I’ve lost whatever type of direction I was previously convinced I’ve had. I’m back to this place where I’m convinced I’m going to be a failure in the future. However, I’m assuming that’s not true.
I would say I’m one of few people at least that I know of that has the next two years of college planned out. Like every class that I’m taking every semester for the next two years in planned. I’m taking all these classes to try to get something to click. Find something I could do for the rest of my life. Here the list I have so far: read history books and write history essays, blog, write fake stories for the newspaper, and provide people with random bits of knowledge and fun facts. I don’t know if any of those are actual careers, if you know that they are let me know! Also side note I don’t want to get a history degree so if it requires that, I’ll pass.
I just think it’s kind of hard seeing everyone around you developing plans and making goals. Like I am constantly asked what my goals are and I don’t have any. My goal is just to try to figure everything out. I don’t have anything figured out. Everyone around me has a goal, and whether they view it as attainable or not, I still admire it. I still appreciate that they have them, because I don’t even have one future goal.
I don’t know what I’m doing and everyone keeps saying “You’re only 20, that’s okay.” but I feel like I’m going to hit that day soon where it’s not okay, where someone is uncomfortable with the idea that I don’t know what I’m doing. At what age is it no longer acceptable to not have a plan, because I have to be pretty close. 21? 22? I feel like you’re supposed to know by now. Something is supposed to appeal to you, and you know what appeals to me? Things that aren’t jobs.
So yes, I’m sure you’re all thinking, yeah it’s okay to not have it all figured out Mary, but really we’re going to be to that point soon where it’s really not okay. I don’t have that much time. When I look at how quickly this year is going I’m kind of surprised that college is going really fast and I don’t have as much time as everyone thinks to get my life in order, or a goal in order. I don’t want to be an underachiever, but that’s how I feel.
Sorry this is kind of not uplifting, but the opposite. Is anyone else struggling with this? Please tell me I’m not alone in this one.
Today I was talking with my friend Eric about cows. I don’t remember how the subject came about but we had a very in depth conversation about cows and their udders. Somewhere I learned that a cow’s udders will explode if they’re not milked, he told me I was wrong but I was convinced. I spent about an hour after that trying to find proof that they exploded to come to the conclusion that I’m basically just an idiot. In case you were wondering they’ll get a bacterial infection that can kill them, but they will not explode. Anyway this little conversation, okay it was a long conversation when you consider the subject matter, but it did spark the thought that a lot of things really confuse me and perplex me so in my mind I thought I should make a list in case anyone has clarifications for me.
Why does everything in my room get so staticy even though I spray it with static remover at least once a week?
Where do wild animals sleep? Like sure there are caves but I can’t say I’ve ever been anywhere that I would see a wild animal but even so I just can’t picture them sleeping.
Where does dust come from?
Why hasn’t anyone figured out how to make water powered car engines or milk one like the ones in “Phil of the Future”? However, I think milk is more expensive than gas now which is weird.
Why did someone milk a cow and then decide to drink the milk? Like why not pigs or donkeys?
I get really confused about sheep, rams, and goats. Same with cows, steers, and bulls. For someone who grew up in Lancaster County I know nothing about farm animals. Well I do know that when the steers got out recess would get canceled in elementary school.
Why isn’t it socially acceptable for guys to wear dresses and skirts? Like why are those two things specifically “girl” clothes? I shop in the mens section for t-shirts and sweaters sometimes so why can’t they do the same? It doesn’t seem fair.
Nail polish. Unpainted nails aren’t pretty on girls??? I don’t get it. Let me paint things that protect my fingers.
Nails in general. My ankles are fine without a weird protection around them so why do my fingers and toes need them?
Rain when it’s below 32 degrees.
The Internet. I can talk to someone on the opposite side of the world and find out any information. HOW?!?
TIME! TIME MESSES ME UP SO MUCH. HOW ON EARTH IS IT ALREADY TOMORROW WHERE LAUREN IS AND NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING TOMORROW YET HERE IN MARYLAND I DON’T UNDERSTAND!
Daylight savings time. I was at Logan’s until 2am once and the time changed and I got back to my room and it was 1am. I had never been so confused in my whole life.
Selling water. How is that a business? Why do we pay for it?
Dry shampoo. I use it when I’m too lazy to clean my hair but how do I know if it’s working? It’s just a spray that “cleans”!
Ankles. What’s the point?
Coffee. How did it turn into a drink? It comes from berries and beans so like did someone make a soup and drink the broth? I don’t understand.
Where words come from. Think about that one for a minute. Then say minute over and over again and it won’t seem real anymore.
You guys probably think I’m an idiot after reading this but these are just things that when I sit down and think about I get really confused and perplexed. What confuses you?
It has been seven months since I’ve had a good adventure, and that was a trip to the beach. I’m hungry for an adventure. To be honest, I’m not good at this whole doing school work thing. I don’t like it. I’m not a paperwork kind of person. Sure I like sitting around the house as much as the next girl, but I’m getting really tired of it. I started this blog with the idea that maybe soon I’d be posting weekend adventure to downtown, D.C, and Baltimore, but no one wants to do that sort of thing. I’m getting so tired of doing nothing all the time.
This just leads me to thinking about the future. What if I get a real job this summer? I can’t take time off to go away somewhere random for a week. I need the money and taking a week off is expensive. Also what it comes down to is where do I go? The beach with my friends or whatever my family is doing? There is no way I can afford to do both. Then I start thinking, well what about what I want to do? I could get a job in another state maybe, but then there’s the problem of housing, which is another expense and the money is better saved than spent. I go through all of these things in my head and what it comes down to is what is the best for me? I mean I’m to the point now where my parents can ask me to do one thing or another, or advise me, however they aren’t going to tell me what to do about things like vacations (at least I don’t think so). I even consider sometimes just going on an adventure alone because that sort of thing can be just as fun.
Then I think to the future that’s even further down the line, how in the world am I going to have a steady job if I can’t even go half of a year of school without an adventure? People don’t live life like that. I can’t spend my life in a nomadic fashion like I would like to. I like to write stories about women that I want to be like, but they could never be more than a dream persona. A successful person doesn’t pick up odd jobs in random cities, well not enough to live off of, to be successful you have to have a steady job with a steady income. To someone like me this is super stressful and I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I going to live the rest of my life just lusting for an adventure? That’s what it’s starting to feel like. I want to be the type of person who gets on sites like kayak, and travelocity and find last minute travel deals and explore a new city on random weekend. I would love to be that person that goes on the megabus site and buys tickets for $2.50 months in advance to the point where I’m in a new city every weekend. Yet that’s no way to live a life, so I can’t really chase my dream because it’s impractical. It makes me sad to look forward in time and see that I might not be happy with the way I’m living it because I can’t live up to my dream.
And this is what I get for wanting one adventure. I can’t wait to go to Boston and New York in April, because that is exactly what need right about now. Who knows, maybe I’ll be on one sooner than that, the wander lust always seems to get the better of me.
If anyone has advice for someone like me, please let me know! It would mean the world to me if someone could give a little sliver of advice. Thanks for reading!
February 3: The three primary colors and the achromatic colors.
February 4: What baseball legend holds the record for the highest on-base percentage in major league history?