Dealing with Sadness.

Four years ago today, my grandmother died. I don’t talk about this here. This is my corner of the internet and I have never talked about one of the worst days of my life, why? Because I don’t always want to be negative, and I don’t know how to talk about it. My grandmom got sick when I was in 8th grade for the first time, then it came back and it never went away and she died my junior  year of high school.

Now that’s about how much I can talk about that. Because here’s the thing I don’t like to deal with sadness, especially  my own. This is the worst thing you can do. Face it. I can’t face this problem online, but I have faced it. You have friends that you can talk to, parents, even counselors at most colleges and high schools.

Sadness isn’t something you can avoid. It’s something you have to talk about. It’s one of those things that if you bottle it up you aren’t going to get anywhere or feel any better. You need to talk to someone.

So deal with your sadness. Don’t hold it in. If you hold it in, it will hurt you in the long run. This is just something I think about every year around this time. The longer you hold it in the more it’s going to hurt. So talk about it. It’s something I struggle with but I force myself to talk so I stop dwelling. There are some things you might never move on from and the sadness will always be there, but that doesn’t mean you can ignore it.

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12 Days of Christmas: Day 11- Christmas Eve OOTD

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Christmas Eve OOTD

Now I’m not a fashion blogger but every now and then I like to do a fashion or beauty post. Today is one of those days.

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What I’m wearing:

Dress: Zara
Shoes: Payless (in black)
Bracelets: Alex and Ani CLADDAGH and SAILBOAT (both in silver)
Necklace: Pearls from my grandparents

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On my face:

Lipstick: Milani
Eyes: Benefit They’re Real Liner, Almay black liquid liner, ELF Eyeshadow, Ulta mascara in the silver tube, Ulta Glitter
Earrings: My Mom’s
Glasses: Walmart

If you want more specifics I can give them to you. Obviously I can never take these posts too seriously.

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And here’s just a few more snaps of my Christmas Eve. First we have all of the cousins (minus Sean) trying to take a group picture. Then we have a close up of the tree, and then we have an out of focus shot of the tree as well.

Hope you are all enjoying the holiday!

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Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 18

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Well it’s been awhile since I’ve done some late night blogging, and really that’s all I have time for right now it seems. I go home in 12 days by the time I hit publish on this post, which is crazy, this semester has gone so quickly. However, I have 8 assignments due before them, I crossed off two today (thank goodness) but it’s stressful and I’m ready to be done with them all.

It’s weird getting ready to go home, it has gone by really fast, but I’m also ready to go home. I’ll miss the people and the city but I really miss my family friend back home, so I’m pretty ready to get home.

A lot’s going on and a lot is about to happen. I was away for a week, saw Molly, and now I’ve been back in Dublin ever since and I’m just trying to make the best out of my last few weeks here. I’m also getting ready to start 12 Days of Christmas on my blog! 12 days of daily blogging!  I do miss that sometimes, so this will either feed the fuel or leave me hungry for more, we shall see.

I’m also very excited for Christmas, I’m almost done my shopping. I love Christmas, I can’t wait to get home to wrap the presets. The things I’m most excited about going home are as followed: IHOP, wrapping Christmas presents, and having an oven. That’s obviously not including seeing everyone. I really miss IHOP, it will be breakfast on Sunday. Well maybe dinner because it’s so crowded Sunday morning and afternoon, you just have to time out the meal times. Also, I’m excited for American Netflix, some options are better here, but there are a lot fewer.

Let me rant about housing back home for a second. They won’t tell me who I can live with, they are literally just going to stick me with some random person in some random building which is absolutely absurd if you ask me. I’m so annoyed. It doesn’t make sense for them, and it doesn’t make sense for me. I can’t even fill out a form to see who I would be most compatible with. It’s just ridiculous. They wouldn’t let me save a spot, their recommendation for study abroad students is to live in language housing, providing no recommendations for people who are studying in an English speaking country. It’s really helpful. I’m annoyed.

Anyway, I’m beyond ready for bed. What’s going on in your life?

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Happy Thanksgiving!

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Happy Thanksgiving! To be quite honest, it does not feel like Thanksgiving, I went to class today. However, my family is almost back to Dublin! I don’t think I mentioned at all yet that they have been visiting this week which I’m so thankful for, it’s so nice to have them here for the holiday because it’s my favorite holiday and if they weren’t here I would be super homesick.

Anyway, I’ve been doing really good with blogging recently, I hope to keep it that way. I’ll be doing a LNBM for an update probably one day this week. For today I just want to share what I’m thankful for.

  • My parents. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be studying abroad, I wouldn’t have traveled nearly as much as I have been. They are so supportive and encouraging of me, and I would like them to know how much I appreciate and how grateful and thankful I really am.
  • My sisters. While they drive me crazy, I love having two sisters. They are so supportive and always there when I need them.
  • The rest of my family. I think I am very blessed in the family department. I’m really missing all of them today.
  • My old friends. I have the absolute best friends, from college, from home, from the internet. Every day I am reminded that I am so blessed for the friends that I have. It’s nice to know wherever I go, someone is always there for me.
  • My new friends. They have made my trip here amazing, the experience even more special than I expected it. Now I have friends throughout the whole US which is pretty amazing.
  • My corner of the internet. Whenever I’m having an off day I have this place that I can come and write my feelings out, not judged, with people who can relate.
  • My school and studying abroad. I know that I am extremely fortunate to be receiving a level of higher education, and more specifically this semester, to be so lucky travel abroad and see the world.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you have a great day with your friends and family. Even if you aren’t celebrating take a minute to remember what you are thankful for today! Hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving!

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3 Days 3 Quotes Challenge: Day 3

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Okay so maybe I went the unconventional route with this challenge, and didn’t take it too seriously but that’s how I like to do life. This is a quote from one of my favorite TV shows “Parks and Recreation”. I think this quote is very suitable for myself, however I must also include family with friends.

Leslie Knope is an inspiration to all. Like talk about an empowering woman, Leslie is a powerful, amazing, positive, breakfast loving woman, and all around very inspiring to me, which is why I thought it was very important to make it my last quote. She’s just this huge feminist icon in my opinion, feel free to disagree, but when I think feminism I think Leslie Knope.

I think this just suits me and my love for breakfast foods, especially IHOP, and that sometimes, maybe I can prioritize that over people, but not really. They might almost be equal because whenever I talk to my friends from back home I just go on and on about how I miss IHOP.  However silly it may seem, it really holds some truth to it though. Friends and family, waffles, work.

I really appreciate the last part, always put work third. Work should never be the first priority because than nothing is going to matter, and I think people forget about that. There is this idea that work is what makes you money so it has to go first, but really what makes you happy needs to go first.

So my list would probably go: God, friends and family, breakfast*, school/blogging/work. I put blogging in the work category since it takes up so much time, more time than a hobby, but I thoroughly enjoy it. I do need to remember not to put it first, because I did have a tendency to do that when I was daily blogging. You need to put people and the things that really enrich your life first.

What would your list be like?

If you are confused by this post, be sure to check out yesterday’s and Sunday’s posts to catch up! Thanks again to Getting Through Anxiety for challenging me to this, I’ve had a lot of fun with it! I didn’t challenge anyone like I was supposed to, but I really encourage everyone to try it, it really makes you think not only about  your favorite quotes,  but about what they really, truly mean to you.

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*Half joking about breakfast being that high up on the list, half not joking.

 

To Those Who Love Me.

My school just released us off of lockdown after a shooting at a local high school. This really just stuck a cord and serves as a reminder about how precious life is I thought I would write to all the people in my life who love and care for me like my family and friends (real life and internet). Thank you all just so much.

Thank you for listening to me ask you a million times if you are okay or if I should be worried or just my million questions and comments that I say so that I know you’re safe so I can worry less. Thank  you for answering and responding and knowing that I mean it with love and not to be controlling. I’m not trying to be crazy and that I just really care a lot to the point of being annoying. I know my  constant questions and requests for someone to let me know that they’re safe and home are probably really annoying. I know that sometimes I nag like a second mom but it’s only because I care- so thanks for dealing with that.

Thank you for putting me at ease and reassuring me after every little freak out that I’m going to be okay and I don’t need to stress so much. Although it doesn’t always work you all try your best and that’s the comforting thing to me. It’s almost as if no matter how hard I freak out and lack faith in myself there always seems to be someone around who thinks that I have some sort of potential.

Thank you for laughing at my super lame jokes and pretending I’m funny. I know I’m one of the few people who find myself hilarious and a lot of people laugh at me rather than with me so thank you for pretending to laugh with me even when I’m not actually funny. If you genuinely think I’m funny thanks for that too, like you’re one of a few.

Thank you for being there when I need someone. I kind of covered this above but thank you for just being around when I need to talk about the stupidest stuff and listening to my rants about things that I only think matter. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on when I need it- even though I don’t cry in front of people really.

Thank you for being honest with me. I know that I have the habit of being too honest sometimes but that’s because that’s how I want people to be with me. Thank you for telling me when I look stupid or my hair is wacky or I need to fix my eyebrows.

Thank you for lying to me and telling me that I look good when I look like a hot mess minus the hot part. Thank you for boosting my confidence when I’m feeling really low. Thank you for telling me that I don’t need to diet and workout when we all know it would hurt me to lose a few pounds.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for making sure I’m okay and not about to break. Thank you for making sure I’m safe when I often find myself in sticky situations. I can always count on someone to make sure I’m okay when I ignore too many messages from the group or an individual.

Thank you for motivating and pushing me to do my best. Thank you for not letting my negative thoughts bring me down. Thank you for telling me that I’m not stupid or dumb and I just didn’t do something right and I can fix it. Thank you for letting me know that I can do better.

Thank you for letting me be me. I know I’m weird and I say weird things and I do weird things and yet you all seem to still like me for it. Thank you for letting me be me and accepting me for that even with my little freakouts and snapping moments. You allow me to be weird and share my stories of my weird life and you still accept me and that’s pretty cool.

Thank you for not holding me to everything I say and knowing I’m a wuss when it comes to certain things. Thank you for not pressuring me or asking me to do something or telling me to do something because that’s what you would do in the situation- thank you for letting me figure some things out on my own.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for realizing that sometimes my anxiety will get the best of me at really inconvenient times but you’ll let me be because you know I can’t help it. Thanks for not pushing me to do more than I can handle.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for not letting other people influence you and take over the person that love and care for. Thank you for taking care of yourself and putting you above me sometimes because that’s what people need to do.

So this is to all of the people who care for me and love me more than I deserve sometimes. I really, really appreciate you. Thank you so much.

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The Always Looming Future.

I would say since I left for college the future has not stopped looming over my head. The question of what am I doing with myself and my life is the forever question it seems. I go to class and do my work but I’m not passionate about it, I don’t know if I’m not a passionate person or if I just haven’t found anything to be passionate about yet. I’m so jealous of people who find something they love and want to spend the next 50 odd years doing.

I think about the traditional way of life, go to college, meet someone, get a job, get married (sometimes those two are reversed), work, have kids (falls in other places too), work some more, divorce maybe, maybe even remarry, maybe have some more kids, kids grow up, you retire, have grandkids then after hopefully a good 20 years of retirement you die. I hate that. I hate the traditional.

I want to graduate college and help people but if I have an internship at the end of college- which is the goal, I would hope that they would maybe give me a job or I would have to find a job in a field that I like which illiminates my ability to travel and help people right after college. I think once you get that job though you get stuck in a rut of work and life starts faster than you can blink and that’s what really scares me. I’m afraid that I’m going to blink and I’m going to be 50 in a cubicle with a kid in college and a husband and another kid at home. I would say this is easily my second biggest fear, the rut of life.

I think there’s about 20 blog posts of me this year just stressing out about the future. What I’m going to do, what it holds, what is going to happen with me as a whole and as a person and how people are going to affect me in the long run, where I’m going to be in five years. All of it is very overwhelming to think about. I tend to write it all here to get all of these thoughts out of my head because they more they stay in my head the more they drive me crazy. I hate not having a plan, I really hate the unknown. I hate that I don’t know if my glasses might not be in the store tomorrow, so the fact that I don’t know what I’ll be doing 10 years from now pains me.

I keep thinking that one day I’m going to wake up and I’m just going to know what I’m doing with my life and something is just going to fall into my lap and that will be it. I’ll just know what I’m doing, yet that’s not how life works, I feel like you either have an idea or you don’t, I have ideas they just aren’t practical.

I don’t know friends. These are the thoughts that haunt me.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

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So yesterday I shared what I was thankful for because today I wanted to share with you my Thanksgiving day. It started at work, which I don’t think I’ll ever do again mostly because it really ruined my mood for the whole day but I tried to get over it to have a good time with my family. After work we went to my Aunt Jen’s house for dinner. Here are just some pictures from there that I thought I would share with you to show you what I see on Thanksgiving. With the exception of the two pictures of me in them with my youngest cousin Chloe.

Minus work I would say I had a great Thanksgiving. It was great seeing my family for the first time since the summer really. I saw my grandparents a few weeks ago and I see my sisters and parents every month but my extended family I hardly see. Chris (my cousin) and Rachael (his now fiance and basically a cousin already) are both in college too so I see them less often the rest of the family or at least it feels like it. It was also the first time I’ve seen them since they’ve been engaged so that’s pretty cool.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! What was the best part? I liked the bread (even though it was a little burnt it’s the best). I know these pictures aren’t super artistic or breathtaking but I just wanted to capture a few memories and moments.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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I’m Thankful For…

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I made this collage and it ended up very small. The little font says that I couldn’t find pictures of everything and everyone I’m thankful for so just because you aren’t pictured doesn’t mean I don’t love and care for you so much. Just a clarification so no one thinks that I don’t love them because I do.

A traditional normal person would list everything they’re thankful for on actual Thanksgiving but I have other plans for tomorrow so I’m listing what I’m thankful for tonight. I’m not normal nor traditional so enjoy the list of things I’m thankful for early.

  • My Hood friends. Last year I struggled a lot with friends and people who didn’t seem to really care about me or anything and now I feel like I’m finally comfortable with the people I’ve chosen to surround myself with. So shout out to all of you, you know who you are. I’m really thankful for all you, so much.
  • My family. This is so cheesy and I feel like I don’t need to say much but I couldn’t ask for a more supportive group of people. Anytime I’m going through anything I’m sure to get a Facebook message, comment, or phone call.
  • All of my other friends. There are great people in my life and I couldn’t ask for better. The past year has really taught me that there are people who will be there for you and people who won’t, a tough but important lesson.
  • My blogger friends. Over a year ago I never thought I would ever be able just to click with someone online, but I have and I’m so grateful to all of them. There are people out there that just get you without knowing you and that’s amazing to me and if it wasn’t for this I never would have learned that. Again,  you know who you are and just thank you for reaching out to me.
  • The fact that I get to go to college. There are so many people in the world who are not nearly as privileged as myself who would never get such opportunities so even when it’s hard I need to be thankful that this is a possibility.
  • My blog. I’m just thankful that I have a place to write everything that I think in a seemingly judge free zone.
  • All the opportunities I’m given. Things come up in my life on a daily basis and I’m just glad for every single one.
  • IHOP, the greatest restaurant on the whole planet. Pancakes and coffee what could be better?
  • Target, a great store. The greatest store.
  • My life. There is nothing better than life and I’m just happy where I am in mine currently. Everything is good.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

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The Five Year Plan.

I don’t have a five year plan. I don’t even have a one year plan. I like the idea of the five year plan though, it’s a great concept. In five years I should hypothetically have my shit together, I highly doubt that will happen but that’s where I should be in five years. Five years from now I’ll be TWENTY FIVE! That’s really old, at least to me. My mom was 24 when she had me so that puts a lot into perspective on my side. I don’t want to have a child within the next five years. I don’t want to be married within the next five years. According to Mary Time I shouldn’t be getting married for at least another seven years, Mary Time will be explained another time.

I’m not a free spirited person, I’m very much a constricted person.  I wish I was a free spirited person because then the lack of a five year plan wouldn’t worry me so much. To me, there’s just so much in the world to experience and try that I’m at a loss for what to do next. For example, I want to study abroad next fall but I also am afraid of missing out here. I can’t let that stop me though, but at the same time I don’t know where to go. It’s a very complex up in my brain. So that stops my one year plan and holds it up a bit. Which makes me interested in a summer program or something along those lines. There’s a lot of things I have to think about.

I’m also very single. Like there’s not a man on my radar besides an attractive person I see on my way to class. If I was in a serious relationship I’m sure a goal of mine would be to get married within the next five years, but that’s not me or the position I’m currently in. For me to get married I would like to be dating the man for at least five years prior to marriage so I will not be getting married for at least another six years.

Currently I would like to consider myself in the selfish years. The next five years are for me, and if a man wants to enter my life he is more than welcome to do so, but for now these are the years for myself. I don’t have to report to anyone but myself. After I graduate college in two and a half years I have a lot of time to work on myself. I suppose I could currently be working on it but right now I still have responsibilities.

The point of a five year plan is to set up goals and have ambitions and an idea of what you’re going to do for the next five years. Shout out to the people who have five year plans, but an even bigger shout out to the people who can’t even manage a one year plan like myself.

There’s a greatness in a five year plan but there is also something really special about the endless opportunities of the lack of one. I’m rather excited that I can have endless opportunities and  experiences without the idea  of goals and expectations that I created for myself looming over my head.

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