Being Lost

After five hours in the car I came home to catch up on some YouTube and I watched this video. To be honest, I can’t tell you how I stumbled upon Will Darbyshire, he must’ve come up on my recommended one day or something but he has some of the best videos I’ve ever seen to be honest. He’s one of those people where I watch his videos and I just feel like if I eve met him we would be fast friends, I don’t know why I think that, that’s just what I think when I watch his videos. This is all besides the point though.

This video is about feeling lost and even though I’ve declared my major and made some other decisions I still feel unsure about a lot. Today someone came into my health class from the Heartly House, a local source for domestic and sexual abuse and it made me question my decision to be a communications major. While I love writing things like this, I hate doing news articles. I find them boring and frustrating but I don’t know what else I would do. This talk made me want to help people but how can you realistically help people and make money to accomplish everything I personally want to accomplish? I know that sounds really bad and selfish but I feel like the age I’m at, this is the only time I have to be selfish. I don’t have my own family (like a husband and kids) to worry about for quite some time and this is Mary Time but I still want to figure out how to help people and make a difference.

What does a communication major do to help people? Write about it? That doesn’t seem very useful to anyone. I’m sure there are resources and websites that are specifically for communication majors to help people and that’s definitely something I have to look into for post graduation, which I have PLENTY of time until then. I’m not sure. There’s just a lot of stress on the future in my head and I have this tendency to freak out about the fact that I don’t have a plan other than wanting to volunteer in an orphanage in China after graduation which seems really random and I have no idea where the idea came from it just is something I want to do.

I honestly think this existential crisis will continue until I have a solid life plan where I actually like something rather than it’s just tolerable. Blogging isn’t really a life career for me, it’s a great side hobby but I highly doubt it something that I could make a future out of. I have this idea in my head that one day I’m just going to fall into something and it’s just going to work out. I can’t plan my life like that though, that’s not how life actually works, as much as I wish it did, it’s not.

What are your life plans? Give me ideas.

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Hide and Seek: Grown Up Edition.

That awkward moment when it’s four to ten and you don’t have any homework due tomorrow so you spend your night trying to convert video files instead of declaring a major or investigating study abroad programs or getting ahead for a busy week next week, because that’s the awkward moment I’m having right now. Did you know I’m still trying to fix my little video mistake from NYC and Rhode Island? Because I am. I just don’t really like the footage that I have from New York, I’m still trying to salvage that and I never fixed my footage from Rhode Island and now I forget how to do it.

Basically I had an important type of meeting today with study abroad ooo and basically I’m declaring my major this week. And turning 20 on Friday. And applying for a scholarship to go somewhere next fall. Basically I have to be a grown up this week and I spent today feeling anxious about it, I think because I’m partially excited and just you know my general anxiety has been building up since Friday I would say so I’m trying to run (yes run, look at me go) to fix this little problem. It did help, so I’m going to another little one tomorrow.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about relationships. I don’t know why really, I think as soon as the weather starts to get a little cooler if you’re single, you might be feeling lonely too. I think college is kind of weird too, like this is right before my real life starts, like life post school, post depending on your parents, post like childhood essentially and that makes me think like traditionally. I was in the study abroad office and this time next year, the halfway point of college will be past and I could potentially be in a different country, at an internship, taking classes, seeing the world, and to me that’s super weird. It’s super weird that in less than a year I have less than two years of being a not grown up, I’m rushing life I know, it’s just WEIRD. Like in a few years I should be getting married according to most traditions. MARRIAGE! ¬†Like a want a boyfriend (kind of… maybe… still unsure) but I don’t want to think about getting MARRIED yet. I want to like meet people, like cute boys, and then maybe travel, with or without them, like Chicago definitely with them because I don’t want to get sold into sex slavery, but everywhere else maybe alone. I know that’s weird. I’m so weird.

So I’m hiding from responsibilities and trying to edit to videos at once whilst falling into the depths of YouTube. A casual Monday night.

I actually do I have to talk to my advisor about declaring because I don’t now if I have to have a concentration or not. So I’m not being totally irresponsible. Tomorrow I promise to be more productive. At least I answered a few emails today, not the ones I needed to, but I answered some and did a quiz early. So that’s good. Now I’m going to answer the other emails and I’m going to figure out how to change those files! I hope everyone is being me productive than me and having a great day. I don’t even know what to classify this word vomit as, an update maybe? Oh whatever, I’m a mess, kind of. I described myself on twitter as “I look and feel like a mess today. Not even a hot mess, just a regular mess.” so yeah, story of my life. If you want to follow me on twitter @mrmilligan13, if you let me know that you follow me I shall follow you back of course! Do something good today.

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The Quarter Life Crisis

If you know me in real life I have probably freaked out about this to you about a million times, it’s something I like to call a quarter life crisis, like a mid life crisis, except I’m not there yet. Hopefully. I’ve heard this referred to as a existential crisis as well, however, I made this term up before I really knew what that was. In exactly two months and one day I will be turning 20, approximately a quarter of my life will be completed, and what do I have to show for it? A high school diploma. I’ve spent over two thousand days in school, countless more if you add up the hours spent on homework¬† and studying, and I still have three more years left. In that three years I will decide what I’m going to do for the last three quarters of my life, and after I graduate I will get a job, and I will work for approximately the next fifty years, then I will retire, maybe with a husband, maybe not, maybe I’ll have kids and grandchildren, maybe not. When you think about life this way it’s really unappealing and it makes me ask the question why most of the time, and to be quite honest I think a lot of people my age are feeling this way.

So I go to college about 7 months of the year, and while I’m there I would say the majority of my friends have been on a path since day one, me not so much. I had a path and wasn’t sure, thought some things through, still wasn’t sure, I’m still thinking things through, and I’m still not sure at all, and what I fail to remember is that there are other people like me. There are people like me who know that they don’t want to sit in an office approximately 260 days a year, but they don’t want to teach either, there are people like me who just want to see what the world has to offer them and they aren’t sure how to do it. These people are having quarter life crises, we’re just trying to find our places when everyone else around us seems to know where they’re going. We’re the people who you ask them what their major is and we might just start to cry, because honestly, you can’t major in “seeing the world” there’s no way to make money that way. We’re the people who if you ask them, do you have any plans for after graduation, the stare is blank, although, I don’t know why I should have an answer for that when I’m only going to be a sophomore anyway.

The other 5 months of the year are spent working and seeing old friends and family, the old friends and family that ask us all of the above questions. The jobs and internships supposedly preparing us for what we want to do, when really we just have no clue. We look forward to vacations and weekends because they’re the escape from the madness. Sometimes. Other times they’re just another way into more madness and more stress. The worst is when someone tells you that “you’re really going places!” and you just want to say “Do you know where? Because if you do I’d love to know” but instead you just smile and say “thanks.”. Oh how put together the quarter life crisis can look when that’s what people expect.

My parent chuckle when I talk about this quarter life crisis, but I swear it’s real. I’ve counted the days spent wasted on learning for a standardized test, counted the hours spent studying for the next, and all I’ve gotten from this nearly 20 years of life is a high school diploma. A high school diploma could get me a general manager position at McDonald’s. Maybe. However, no one told me what I could get with a high school diploma, all they told me was what I couldn’t get without a college diploma, and as I’m getting further into my education, what’s next is what I can’t get without a master’s diploma, what’s next? What I can’t get without a PHD? I’ve spent so much time learning and getting an education, and it’s great, and I don’t take it for granted, however, what’s the most useful thing I’ve learned? How to find the length of a side of a triangle? That hippos sweat pink? What causes leaves to be green? What am I going to do with this information? I haven’t learned about mortgages, renting, loans, credit cards, stocks, anything that will help me in the very near future and the fact that I can’t tell you anything about simple life tasks, but I can tell you about different Presidents that had affairs (too many).

I think when it comes down to it, I’m experiencing this existential crisis, quarter life crisis if you will, all because what I’ve done for the majority of my life is learn pointless information that I used for one test, maybe two, but after that I’ve hardly thought about it again and none of this information has helped me to come to any sort of conclusion of what I want to do with my future. Hell, I picked writing because I did well on the writing portion of my ACT’s and it’s not something I hate doing. So maybe a year from now I’ll feel better about turning 21, but maybe I won’t, and I honestly don’t know if that’s okay or not. I’ve grown up in the world of planning for the future, and I don’t have a plan for the future, and I think that’s why so many of us feel so lost because it’s we don’t see it as accepted to not know.

There’s so much pressure to have the next ten years of your life planned to a tee, at least that’s how I feel. So yes, I am 19 years old experiencing a quarter life crisis and I don’t think I’m alone, let me know how you feel about this in the comments, please tell me I’m not the only one!

XOXO,

Mary.