This is the last time I’m asking you…

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Can’t Drive 55.”

“Put my name at the top of your list…” This is one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs, “The Last Time”. To me this songs speaks volumes. It means you can only ask so much out of someone. It means you can’t keep leaving and coming back and how fragile people around you are.

“This is the last time I’ve got it wrong” This is the last time, I’m going to make this mistake again. You can make the same mistakes so many time, trust me, I continuously repeat mistakes, but it’s crazy to think that you just keep going back to what’s going to break your heart.

“This is the last time I’m asking you why, you break my heart in the blink of an eye” We go back to people who break our hearts repeatedly. We trust people continuously. I think in our memories we forget what bad things people did, and have a tendency to remember only the good things, and we continue to let them into our lives even though they will only hurt us more and more.

“I’m not sure how I got there, all roads they lead me here” When you care about someone everything goes back to them. We forget where we’re going and what we’re doing, we get so caught up in that person and how much we care that everything falls to the wayside.

“Put my name at the top of your list.” Once you start not meaning something to someone, don’t ask to be put at the top of their list anymore. Once you’re not there anymore you start caring more than them, investing more than them, and are in a position to be hurt a lot more by them. Which is why they “break my heart in the blink of an eye.

“You wear your best apology but I was there to watch you leave” Sorry’s can only go so far and only fix so much. Sometimes the apology becomes so miniscule that it begins to mean nothing instead.

This is one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs because there’s so much meaning and emotion in it. Gary Lightbody is also featured in the song, and their harmonies are amazing. When I hear this song I can feel it. It’s everything you want to say to the people who hurt you again and again, but there’s only so many times you can ask why, only so many times they can say sorry, only so many times you both can walk away.

“And all those times I let you in, just for you to go again.”

Now doesn’t that just break your heart. Happy Saturday prompt from the Daily Prompt! What was the last song you listened to?

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P.S. I listened to this song the whole time I wrote this post and now I’m obsessed with it like I was when the Red CD came out.

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30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

blog challenge day 6

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. If I could do this for a living I would do it in a heart beat. I would love to blog right here the rest of my life. I can’t see myself stopping ever at this point. I mean I know that could change my mind but currently I see this blog running parallel to my life for the foreseeable future.

My dream job is blogging plain and simple. If I could travel and blog my whole life, I would be very content. I wish that it was a practical job that I could do but I’m not very good. I don’t really understand how people do it. I’ve written a few “sponsored” posts but I wasn’t paid for them so they don’t really count. I wish that I could open my laptop in a new place every week and just blog about where I was and what I was doing and everything that I thought. Almost like I do now, but I usually wake up in one of two places and I don’t share those places because I’ve already done that- where I go to school and where I’m from.

If I was able I would without a doubt be a full-time blogger and student. I guess you could consider me a full time blogger but I don’t get paid. This is the dream job. Since this is an unattainable dream job I will settle for something similar like blogging for a company or something along the lines of writing. I’m not sure what I want to do, I have meetings with the career center again this week to try and get closer to what that is.

I wish I had an attainable dream job. Like I wish I was one of those people who wanted to be an accountant. Like I could be an accountant minus the fact that I hate math and I don’t like to do it, but I could do it. It would be attainable. There’s something about art fields when you are a mediocre writer and editor that makes everything seem very unattainable. I wish I could sit here and write that I will without a doubt be a writer at some newspaper but nothing about me can say that. I hate conducting interviews and I’m not very good at editing (obviously) so I can’t say I would be an editor somewhere either.

The dream is this, the reality is that I don’t know if this can be an attainable dream. I wish, I really wish that it could be but it doesn’t really make sense. I don’t know what I can see myself doing in the future, which is stressful for me. Like I feel like a lot of people can close their eyes and see themselves in a desk somewhere or out in the field doing something, I just can’t. I close my eyes and I see myself in an apartment blogging. That’s not practical. The dream is impractical.

This is the dream, the dream just really doesn’t agree to make a life for myself. Does this make sense? Does anyone know if I can make this dream reality? Probably not, I mean if you are let me know so I know the secrets. I’m sure it’s not a matter of luck and it takes a lot of hard work, which I like to think that I put into this. I don’t know. I’m just thinking out in writing. It’s not the practical dream but it’s the dream and I keep saying that because that’s how I feel. We all know about how I like to write my feelings.

What’s your dream job? Any ideas I can steal from anyone? Probably not. I’m being too negative because I’m letting other frustrations in my life affect my ability to see that my future is bright (oh dear Lord, I hope so) and I apologize for that. Stay safe if you live in snowy areas, I know it was bad here this past weekend so be safe!

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An Ordinary Life?

I think one of my biggest fears is living a bland and ordinary life. I know that may seem weird because my blog is my “average” adventures but that doesn’t mean I want nor do I plan on living an average life. Firstly it’s important that you know how I define an average life which is, graduating college, getting a job, getting married, having kids, and so on and so forth.

After college I think a lot of people get caught up in what I like to refer to as the “real world”. While this is good and dandy for people who would like to participate I would rather not do that and I want to experience my world. I’m not going to lie, it would be good for me to participate in life more, and I think I’m getting there. This doesn’t mean that I think I should spend my whole life behind a cubicle socializing with other cubiclites. I don’t know what I want to do, but sitting at a desk is not for me.

I think there’s this image of us, the image of what we are supposed to do with our lives. We don’t have to do that. The idea of an ordinary life is comfortable, I mean who doesn’t want to be comfortable? But just because you’re comfortable it doesn’t mean that’s what will make you happy. To me being happy long term is much better than being comfortable long term.  An ordinary life, or an average life to me is just boring. I obviously crave adventure. I don’t know why anyone would want to settle for ordinary, but for some people I guess that’s the goal.

I believe that everyone has the opportunity to be something great. As people we can be whatever we want, we have options and choices so we should take them. We can also create choices for ourselves. There is nothing that we are obligated to do. If you have the money to run to Europe tomorrow, why not do it? If that’s what you really want to do go for it. There’s nothing stopping you other than yourself.

If you continuously prevent yourself from moving forward or not doing something because you don’t think the timing is right you’re never going to get to the place that you want to be at. What’s the point of even having dreams if you are never going to put forth the effort to accomplish them?

Let’s not settle for ordinary unless that’s actually the goal, okay? Also, there is nothing wrong with wanting ordinary, it’s just not what you have to do because that’s the expectation.

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Life Update

I’m just doing a quick little update for a few reasons. One, because I’m currently visiting my friend Alex for the weekend and I miss her. Two, because I haven’t done an update in forever.

Life updates include being annoyed more than usual and having odd dreams, I never have dreams! Last night I dreamt that my uterus fell out, that’s craziness! I’m also in the process of declaring my major and studying abroad applications so that’s happening. I’m also busy with homework and papers and other things like life.

Fall break is soon, it will be filled with working (gross) but some of my friends will be around so that’s nice. I might also be venturing into the city (aka DC) to visit Jade next Saturday. We shall see. I don’t really know what I’m doing, I’m living on the edge. Not really, but let’s pretend I am.

If there are any general questions you have about me or my life leave those in the comments today I will answer because this is what I like to call a bad post and you deserve more.

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Serious Thoughts

Sometimes, I think seriously.  Although, I think life should be fun, exciting, and we should try and laugh at the little things, there are somethings I take very seriously. I was thinking today about some of these things and I thought I would just make a list about it.

  • Suicide and depression is not a joking matter. Ever. Never ever tell anyone to go kill themselves, never joke about wanting to kill yourself, never say that you’re depressed if you’re just having a bad day. I see a lot of jokes like this on twitter and tumblr, and I think everyone should know that it’s not okay. There are real people who struggle with these things and they shouldn’t have to hear people making jokes about it or glorify them. I guess self-harm would also qualify under this category. When you reblog pictures of people who cut words into their arms and then caption it “beautiful” it’s not beautiful, it’s sad. It’s sad that someone is so depressed that they are carving words into themselves, they need help, and you telling them that it’s beautiful is not helping them.  This is actually something I’ve done a few blog posts on, so if you go under  the “Serious Stuff” category you can read more about my opinion there.
  • There are certain words that people shouldn’t use in any circumstance or situation. I don’t even want to write these word here because they’re so offensive, so I’m just going to put the first letters: the n-word, the r-word, and the f-word. The n-word is a racial slur and it makes any user of the word sounds very uneducated, especially when they call their white friends that. Grow up and get some class, please. The r-word is offensive to any person who struggles with mental disabilities, and maybe not to them directly but their family and friends that care about them. I think this is a thing that younger kids use more often, but try words like stupid instead, the r-word is unnecessary. Finally the f-word and I’m not talking about the four letter one, I’m talking about the three letter one. When you call a gay person this you are more likely to come off as homophobic then accepting. To be honest, if you’re still homophobic in today’s society you are fighting a battle that you are going to lose. So to anyone from my hometown reading this, grow up and be loving like Jesus taught us, even those who are gay. Love everyone. Don’t use these words.
  • Don’t be the dream crusher. This is something I deal with on a regular basis from various people that I encounter, anywhere from work to school. At the beginning of the year when I was still very set on being a Journalism major, a kid tried to tell me at dinner that I just had to be a Computer Science major, why? Because he was and he thought it was the greatest thing ever. Never be that person, sure you’re passionate about something, but that doesn’t mean every person has to be. I can’t even begin to express my anger towards him, I can feel it starting again. You don’t have to crush someone’s aspirations and dreams just because you think that you’re better. Also, this applies to things like Santa to kids, never be that person either.
  • People should never be called ugly or fat or scrawny or too thin or overweight or anything derogatory towards someone’s appearance. If you can see it as an outsider, they’re thinking it themselves a thousands times a day,  along with a lot of other really negative things about themselves. Also, making fun of people for something as trivial as looks is just mean and you can’t get much lower than that. You never know what people are going through or thinking themselves, they don’t need more negativity in their lives.

Okay so those are my serious thoughts for the night. A snow day spent alone with lots of work bring many distracting very serious and not so serious thoughts. Off to do more work unfortunately. Is winter over yet? I’m tired of the snow even though it does bring days off, I don’t know if it’s worth it though some days. Okay I need to stop procrastinating now, no plug today because there will be a long one tomorrow, sorry! Still in need of help though!

XOXO

Mary

I’m Craving Adventure

I live by this quote.
I live by this quote.

It has been seven months since I’ve had a good adventure, and that was a trip to the beach. I’m hungry for an adventure. To be honest, I’m not good at this whole doing school work thing. I don’t like it. I’m not a paperwork kind of person. Sure I like sitting around the house as much as the next girl, but I’m getting really tired of it. I started this blog with the idea that maybe soon I’d be posting weekend adventure to downtown, D.C, and Baltimore, but no one wants to do that sort of thing. I’m getting so tired of doing nothing all the time.

This just leads me to thinking about the future. What if I get a real job this summer? I can’t take time off to go away somewhere random for a week. I need the money and taking a week off is expensive. Also what it comes down to is where do I go? The beach with my friends or whatever my family is doing? There is no way I can afford to do both. Then I start thinking, well what about what I want to do? I could get a job in another state maybe, but then there’s the problem of housing, which is another expense and the money is better saved than spent. I go through all of these things in my head and what it comes down to is what is the best for me? I mean I’m to the point now where my parents can ask me to do one thing or another, or advise me, however they aren’t going to tell me what to do about things like vacations (at least I don’t think so). I even consider sometimes just going on an adventure alone because that sort of thing can be just as fun.

Then I think to the future that’s even further down the line, how in the world am I going to have a steady job if I can’t even go half of a year of school without an adventure? People don’t live life like that. I can’t spend my life in a nomadic fashion like I would like to.  I like to write stories about women that I want to be like, but they could never be more than a dream persona. A successful person doesn’t pick up odd jobs in random cities, well not enough to live off of, to be successful you have to have a steady job with a steady income. To someone like me this is super stressful and I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I going to live the rest of my life just lusting for an adventure? That’s what it’s starting to feel like. I want to be the type of person who gets on sites like kayak, and travelocity and find last minute travel deals and explore a new city on random weekend. I would love to be that person that goes on the megabus site and buys tickets for $2.50 months in advance to the point where I’m in a new city every weekend. Yet that’s no way to live a life, so I can’t really chase my dream because it’s impractical. It makes me sad to look forward in time and see that I might not be happy with the way I’m living it because I can’t live up to my dream.

And this is what I get for wanting one adventure. I can’t wait to go to Boston and New York in April, because that is exactly what need right about now. Who knows, maybe I’ll be on one sooner than that, the wander lust always seems to get the better of me.

If anyone has advice for someone like me, please let me know! It would mean the world to me if someone could give a little sliver of advice. Thanks for reading!

XOXO

Mary

Answer

February 3: The three primary colors and the achromatic colors.

Question

February 4: What baseball legend holds the record for the highest on-base percentage in major league history?

I didn’t know it was that bad…

So I’m on Facebook today and I see I have a message from my grandmother, okay that’s not really strange, except the message was. I saw my extended family twice over break which was nice because I never really get to see them that often, but I guess they saw a change in me.  She let me know that I could go over to her house anytime to have a good cry.  I guess it’s becoming more noticeable in my personality that I am unhappy. This is not who I want to be! I want to be happy, I want to feel confident in myself, I don’t want to feel so much anger and resentment towards myself all the time.  I didn’t know it was becoming such an overwhelming look to me.  I mean my mom didn’t even notice a few weeks ago! Hasn’t really gotten that much worse? I don’t know what I am even doing any more. I feel like everyday I have an internal battle with myself to not drop out. I don’t want to be here but I don’t want to be a “small town girl” any more.  I came here for change and I don’t think I’m getting it.  Maybe I’m not putting myself out there enough, but I feel like every time I try I get shot down again!

I’m back to blaming the prom guy.  I seriously don’t think I’ll ever be that happy again, and I will always resent him for making me feel happy in the first place.  If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t know what it felt like to have that pure bliss of happiness. That’s what really crushed me about the whole “I don’t like you” thing.  Not that he didn’t like me, but that he made me so happy and he had to take it away.  Maybe that’s part of the problem too, now I know what it’s like to feel like that.  I will always have the desire to feel like that again but I can’t.  I know, I know what you’re going to say, “Wait, the right guy is sure to come and you’ll feel a thousand times better!” but no I don’t want to wait.  

I saw a tweet last night that said you reach your lowest point of happiness at age 45 and I really hope that’s not true.  I don’t even want to imagine what it will feel like then. I feel like I’m at an all time low.  This is worse than the fifth grade when my best friend moved away and I wouldn’t talk to anyone for a week, mostly because I’m a “grown-up” now and I have to talk to people and I can’t lock myself away like I did when I was ten.  

I tried to find something here that makes me happy it just didn’t work out.  I am the treasurer of the class here, but no one tells me if we’re ever even doing anything.  There has yet to be a meeting about it. I joined Model United Nations, something I’m actually good out but they never give me information, and I try my best to be the ass-kissing freshman so they keep me around.

I think this is a big reason that I want to transfer. I’m so tired of feeling like shit all the time.  Thanksgiving was awesome because I finally got to be with my friends again, even if the one did seem to be lying more than usual.  I guess I just have to make it through the next 16 days until winter break and I have a month off to spend time with my friends and family.  Maybe things will be better next semester. I can only hope right?

So sorry about the super depressing post.  It sucks. Sorry, feel free to ignore this whole thing.  I just had to get this out because I don’t have anyone to talk about my feelings with so I write them to share with the internet. Whatever.  Thanks to those of you who did read this far, it means a lot. Seriously. 

XOXO

Mary 

My 50th Blog Post!

Hello readers, today is a very exciting post because it is my 50TH blog post! This means two things, I have NO life, and I really like to procrastinate. So basically this post is just a massive THANK YOU! To you guys, all of my readers. Seriously it means a lot to me that you guys take the time out of your day to read my semi-regular posts. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

The other piece of my post today is just a little bit more about what’s going on with me, I guess an update you could say.  So I just returned back to school after a wonderfully busy week off, which is why I lacked in posting. I got to see a lot of my friends, Lindsay was home, I did some filming, tired to do some vlogging, but it lacked a little bit. I really don’t know what I’m doing still with the whole transferring or staying.  It’s really confusing for me and I don’t know what to do because whatever my decision is I have to live with it for the next three years.  I think soon I’m going to start also trying some new sorts of posts but I’m just not exactly sure what yet. I kind of would like to do some DIY things because I don’t know if I’ve ever put this out there but I LOVE crafting.  I also think I’ll do hulls when I going on a big shopping spree or something along those lines.  These will both be in forms of blog posts and video posts. 

So thanks again for reading all of my posts and for the general care that I seem to get from many of my readers, it seriously means so much to me. I wouldn’t have gotten to 50 posts without everyone who reads because otherwise I would’ve gotten discouraged ages ago.  I’ll keep you guys updated with my life and where everything is going, but I want to stop doing these dumbass updates all the time and do something interesting and meaningful. 

Well as usual I have procrastinated wayyy too much and I have to finish a paper for tomorrow and start a paper for Wednesday. There’s a video coming your way tonight hopefully, so don’t forget to subscribe to me on YouTube! 

XOXO

Mary

I’m in love!

Okay, so I’ve come the conclusion in the past few weeks that I’m in love. No, not with some unfortunate boy, but with the idea of love, and I think we all are.  As a girl I was taught from a very young age that I should want to fall in love, have the prince rescue me from a terrible/bad/horrible situation, so we begin to romanticize these types of things.  I remember being in preschool and thinking I had found the love of my life because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.  As girls we grow up in a world to be dependent upon males.

I remember having a crushes upon crushes in elementary school, however, I was never the lucky girl to have a boyfriend.  In middle school it seemed to me that everyone was falling in love, everyday someone was in a new relationship and in love, because we thought that’s how love worked. Again I was never the girl with a boyfriend, but after seeing my middle school diary over this past summer I had thought I had fallen in love several times.

The time came for me to venture onto high school, and for whatever reason I decided that I was not cut out for love, and I was not going to be the girl to fall in love, or at least anytime soon.  Yet, January of that year a boy I had a crush on asked me to be his girlfriend, and I quickly accepted.  Now this being my first relationship I did not know how to react, we went on very few dates, to football games and the annual fair.  Sadly a little after a year, it ended.  In this whole timespan of over a year, we did not say the three magic words that everyone loves to say in their relationships, we sent hearts over texts, and yes I liked him a lot, but I did not love him.  After the sadness had ended, I moved on to another boy, but he was gross and I didn’t like him so we broke up. He was my first and only kiss.  I regret it deeply. It was obvious to me that I was not in love, even though he thought he was falling in love with me.

By this point I was almost seventeen, which to me seemed very old to not be in love, even though most of my friends were single and they too were not in love, but I had always grown up with the idea that I was going to fall in love in high school. My parents had been high school sweethearts, and I had always watched high school love stories where they lived happily every after.  I thought that I would be like my mom, falling in love at 16 and marrying young. It was about halfway through my junior year when I realized that love that young was not what I wanted.  At the time I really like my best friend, we had been inseparable since the beginning of the year and everyone had already thought we were dating. However, he did not want to date because he was not ready for marriage, and basically the timing was never right.  We had a falling out the following year and we haven’t spoken since.

As I neared the age of 18 I began to think about what I wanted with my life. I was scheduled to go on trip to Europe with 39 other high school students from the area, which I did and that experience changed my life.  It was this little “vacation” that brought me to the realization that I was not going to have the same love story as my parents. My best friend was not going to come to his senses like what happens in the movies and fall in love with me. I also learned a lot about myself.  I always knew that it was hard for me to tolerate people for more than a few hours, let alone a life time. I learned that maybe love wasn’t for me.

At 17 this is a hard realization to come to. As I wrote previously, it is in a girl’s DNA that she is supposed to fall in love. I had been taught through countless movies, the love stories of my family, and society in general, that I was destined to fall in love, get married and have a family. However, I also realized that I was really lucky to be realizing this now rather than later in life. I figured more out about my self in nineteen days then the rest of my life put together. I wanted to travel and I wasn’t about to get settled down after college to stop that dream.  Sure, senior year came and I had two crushes, but I never pictured the one going very far, and the other one crashed down around me and now I realize that it would’ve never worked out anyway.  I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want a love story, I want my own story.

As you may or may not know, I am 19 now and in college. I’ve been here for about three months now and I haven’t found anyone really, and I think it’s because I’m not looking.  If someone cute asked, sure I’d go out on a date or two, but I know it will be hard to find someone who wants the same things as I do.  Now, even though I’m not really looing that doesn’t mean I can watch a romantic comedy and not desire that kind of affection, because I do.  That doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous of seeing happy couple, because I do. I know I feel this way though because I was trained by society to feel this way. I know that for me to be myself and be happy it’s being single, or with friends. Maybe someday I’ll be lucky enough to find someone who wants the same things as me, but I don’t think that it’s going to happen. I’ve been taught to be in love with falling in love, and I no longer want that. I want my own dreams, and that’s what I’m doing now. I don’t think I realized this until I wrote it all down for all of you as well. Whatever happens now has to be God’s will because I don’t think I’m going to be chasing after anyone anytime soon.

So this was a very serious very long post, and I’m really thankful to those of you who made it this far. Thanks for reading. Love you all.

XOXO

Mary

Pretty Places

Pretty Places

Here is the first of many pictures from places I have traveled. Traveling is something I just love to do and I have loads of pictures from them. Two summers ago I went to Europe where I met my friend Lindsay (her blog is Musings of Lindsay), and this past summer I went to Ireland and Washington. This picture is from my time in London, it is the iconic Big Ben, and a simple picture does not do it justice. So sorry this little post veers from my typical long drawn out rant or little update, but I thought this might be something fun to look at. Hopefully my junior year I can study abroad and see these beautiful places everyday. I can’t wait to a future of traveling after graduation. It’s really my biggest dream (as you may know if you read my bucket list) and I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life. So this is just a random little thing for you guys to look at. Thanks for reading!
XOXO
Mary