Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 28

I am sitting on our living room floor with about a million and five papers scattered around me along with a host of cold meds, decaf coffee, and some soy and dairy free chocolate. I keep staring at my very out-dated to-do list hoping it will give me answers that it’s not going to give me. I already took my evening dose of melatonin, so my apologies if this is a little scattered, I have to be up at 4:45 to babysit tomorrow morning so better safe than sorry with taking it early.

I have a second interview tomorrow, I’m not one for publicizing this type of information as I see it to be jinx worthy, however, I put everything here and maybe it’s jinx worthy to not ask for your best thoughts. Really, I’m afraid of jinxes no matter what so no matter what I do, if I don’t get this job I’m going to blame it as a jinx on something.

The job hunt in general, has been stressful. I have lost count of the number of jobs I’ve applied for. I’ve stopped applying to anything not on the east coast because I don’t think anybody wants to pay for me to relocate. If you do, ya know, let me know, I’ll move anywhere.

Other than jobs I have a crazy short time until graduation and I honestly can’t believe it. Although cliche, it does it feel like just yesterday that I started this blog in conjunction with my college career. While I’m so excited to be done school and get out of the classroom and maybe even out of my parents house (no offense, just looking for new), I’m not quite as ready for bills and whatever else real adults have to do. I want to do all the fun things and skip everything I might ever have to worry about. Generally, I’m more excited than not.

I’ve been working a lot this year to get to a point where I’m comfortable. I should’ve spent less but I’m considering this my last few months to be a little reckless. I babysit ALL the time, less now than earlier this year, but still a lot. I also work at the marketing department at my school, and as an intern. There might be other things I’m forgetting but, it’s been good. I think it’s been helping me prep for the future of being busy. If I could be a professional nanny, it’s definitely something I would consider. However, I did not go to college to do that, so I should really use the skills I’ve developed to please my parents and myself.

Anyway, here’s a little bit of my word vomit for everyone. How’s you job hunt going? Any tips for me? Anyone successfully freelancing and have some advice? Let me know!

Advertisements

Majoring in “I Don’t Know What to Do”

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how I don’t have a thing. There’s never been one thing that I’m really good at and just sticks with me. I haven’t found what a lot of people would call, their calling with what to do with the rest of their life. Here I am, obsessed with social media, but that’s not a calling, it’s just an interest. I’m not exceptionally good at social media by any means. Just above 200 followers on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr, that’s not excelling, that’s about average, slightly more on Instagram, slightly less on Tumblr. Here I have the most, around the mid 400s but this hasn’t changed in nearly a year. I’m becoming stagnant.

I think in life I’ve always just wanted to have a “thing” something that I’m just really good at. I know that everyone doesn’t have a thing, I just wish that I did. I’m a Communication Arts major which means it’s something I would say is questioned more often than a lot of majors. I never ask a bio major why they’re a bio major, I just assume that they’ll do research or go to med school. And maybe because I don’t ask, I’m just assuming that they aren’t asked why they’re a bio major, but I’m constantly asked why I’m a communications major. I have a feeling it’s because no 5-year-old girl says that she wants to run IHOP’s Twitter.

When it comes to my answer, it’s often times not acceptable for people. I usually say, well I don’t want to teach, and I only want to learn about post Civil War, so I can’t be a history major.  There’s just nothing that’s ever really stuck out to me, communications has offered the most options for me. For a while I was headed towards political science, however, I just find it so exhausting to argue. There’s just always been something wrong with everything else, so what it comes down to, is I’m a communications major because I don’t know what else to do.

I once told the career center that, they were not pleased. They suggested I change my major, which pushed me to never want to talk to them again about anything. I’m majoring in “I don’t know what to do” is that okay?

I know I go back and forth on topics like this all the time. It’s just that recently I think I’m seeing more and more people fall into their place in life and I just seem to not be able to find that spot for myself. Like yes, I’m excited that I’ll be able to get a job essentially anywhere after college, I just keep questioning if it’s something I want to be doing. I guess  it is since I can’t picture myself doing anything else.

I just feel like I’m in a worldly limbo of almost being finished with my major, but not quite ready to face the world with the choices I’ve made. I still have a year until graduation but I feel like I need more time.

I don’t know. I just needed to get these thoughts out. In a week I’m sure I’ll be back to being thrilled with my choice to be a Communication Arts major, however, today I just wish I had more options. I just don’t know what I would want those options to be.

Anyone else feel the same way? Please tell me I’m not alone.

signature

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

blog challenge day 6

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. If I could do this for a living I would do it in a heart beat. I would love to blog right here the rest of my life. I can’t see myself stopping ever at this point. I mean I know that could change my mind but currently I see this blog running parallel to my life for the foreseeable future.

My dream job is blogging plain and simple. If I could travel and blog my whole life, I would be very content. I wish that it was a practical job that I could do but I’m not very good. I don’t really understand how people do it. I’ve written a few “sponsored” posts but I wasn’t paid for them so they don’t really count. I wish that I could open my laptop in a new place every week and just blog about where I was and what I was doing and everything that I thought. Almost like I do now, but I usually wake up in one of two places and I don’t share those places because I’ve already done that- where I go to school and where I’m from.

If I was able I would without a doubt be a full-time blogger and student. I guess you could consider me a full time blogger but I don’t get paid. This is the dream job. Since this is an unattainable dream job I will settle for something similar like blogging for a company or something along the lines of writing. I’m not sure what I want to do, I have meetings with the career center again this week to try and get closer to what that is.

I wish I had an attainable dream job. Like I wish I was one of those people who wanted to be an accountant. Like I could be an accountant minus the fact that I hate math and I don’t like to do it, but I could do it. It would be attainable. There’s something about art fields when you are a mediocre writer and editor that makes everything seem very unattainable. I wish I could sit here and write that I will without a doubt be a writer at some newspaper but nothing about me can say that. I hate conducting interviews and I’m not very good at editing (obviously) so I can’t say I would be an editor somewhere either.

The dream is this, the reality is that I don’t know if this can be an attainable dream. I wish, I really wish that it could be but it doesn’t really make sense. I don’t know what I can see myself doing in the future, which is stressful for me. Like I feel like a lot of people can close their eyes and see themselves in a desk somewhere or out in the field doing something, I just can’t. I close my eyes and I see myself in an apartment blogging. That’s not practical. The dream is impractical.

This is the dream, the dream just really doesn’t agree to make a life for myself. Does this make sense? Does anyone know if I can make this dream reality? Probably not, I mean if you are let me know so I know the secrets. I’m sure it’s not a matter of luck and it takes a lot of hard work, which I like to think that I put into this. I don’t know. I’m just thinking out in writing. It’s not the practical dream but it’s the dream and I keep saying that because that’s how I feel. We all know about how I like to write my feelings.

What’s your dream job? Any ideas I can steal from anyone? Probably not. I’m being too negative because I’m letting other frustrations in my life affect my ability to see that my future is bright (oh dear Lord, I hope so) and I apologize for that. Stay safe if you live in snowy areas, I know it was bad here this past weekend so be safe!

signature

I’m Figuring it Out.

Yesterday I went to my college’s career center, they told me that I should reconsider my major. That was helpful considering I’m practically done the requirements for it. Then I took their version of a career aptitude test and each section told me to that I would be good at something different so that’s interesting. I’m at the crossroads of life yet again and I’m sure next week after my meeting with them it will be worse. I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like I should know what I want to do by now and adults should respect my decisions considering I’m kind of an adult.

I’m tired of being questioned about who I am and what I’m doing. I think people think they’re helping when they ask me questions like “are you sure” or “what are you going to do with that?” as if I’m not asking myself those same questions every day. It’s not helpful to push someone against something they just made their minds up about.

I am a thorough thinker in about everything I do. I don’t really make a decision without considering and weighing all of my options. I have considered every single major my school offers and I have come to the conclusion that Communications is really the only thing that interests me besides photography which really isn’t an option with the way my school does it, plus that’s not a career for me. Communications is something that I can see myself doing and it also happens to be the only thing I like, which is apparently a problem for other people. I’m very sorry that I don’t like anything but I don’t know how that’s anyone else’s problem but my own.

I hope no one thinks I’m a waste of potential or anything. I feel like way too many people besides myself are concerned about where I’m going to end up. Honestly I’m not that worried. I’m not really worried that I won’t find a job because I think if you’re actively trying to find something especially in the communications field someone’s always going to need you. Since I would be fine living almost anywhere I’m not worried about it. I’m more concerned that I’m going to end up unhappy but I will actively find somewhere to work that I can be happy in.

So in conclusion: Firstly,  yes I have a career that I would like to go into, actually two that I’m really looking into. Second, please stop questioning every decision I make because I can promise that I’ve questioned it a lot more than you and it took me way too long to come to that conclusion. Lastly, I’m not worried, I’m comfortable enough with where I am, I have a type of plan and I am confident that I will be able to find a job. Stop stressing me out because you think I’m making rash decision. I don’t know what I’m doing but everyone figures this sort of thing out on their own, just keep that in mind.

signature

The Dreaded Question: What do you want to do?

Today was the first day of classes, which still requires so many professors asking your name and major, and today career paths. That was a terrible question. What do you want to do? I hate it so much. I hate that I’m twenty and I have no clue what I want to do. I hate that I know a million things I don’t want to do but there’s not even a little part of me that knows what I want to do.

I hate saying in front of the class that I don’t have career goals because I look like I’m not ambitious, but I am, I just don’t know what I want to be ambitious about.  Whenever these questions come up I get anxious, I love thinking and planning ahead but I can’t even decide what I want to do and that’s stressful for me.

Whenever anyone asks me what I want to do that’s not my advisor (who happened to be the professor asking today) I usually just say journalism or something in the communications field. Not true, definitely something in the communications field but not journalism. If I say that though people will think I have some type of plan so I get less criticism from strangers if I just say that.

Now, since this scares me so much I take career tests ALL THE TIME! Like literally when I have free time I’m trying to find a new one to take that’s free. They all give me the same result: JOURNALIST! I don’t want to be a journalist. I don’t like the people who aspire to be journalists (besides Logan and very few others) they’re very rude and arrogant. I can’t stand arrogance. I don’t want to subject myself to that the rest of my life.

I think I worry about this so much because I don’t want to grow up looking forward to the weekends. I don’t want to think every Monday “not this again” or “When’s Friday?” it’s easily one of my biggest fears that I  will be waiting for the next time I catch a break. I don’t want to be one of those people who dreads going to work everyday, I honestly want to enjoy my job. I hate my job (not internship) at home and I dread going there every time I do. I hate that I’m waiting for time to pass, wishing for eight hours of my life to just vanish. I want to enjoy every hour that I can and if that means exploring every option of what I’m doing with my future that’s what that’ll mean. It terrifies me that I don’t know what I want to do but it’s better than choosing something to do and then hating it for the rest of my life I suppose.

No one ask me that question again though, okay? It really pisses me off. The permanent answer is I DON’T KNOW!

signature

The Always Looming Future.

I would say since I left for college the future has not stopped looming over my head. The question of what am I doing with myself and my life is the forever question it seems. I go to class and do my work but I’m not passionate about it, I don’t know if I’m not a passionate person or if I just haven’t found anything to be passionate about yet. I’m so jealous of people who find something they love and want to spend the next 50 odd years doing.

I think about the traditional way of life, go to college, meet someone, get a job, get married (sometimes those two are reversed), work, have kids (falls in other places too), work some more, divorce maybe, maybe even remarry, maybe have some more kids, kids grow up, you retire, have grandkids then after hopefully a good 20 years of retirement you die. I hate that. I hate the traditional.

I want to graduate college and help people but if I have an internship at the end of college- which is the goal, I would hope that they would maybe give me a job or I would have to find a job in a field that I like which illiminates my ability to travel and help people right after college. I think once you get that job though you get stuck in a rut of work and life starts faster than you can blink and that’s what really scares me. I’m afraid that I’m going to blink and I’m going to be 50 in a cubicle with a kid in college and a husband and another kid at home. I would say this is easily my second biggest fear, the rut of life.

I think there’s about 20 blog posts of me this year just stressing out about the future. What I’m going to do, what it holds, what is going to happen with me as a whole and as a person and how people are going to affect me in the long run, where I’m going to be in five years. All of it is very overwhelming to think about. I tend to write it all here to get all of these thoughts out of my head because they more they stay in my head the more they drive me crazy. I hate not having a plan, I really hate the unknown. I hate that I don’t know if my glasses might not be in the store tomorrow, so the fact that I don’t know what I’ll be doing 10 years from now pains me.

I keep thinking that one day I’m going to wake up and I’m just going to know what I’m doing with my life and something is just going to fall into my lap and that will be it. I’ll just know what I’m doing, yet that’s not how life works, I feel like you either have an idea or you don’t, I have ideas they just aren’t practical.

I don’t know friends. These are the thoughts that haunt me.

signature

I’m Scared.

Yesterday I asked what my major career goal was. I don’t have one. Yesterday I was asked a question I will be and have been asked millions of times within my lifetime, yet yesterday was the first time I had nothing to say. Like I don’t know what I want to do, but I don’t have any career goals at all. Cool.

I’m tired of people telling me “a lot of people don’t know” and “you’ll figure it out” because that doesn’t mean that right at this moment I don’t feel sick everyday because I feel like I’m wasting my time. Wasting time is a huge anxiety trigger for me, wasting anything is, but especially time. Go ahead, tell me it’ll all work out but that’s not a guarantee. I’m sitting in class and I have no long term goals.

I enjoyed my internship as an experience but I honestly don’t think that I will thoroughly enjoy my life in a cubicle and I guess a goal of mine would to not be completely miserable by the time I’m thirty, and I think I might be miserable if I sit in a cubicle for the next fifty plus years. I go to class and I’m finally in classes for my major and I’m still uneasy and unsure of what I’m doing. I’m in News Writing and she’s already telling us about how many people we’re going to have to call, it takes me at least 20 minutes to make a phone call. I don’t know if I want to interview people my whole life either, trying to overcome anxiety every time I have an assignment.

I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s making me anxious and I’m afraid that I’m either wasting my time here or I’m going to end up somewhere I hate. Life scares me when I don’t have a plan. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I have no goals that go further than hobbies. I focus my energy on things like this that will probably get me nowhere. I put time into crafts, into YouTube, into silly things that will make me happy in the now, not something that’ s going to help me ten years from now. I’m lost, confused, and I have no idea what I’m doing. Most of all I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to end up doing nothing with my life. Afraid, that I’m going to be unhappy the rest of my days. Worried that one day I’ll look back and all that I’ve accomplished is a stable life. I want a good life, not just a stable one. I don’t want to live with regrets and I’m afraid that I’m on path that will lead me to a life with many. I know a life with zero regret is impossible at this point since I already have some, but I don’t want my whole life to be one giant regret because frankly that would just suck. Hopefully I figure it out before it’s too late.

XOXO,

Mary.