a month I’ll be head over heals in love, probably not, but who knows. I shall leave you guys to tell me what I thought now whenever I change my mind. I don’t know if I’m making any sense right now, I’m irritated. Sorry guys.

XOXO

Mary

Answer

February 4:  Ted Williams

Question

February 5: What country was the first in the world to impose a tax on fatty foods?

Boys: They’re the Worst

Okay so as you guys have probably picked up on by now, I’m one hundred and ten percent single. Sometimes I think this is bad because I just want someone to listen to me and talk to me on a regular basis, but it’s also good because I’m bad with people. The male species is also very odd and kind of weird to be honest. So this Thursday rant is on how weird they are and the things they do that bother me.

Keep in mind however there are exceptions to every rule including all of mine. Because if it's meant to be it will be.
Keep in mind however there are exceptions to every rule including all of mine. Because if it’s meant to be it will be.
  • Burping. Okay once funny, but then they keep burping and it just gets kind of really gross.
  • Sexist comments like “Make me a sandwhich”. HAHAHA 2008 called they want their joke back, but actually. That’s not funny or cute really, it’s annoying and rude and I don’t really think it turns anyone on.
  • Judging girls. Rating girls just makes you a tool and I don’t like it when guys judge a girl on her looks, yeah I know it’s a factor, but don’t let us know about it. Don’t share your scales and who you think is hot and who’s not. Again, it’s rude.
  • Spitting. EW! Spitting is literally the grossest thing any guy can do and it’s an automatic turnoff. You can be the most attractive guy ever but if I see you spit you are no longer attractive.

Okay so I think that’s about it for this post. Yes, it was super short but I thought I should throw this out there for all the boys who happen to read this. I don’t mean to be rude or anything just thought it might be a little helpful. Thanks for reading!

XOXO

Mary

Fate is an Odd Thing.

Well guys it’s Saturday and yet again I’m not writing about an adventure, sorry pals. I also have written several posts for today, however I didn’t like any of them enough so I thought I would write about this little thing called fate.

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There are a lot of things in life that we like to call coincidences and we like to say things like “it’s such a small world!” but then there are other things, stronger things, that we call fate. I never really believed in fate, until one day my Nonni told me the story about how my parents were probably destined for each other. Now that’s a really long story and I’ll maybe share it with you some day but I want to talk more about fate in general. This week I think I had an encounter with fate, and I’m not going to go into that either but that’s how this relates to now.

I think fate is this crazy thing that God likes to put in our lives to laugh at us, I also believe that He has a very strong sense of humor and that’s why He does it. Fate is one of those things where you can go your whole life living what seems like a parallel life to someone you know, going across two lines that never seem like they will touch, but when you look closer as time goes on they get closer and closer and eventually they are going to touch. Now once the two lines do finally meet I think one of two things can happen, they can merge together and become intertwined never leaving one another, which is usually the ideal path of things. However, I also think that the paths can cross and maybe intertwine but then they leave forever, but that person leaves a lasting imprint on your life forever. I believe that fate is the best thing that can happen to a person, however, you have to accept and embrace it. You can’t run away from fate, it’s one of those things that are always going to affect your life and change who you are. I think you should trust in fate and don’t be afraid of it. I think before now I have spent way too much time running away from things like fate because they’re scary, but now I’ve decided to embrace it, it’s much more tiring hiding from things like fate.  So yeah I’m gonna run with the whole fate thing this time and I’ll see where it goes.

Trivia will be back tomorrow!

XOXO

Mary

 

“Do More of What Makes You Happy”

This is a very cheesy saying but I strongly believe that everyone should follow it. The summer before my senior year I made this my quote to live by. I’m not going to lie and said it made my life a bundle of roses and turned me into happy-go-lucky Mary, but my life definitely has improved. I had been surrounding myself with people that were bringing me down and holding me back, I wasn’t reaching my full potential. It was that summer that I had made friends that wanted to hang out with me, they never made funny, and I was a happier person around them. A lot of my old friends saw this as me choosing my new friends over them, which I probably was but I had to, I was just happier this way. I had to let the people go who were a detriment to my happiness. They were not letting me be happy, I was happy with my new friends, not because they were new but because they seemed to genuinely care about me. If I tweeted something they took noticed to see if I was okay, I didn’t have to ask for help, they offered. I was slowly becoming friends with people who were actually there for me and didn’t hold me back, and I began to see what real friends were, and that’s really when I started using this quote in my life more and more.
Many times breaking these old friendships was very hard. My best friend for the longest time was really more of a detriment to my happiness than anything. After my crush on him passed I realized that our friendship had been built around my feelings for him. I no longer found him cute or funny when he was making fun of me, rather I found it insulting. Since I no longer put him on a pedestal like I had for so long, he began treating me as less than the person I was (does that make sense? I don’t know), and he may have been doing this longer than I noticed just because I was head-over-heels for him. For the first time in almost two years I stood up to him and we had our first fight, and last. However this also opened my eyes to new people, I began talking to new people (who would still break my heart) and I let myself branch out and talk to people he normally wouldn’t have permitted because of their different beliefs. I no longer had my best friend, but his place was quickly filled. This quote helped me push past a horrible person. I no longer miss him, or miss the person I thought he was, but I miss the time that I spent trying to please him and trying to get him to notice me and fall for me like I had fallen for him. I was happier without him.
Doing more of what makes me happy has made me a happier person in the long run, and really changed my senior year. People that I had been friends with told me that I shouldn’t do a graduation speech, but I did one and rocked it because it made me happy. I stopped doing things that most people my age didn’t like crochet, carry a briefcase, making videos, and blogging because that’s what made me happy.
This quote has also inspired me to think about everything I do. That’s why my major is no longer communications or going to be political science major because that isn’t what’s going to make me happy. What’s going to make me happy is a rewarding career in Global Studies where I can go abroad and help people, rather than do something that is going to make my parents happy. If I lived in a perfect world (which I don’t) this is what I would do for a career travelling the world, but that my friends is impractical. Now you may be thinking “Mary, why aren’t you doing communications then?” Well, the people that are communication majors are often quite assholes, not all of them, but most are. They are very competitive and very full of themselves and those aren’t the kind of people that I want to surround myself with for the next 50+ years of my life. I’d rather surround myself with happy people who love and serve others, and that way I can still do this also, well that is if I’m still doing this in four years (I hope I am).
I encourage everyone to live by this more because really you aren’t going to get the most out of life if you aren’t doing what is making you happy. This is something I wish I would’ve taken to heart a long time ago so I would have saved so much time and energy on people that were holding me back because I spent so much time trying to please them rather than myself. If you really look at life in the schema of everything you have about 75-80 years and you have to make the most of every single moment. As hard as it get sometimes (and believe me it does get hard) we really have to try and be happy. One of my favorite songs is by Secondhand Serenade, “A Twist in My Story has a really good lyric which is *clears throat* “Slow down the world isn’t watching us break down, it’s safe to say we are alone now, we’re alone now,” and I think this ties in perfectly. You have the time to break down and the world isn’t going to watch you fail. Everyone goes on, nobody’s waiting for you to fail, so if you fail while you’re happy it doesn’t matter. Just do what you need to do to be happy because what really matters is your happiness and if other people are bringing you down they probably aren’t worth your time or energy. So a message from Mary: Let’s try to be happy together!
XOXO
Mary

I didn’t know it was that bad…

So I’m on Facebook today and I see I have a message from my grandmother, okay that’s not really strange, except the message was. I saw my extended family twice over break which was nice because I never really get to see them that often, but I guess they saw a change in me.  She let me know that I could go over to her house anytime to have a good cry.  I guess it’s becoming more noticeable in my personality that I am unhappy. This is not who I want to be! I want to be happy, I want to feel confident in myself, I don’t want to feel so much anger and resentment towards myself all the time.  I didn’t know it was becoming such an overwhelming look to me.  I mean my mom didn’t even notice a few weeks ago! Hasn’t really gotten that much worse? I don’t know what I am even doing any more. I feel like everyday I have an internal battle with myself to not drop out. I don’t want to be here but I don’t want to be a “small town girl” any more.  I came here for change and I don’t think I’m getting it.  Maybe I’m not putting myself out there enough, but I feel like every time I try I get shot down again!

I’m back to blaming the prom guy.  I seriously don’t think I’ll ever be that happy again, and I will always resent him for making me feel happy in the first place.  If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t know what it felt like to have that pure bliss of happiness. That’s what really crushed me about the whole “I don’t like you” thing.  Not that he didn’t like me, but that he made me so happy and he had to take it away.  Maybe that’s part of the problem too, now I know what it’s like to feel like that.  I will always have the desire to feel like that again but I can’t.  I know, I know what you’re going to say, “Wait, the right guy is sure to come and you’ll feel a thousand times better!” but no I don’t want to wait.  

I saw a tweet last night that said you reach your lowest point of happiness at age 45 and I really hope that’s not true.  I don’t even want to imagine what it will feel like then. I feel like I’m at an all time low.  This is worse than the fifth grade when my best friend moved away and I wouldn’t talk to anyone for a week, mostly because I’m a “grown-up” now and I have to talk to people and I can’t lock myself away like I did when I was ten.  

I tried to find something here that makes me happy it just didn’t work out.  I am the treasurer of the class here, but no one tells me if we’re ever even doing anything.  There has yet to be a meeting about it. I joined Model United Nations, something I’m actually good out but they never give me information, and I try my best to be the ass-kissing freshman so they keep me around.

I think this is a big reason that I want to transfer. I’m so tired of feeling like shit all the time.  Thanksgiving was awesome because I finally got to be with my friends again, even if the one did seem to be lying more than usual.  I guess I just have to make it through the next 16 days until winter break and I have a month off to spend time with my friends and family.  Maybe things will be better next semester. I can only hope right?

So sorry about the super depressing post.  It sucks. Sorry, feel free to ignore this whole thing.  I just had to get this out because I don’t have anyone to talk about my feelings with so I write them to share with the internet. Whatever.  Thanks to those of you who did read this far, it means a lot. Seriously. 

XOXO

Mary 

Here We Go Again…

Well guys you know what I haven’t done in a while? A rant! And man do I have some stuff to rant about so I’m going to make a list.

1. SCREW YOU COMMON APP! Well apparently many people don’t decide to transfer so you know what the Common App doesn’t do? Save my freaking information. This required me to make several phone calls to my parents because of stupid stuff I don’t know about them and  their life.

2. SNOW IN THE SOUTH! For those of you who don’t know I go to school below the Mason Dixon Line, not very far below but still it should be warmer here than it is at home and it’s not! It’s supposed to snow the whole way home tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that two hour drive in the ice that will probably end up taking three or four hours instead.

3. BOYS ARE STILL DUMB! That dumb boy didn’t talk to me for a month, ignored me at church, he then has the nerve to send me a Facebook message asking me what I am doing over Thanksgiving break. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if he wants to hang out, I am extremely busy and I can always use that as an excuse but still, I don’t know what to do.

4. SCREW YOU WINDOWS MOVIE MAKER!  I can’t download it, I can’t find a way to edit on my computer, so this awesome video I had planned for this week is going to be boring and dumb and not as cool as I wanted it to be.  So now I have to keep using my iPad and refilm this weeks video again and use the cheap editing software I have on that.

I am keeping this relatively this time just because I have so much stuff to do! I have to finish a paper, clean my room, pack, AND refilm this weeks video for a fourth time!  So wish me luck! Hopefully I can update you guys tomorrow! Hopefully Lindsay and I will have an awesome blogging party over break but probably not because she’s been lazy with hers lately!

Anyway thanks for reading!

XOXO

Mary

Love, Boys, and Other Gross Things

So if you guys haven’t read my other posts you may or may not know about my unfortunate luck with boys.

This past year I was perfectly fine single, pining after a cute boy a year younger than me, all of this rapidly changed when me and a guy that I have known for seven years and I started hanging out just the two of us. We went out ever weekend and he would always pay. Not only did he come over when I was sick (like throwing up) but we went out to dinner with his family and hung out with his sister and did puzzles. To me it was the perfect kind of relationship, for once in my life I had felt true happiness. Prom came around and I asked him to go with me, he said yes and wrote it out on my back yard in candles. I was truly surprised, and with his enthusiasm towards my prom I assumed he wasn’t going to his- we went to two different schools. One weekend we hadn’t made any plans and I asked him to hang out- he said that he was staying with a friend while his family was away for the weekend, so I decided to just hang out with friends and thought maybe we would do something Sunday, but I was going to see him later that week so it didn’t really matter. He didn’t have a phone so he couldn’t text, so we Facebook messaged. I checked to see if I had anything from him but to my surprise I had seen that he had gone to his prom with another girl. Needless to say I was heartbroken. We were never dating, but in the five months that we had spent countless hours with each other, calling at least once a week, typing paragraphs to each other, watching movies, and playing games, to me he had thrown it away.

After this I not only lost a guy that I truly cared for, but I had fallen for head over heels. In this time though he had become “my person” (Grey’s Anatomy reference). If anything major happened he was the first person I wanted to tell. When I made my decision on where I was going for college, he was the first person I told besides my family. On a bad day a smile face message from him, or a quick phone call would make it better. I thought he was the only person I could count on, the only person I wanted to dress up for, or look nice for. He was the only person that made me really happy. But just like everything good in my life he is gone and he left me here, shattered.

The point to this is that boys come and then they leave. You can’t count on them to always be there like I did. I don’t know if I was in love with him, I might’ve been. To be honest it’s hard to move on from someone who impacted me so much and I’m not fully recovered yet even though it’s been five months.  My advice is to be careful and never take your person for granted because they may just turn on you.

Finally the reason I decided to post this tonight was because I missed him. I wish he was here with me sometimes but other times I wish that I never have to see him again. I also wanted to share my story and let anyone out there who’s going through the same thing or has gone through it to not feel so alone. Leave a comment below with your story because I’d love to hear them :) Now since I’m single I have moved on to loving my lovely readers. Thanks so much guys! I love you all! If you leave a comment with the name of your blog, I will be more than happy to follow you back!

XOXO

Mary

Also if you send me a tweet @mrmilligan13 I’ll follow you back on there :)