I’m Scared.

Yesterday I asked what my major career goal was. I don’t have one. Yesterday I was asked a question I will be and have been asked millions of times within my lifetime, yet yesterday was the first time I had nothing to say. Like I don’t know what I want to do, but I don’t have any career goals at all. Cool.

I’m tired of people telling me “a lot of people don’t know” and “you’ll figure it out” because that doesn’t mean that right at this moment I don’t feel sick everyday because I feel like I’m wasting my time. Wasting time is a huge anxiety trigger for me, wasting anything is, but especially time. Go ahead, tell me it’ll all work out but that’s not a guarantee. I’m sitting in class and I have no long term goals.

I enjoyed my internship as an experience but I honestly don’t think that I will thoroughly enjoy my life in a cubicle and I guess a goal of mine would to not be completely miserable by the time I’m thirty, and I think I might be miserable if I sit in a cubicle for the next fifty plus years. I go to class and I’m finally in classes for my major and I’m still uneasy and unsure of what I’m doing. I’m in News Writing and she’s already telling us about how many people we’re going to have to call, it takes me at least 20 minutes to make a phone call. I don’t know if I want to interview people my whole life either, trying to overcome anxiety every time I have an assignment.

I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s making me anxious and I’m afraid that I’m either wasting my time here or I’m going to end up somewhere I hate. Life scares me when I don’t have a plan. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I have no goals that go further than hobbies. I focus my energy on things like this that will probably get me nowhere. I put time into crafts, into YouTube, into silly things that will make me happy in the now, not something that’ s going to help me ten years from now. I’m lost, confused, and I have no idea what I’m doing. Most of all I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to end up doing nothing with my life. Afraid, that I’m going to be unhappy the rest of my days. Worried that one day I’ll look back and all that I’ve accomplished is a stable life. I want a good life, not just a stable one. I don’t want to live with regrets and I’m afraid that I’m on path that will lead me to a life with many. I know a life with zero regret is impossible at this point since I already have some, but I don’t want my whole life to be one giant regret because frankly that would just suck. Hopefully I figure it out before it’s too late.

XOXO,

Mary.

Advertisements