Relationships: Aspect 2- Control

Control in relationships is something that I see in a lot of relationships. Someone, male or female, presents his or herself as the dominant one in the relationships everywhere.

From personal experience, I was with a controlling boyfriend, and as soon as I realized it I ended it. I didn’t like it. He constantly wanted to know where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing. At age 16 that’s what I have parents for, not a boyfriend. I was supposed to be going on dates and having fun with my friends, not constantly checking my phone to answer every text he sent immediately. If I didn’t respond to every message even a “yeah” or an “okay” he would send the message three times and then ask me if I was mad or why I wasn’t answering. It was too much for me so I broke up with him.

I guess that might not have been as controlling as some relationships are, definitely not actually, however it does show how small my tolerance levels are. I’m going to look up warning signs of a controlling relationship (look at me doing research) since I don’t know too much about this subject, other than it’s sucky and unhealthy.  This also includes abuse. Abuse is not okay, sexual or physical. If anyone is ever touching you in a manner that is not a appropriate leave the relationship and seek help if need be. I shall leave number for help as well as website resources.

  1.  Rough Treatment. This could be as simple as grabbing your wrist a little too tight during an argument and could be as terrible as punching and kicking. This also includes things like throwing objects like glasses, books, etc. This is usually a recurring problem and will happen more than once. If you see this as a problem it’s best to leave sooner than later because it just get’s harder to get out of.
  2. Quick Attachment and Express. Love at first sight essentially. If someone is saying things like “I love you” and talking about marriage at the very start of a relationship it might escalate quickly and this is a definite warning sign of a controlling relationship. However, this may be hard to gauge now because I feel like people say “I love you” so quickly nowadays. The site (included at the bottom) also mentions that they might shower you with expensive gifts. It takes time to develop a serious relationship and a future, if someone is rushing things it might not be a very good relationship and there could be alternative motives in addition to a controlling relationship.
  3. Frightening Temper. The changes will be quick and out of nowhere. You may do one little thing “wrong” and your partner loses it.  At first this may only been seen with their reaction to things their family and friends, but that’s a warning sign to you. The way they treat other people is how they’re going to eventually treat you. It’s important to notice this before their actions start going against you.
  4. Destroys Self-Confidence. A controlling partner will try to eliminate any self-confidence that you hold. A person who lacks self-confidence is easier to manipulate, the easier you are to manipulate, the easier you are to control. If your partner tells you how ugly, fat, horrible, etc you look, they are diminishing your self-confidence. A person who really likes you will want you to know how beautiful you are, and they should build your self-confidence rather than destroy you.
  5. Separates you from your support group. If a partner tries to distance you from your friends and your family it’s probably not a healthy relationship. You should be able to hang out with those who care about you and you care about without a problem. It’s not normal for a partner to tell you about how much they dislike all of your friends as well as your family. They shouldn’t try to cut calls with your family short, or ask you to cancel plans with your friends to hang out with them instead. They may also always want to know where you are and they may not want you to be the places where you are. That’s not normal. You should be able to go where you want with who you want. Unless you’re doing something you morally shouldn’t but other than that you should be able to do what you want to do.
  6. Rapid mood changes. This means that your partner will go from mean to sweet in the blink of an eye. They will yell and scream and turn around and try and fix it by apologizing like crazy, trying to spoil you, but soon enough they will go right back to being awful. The awful parts will do things like rip at your self-esteem and they will slowly destroy you, even if you believe they are fixing it during their sweet phase, they aren’t, the damage is done.
  7. Blame game.  There is no way that every fight and argument is your fault, but if you are in a controlling relationship you might believe that you are to blame. Everytime. If someone is telling you that every fight is because of you, you are being controlled. There is no way that every single time that you argue it’s your fault. This even applies to things that they do wrong, if they cheat, if they break anything, if they get in an accident, if they get pulled over, they will blame all of that on you. It doesn’t even make sense, if they blame you for something that could never be your fault, leave. That’s a huge sign. Run.
  8. Breakup Scare. If you threaten to break up with them they will freak out. They will try to do everything to fix it. The idea of losing the “object” yes object, they look at you like a thing, of their control scares them. They will go as far as they need to try and win you back. At this point it’s best to leave and cut off all contact. This is not safe.

These are just a few of the signs that you are in a controlling relationship. If you find any of these in a relationship you are in, here is a website that helps you to get out of it and get advice http://www.thehotline.org/. This is for domestic abuse but sadly a controlling relationship is considered abuse, it may not always be physical but mental can be just as damaging. If you feel as if you need someone to talk to your age, my email is marysaverageadventures@gmail.com and I can try to give some advice, but it is more than likely that I will try and refer you to real help because I am not an expert whatsoever. This is also a really helpful website http://www.mentalhealthce.com/courses/contentCR/secCR16.html that I used for this post. Check it out as it gives slightly more detail than I did. If you think you are in an abusive or controlling relationship please try and get out of it. Get in touch with the hotline and there are even shelters set up for those who are in relationships like this. There are always better options, don’t settle for less than you deserve and NO ONE deserves to be controlled or abused.

Finally, I would just like to dedicate this post to my cousin. I don’t know what your story is anymore, but your family and I guess I’ll always still love you. I don’t know what’s going on in your life but I’m worried about you. I hope somehow you see this. I’m not sure how you will, but God will find a way.

Thanks for reading guys!

XOXO,

Mary.

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