Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 27

It has been quite sometime that I’ve ventured to this little corner of my blog, one of my previously most written in sections, I mean 27 posts is quite a few. Speaking of 27, Mary Fun Fact™ it’s my favorite number.

Recently, I have been very anxious again. I don’t know if it’s the boy stressing me out (yes of course he had to text me) or I drank too much this past weekend but I can’t shake it. It’s so annoying.

Besides the point, I have exactly two months until graduation. It’s absolutely insane. I cannot believe how quickly my time in college has gone. The past four years have flown by like no other. I remember when I finished middle school my mom was talking to my best friend and me about how quickly time was going to start going and I think about last year I realized how true that was. There’s a part of me who never wants to leave college, and then there’s a bigger part of me that’s very excited for the future.

This spring break was probably my most uneventful yet. I didn’t work, we had a snow day, and I went home for the weekend. However, other than my desire to be reading on a beach somewhere, I really appreciated all of the downtime I finally had. I probably should have done more school work than I did, but there’s a reason it’s a break.

I’m not sure what else really should be in here. I feel like there are a million things I have to say, yet nothing at the same time. I guess for now, this is my update.

What’s going on with everyone else?

Happy LNBM!

Advertisements

So I’ve been 22…

hello-ive-been

Okay so I didn’t write last year (2016) around my birthday, why? Because I wasn’t writing. Am I getting better now? A little bit but not really. So, in order to try and be a better blogger I’m going to write about 22 so far.

Here’s the thing: I’m feeling it, I’m feeling 22. It’s my Taylor Swift year, and that’s the best way to look at it as a positive thing in my opinion. I have not been taking aging in my twenties thus far very gracefully, each year is met with extreme expectations that are never quite met with the enthusiasm that I picture to be. So, by making this my Taylor Swift year I’m attempting to live my life like the “22” song that everyone seems to be quoting on their Instagrams this fateful year. As well as a host of all the Taylor Swift songs that I’ve ever aspired to see myself in.

Now, I’m the first of my friends for the most who turned 22 back in September, so that’s always been like an existential thing for me, it just makes me feel older than I am. However, I would say this was definitely the best celebration yet for 22 and I had started off my year on quite the kick. By that I mean I got pretty drunk with some of my best friends. I think that set a precedent for 22. Yes, I’m drinking more than I ever have (once a week, chill out, nothing too crazy) but it’s okay. This is my last year as  a pre-adult so I’m doing whatever I want for one more year and I think that’s really okay.

22 so far has been a time for self-actualization and self-love. I’ve been letting myself really do what I want, I mean I’m sure the Zoloft helps with that, but I’m finally doing things that I’ve always wanted to but stopped myself from doing. While I’m still often referred to as mom, I’m doing less-momish things and putting myself first sometimes. Not all the time, I do still have a problem saying no, but I’m trying to get better at it. I’ve also gotten a lot better at trying to make my life work for me, and at the end of the day what’s going to make me happy.

22 so far has been a time for friendships and lack of toxic relationships. The week after my birthday I started cutting out people who were toxic to me because that isn’t something I need to deal with. So I’ve worked on friendships with people who equalize their relationship with me, if that makes sense. Yes friendships are a two-way street, and sometimes they require more give than take, but it shouldn’t be that way all the time. So I found new friends, grew old friendships, formed new ones, and left the bad ones. There are too many good people in this world to surround yourself with people who make you feel bad about yourself.

22 so far has been a time for thoughts surrounding my future, as if that isn’t what I’ve been doing for the past four years of college. However, now it’s different. It’s more real. I’m applying for jobs, seeing what is best for me and my future. I have to think about things like benefits and the cost of living in cities where I apply to jobs compared to the salary. It’s a lot to think about.

So far, I think 22 has been good to me, maybe I’ll update you when I turn 23 about how the rest of the year goes. For now, I’m feelin’ 22.

Are you 22? Did you learn something new about yourself when you were?

signature

Majoring in “I Don’t Know What to Do”

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how I don’t have a thing. There’s never been one thing that I’m really good at and just sticks with me. I haven’t found what a lot of people would call, their calling with what to do with the rest of their life. Here I am, obsessed with social media, but that’s not a calling, it’s just an interest. I’m not exceptionally good at social media by any means. Just above 200 followers on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr, that’s not excelling, that’s about average, slightly more on Instagram, slightly less on Tumblr. Here I have the most, around the mid 400s but this hasn’t changed in nearly a year. I’m becoming stagnant.

I think in life I’ve always just wanted to have a “thing” something that I’m just really good at. I know that everyone doesn’t have a thing, I just wish that I did. I’m a Communication Arts major which means it’s something I would say is questioned more often than a lot of majors. I never ask a bio major why they’re a bio major, I just assume that they’ll do research or go to med school. And maybe because I don’t ask, I’m just assuming that they aren’t asked why they’re a bio major, but I’m constantly asked why I’m a communications major. I have a feeling it’s because no 5-year-old girl says that she wants to run IHOP’s Twitter.

When it comes to my answer, it’s often times not acceptable for people. I usually say, well I don’t want to teach, and I only want to learn about post Civil War, so I can’t be a history major.  There’s just nothing that’s ever really stuck out to me, communications has offered the most options for me. For a while I was headed towards political science, however, I just find it so exhausting to argue. There’s just always been something wrong with everything else, so what it comes down to, is I’m a communications major because I don’t know what else to do.

I once told the career center that, they were not pleased. They suggested I change my major, which pushed me to never want to talk to them again about anything. I’m majoring in “I don’t know what to do” is that okay?

I know I go back and forth on topics like this all the time. It’s just that recently I think I’m seeing more and more people fall into their place in life and I just seem to not be able to find that spot for myself. Like yes, I’m excited that I’ll be able to get a job essentially anywhere after college, I just keep questioning if it’s something I want to be doing. I guess  it is since I can’t picture myself doing anything else.

I just feel like I’m in a worldly limbo of almost being finished with my major, but not quite ready to face the world with the choices I’ve made. I still have a year until graduation but I feel like I need more time.

I don’t know. I just needed to get these thoughts out. In a week I’m sure I’ll be back to being thrilled with my choice to be a Communication Arts major, however, today I just wish I had more options. I just don’t know what I would want those options to be.

Anyone else feel the same way? Please tell me I’m not alone.

signature

On the road again… Or should I say in the air?

Im back at the airport waiting for my flight to London to start boarding. I can’t get over how fortunat I am to have these amazing experiences.  This week alone I will be in three different countries, four different cities, and I get off school for a week. I’m so blessed to be graced with such amazing opportunities. 

I’m so happy to be traveling. Although, I will admit it’s a lot easier when my mom just plans everything for me. Today I leave Dublin, get to London, I’ll be there until Wednesday morning then I got to Madrid, then head off to Seville on Thursday to see Molly. It’ll be so nice to see one of my best friends from home. I’ve never been to Spain before so I’m super excited. 

It’s crazy to think that I’m traveling more this semester more than I have ever travelled in a span of three months, or at least it feels like a lot of travel. It has given me a lot of time to self-reflect and think about what I want to do in the future. I know that I want to live somewhere that’s realistically easy for me to see my family and close friends. Sometimes I just want that comfort. Like I’m not saying I want to end up in Lancaster or Frederick, but I want to be a short plane ride/train journey/car ride away, just in case I want to see my family. However, I still want to see the world and all it has to offer.

So now I’m off to see London, let me know of any must sees! 

signature

No Direction.

I’ve lost whatever type of direction I was previously convinced I’ve had. I’m back to this place where I’m convinced I’m going to be a failure in the future. However, I’m assuming that’s not true.

I would say I’m one of few people at least that I know of that has the next two years of college planned out. Like every class that I’m taking every semester for the next two years in planned. I’m taking all these classes to try to get something to click. Find something I could do for the rest of my life. Here the list I have so far: read history books and write history essays, blog, write fake stories for the newspaper, and provide people with random bits of knowledge and fun facts. I don’t know if any of those are actual careers, if you know that they are let me know! Also side note I don’t want to get a history degree so if it requires that, I’ll pass.

I just think it’s kind of hard seeing everyone around you developing plans and making goals. Like I am constantly asked what my goals are and I don’t have any. My goal is just to try to figure everything out. I don’t have anything figured out. Everyone around me has a goal, and whether they view it as attainable or not, I still admire it. I still appreciate that they have them, because I don’t even have one future goal.

I don’t know what I’m doing and everyone keeps saying “You’re only 20, that’s okay.” but I feel like I’m going to hit that day soon where it’s not okay, where someone is uncomfortable with the idea that I don’t know what I’m doing. At what age is it no longer acceptable to not have a plan, because I have to be pretty close.  21? 22? I feel like you’re supposed to know by now. Something is supposed to appeal to you, and you know what appeals to me? Things that aren’t jobs.

So yes, I’m sure you’re all thinking, yeah it’s okay to not have it all figured out Mary, but really we’re going to be to that point soon where it’s really not okay. I don’t have that much time. When I look at how quickly this year is going I’m kind of surprised that college is going really fast and I don’t have as much time as everyone thinks to get my life in order, or a goal in order. I don’t want to be an underachiever, but that’s how I feel.

Sorry this is kind of not uplifting, but the opposite. Is anyone else struggling with this? Please tell me I’m not alone in this one.

signature

 

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

blog challenge day 6

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. If I could do this for a living I would do it in a heart beat. I would love to blog right here the rest of my life. I can’t see myself stopping ever at this point. I mean I know that could change my mind but currently I see this blog running parallel to my life for the foreseeable future.

My dream job is blogging plain and simple. If I could travel and blog my whole life, I would be very content. I wish that it was a practical job that I could do but I’m not very good. I don’t really understand how people do it. I’ve written a few “sponsored” posts but I wasn’t paid for them so they don’t really count. I wish that I could open my laptop in a new place every week and just blog about where I was and what I was doing and everything that I thought. Almost like I do now, but I usually wake up in one of two places and I don’t share those places because I’ve already done that- where I go to school and where I’m from.

If I was able I would without a doubt be a full-time blogger and student. I guess you could consider me a full time blogger but I don’t get paid. This is the dream job. Since this is an unattainable dream job I will settle for something similar like blogging for a company or something along the lines of writing. I’m not sure what I want to do, I have meetings with the career center again this week to try and get closer to what that is.

I wish I had an attainable dream job. Like I wish I was one of those people who wanted to be an accountant. Like I could be an accountant minus the fact that I hate math and I don’t like to do it, but I could do it. It would be attainable. There’s something about art fields when you are a mediocre writer and editor that makes everything seem very unattainable. I wish I could sit here and write that I will without a doubt be a writer at some newspaper but nothing about me can say that. I hate conducting interviews and I’m not very good at editing (obviously) so I can’t say I would be an editor somewhere either.

The dream is this, the reality is that I don’t know if this can be an attainable dream. I wish, I really wish that it could be but it doesn’t really make sense. I don’t know what I can see myself doing in the future, which is stressful for me. Like I feel like a lot of people can close their eyes and see themselves in a desk somewhere or out in the field doing something, I just can’t. I close my eyes and I see myself in an apartment blogging. That’s not practical. The dream is impractical.

This is the dream, the dream just really doesn’t agree to make a life for myself. Does this make sense? Does anyone know if I can make this dream reality? Probably not, I mean if you are let me know so I know the secrets. I’m sure it’s not a matter of luck and it takes a lot of hard work, which I like to think that I put into this. I don’t know. I’m just thinking out in writing. It’s not the practical dream but it’s the dream and I keep saying that because that’s how I feel. We all know about how I like to write my feelings.

What’s your dream job? Any ideas I can steal from anyone? Probably not. I’m being too negative because I’m letting other frustrations in my life affect my ability to see that my future is bright (oh dear Lord, I hope so) and I apologize for that. Stay safe if you live in snowy areas, I know it was bad here this past weekend so be safe!

signature

I’m Figuring it Out.

Yesterday I went to my college’s career center, they told me that I should reconsider my major. That was helpful considering I’m practically done the requirements for it. Then I took their version of a career aptitude test and each section told me to that I would be good at something different so that’s interesting. I’m at the crossroads of life yet again and I’m sure next week after my meeting with them it will be worse. I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like I should know what I want to do by now and adults should respect my decisions considering I’m kind of an adult.

I’m tired of being questioned about who I am and what I’m doing. I think people think they’re helping when they ask me questions like “are you sure” or “what are you going to do with that?” as if I’m not asking myself those same questions every day. It’s not helpful to push someone against something they just made their minds up about.

I am a thorough thinker in about everything I do. I don’t really make a decision without considering and weighing all of my options. I have considered every single major my school offers and I have come to the conclusion that Communications is really the only thing that interests me besides photography which really isn’t an option with the way my school does it, plus that’s not a career for me. Communications is something that I can see myself doing and it also happens to be the only thing I like, which is apparently a problem for other people. I’m very sorry that I don’t like anything but I don’t know how that’s anyone else’s problem but my own.

I hope no one thinks I’m a waste of potential or anything. I feel like way too many people besides myself are concerned about where I’m going to end up. Honestly I’m not that worried. I’m not really worried that I won’t find a job because I think if you’re actively trying to find something especially in the communications field someone’s always going to need you. Since I would be fine living almost anywhere I’m not worried about it. I’m more concerned that I’m going to end up unhappy but I will actively find somewhere to work that I can be happy in.

So in conclusion: Firstly,  yes I have a career that I would like to go into, actually two that I’m really looking into. Second, please stop questioning every decision I make because I can promise that I’ve questioned it a lot more than you and it took me way too long to come to that conclusion. Lastly, I’m not worried, I’m comfortable enough with where I am, I have a type of plan and I am confident that I will be able to find a job. Stop stressing me out because you think I’m making rash decision. I don’t know what I’m doing but everyone figures this sort of thing out on their own, just keep that in mind.

signature

The Dreaded Question: What do you want to do?

Today was the first day of classes, which still requires so many professors asking your name and major, and today career paths. That was a terrible question. What do you want to do? I hate it so much. I hate that I’m twenty and I have no clue what I want to do. I hate that I know a million things I don’t want to do but there’s not even a little part of me that knows what I want to do.

I hate saying in front of the class that I don’t have career goals because I look like I’m not ambitious, but I am, I just don’t know what I want to be ambitious about.  Whenever these questions come up I get anxious, I love thinking and planning ahead but I can’t even decide what I want to do and that’s stressful for me.

Whenever anyone asks me what I want to do that’s not my advisor (who happened to be the professor asking today) I usually just say journalism or something in the communications field. Not true, definitely something in the communications field but not journalism. If I say that though people will think I have some type of plan so I get less criticism from strangers if I just say that.

Now, since this scares me so much I take career tests ALL THE TIME! Like literally when I have free time I’m trying to find a new one to take that’s free. They all give me the same result: JOURNALIST! I don’t want to be a journalist. I don’t like the people who aspire to be journalists (besides Logan and very few others) they’re very rude and arrogant. I can’t stand arrogance. I don’t want to subject myself to that the rest of my life.

I think I worry about this so much because I don’t want to grow up looking forward to the weekends. I don’t want to think every Monday “not this again” or “When’s Friday?” it’s easily one of my biggest fears that I  will be waiting for the next time I catch a break. I don’t want to be one of those people who dreads going to work everyday, I honestly want to enjoy my job. I hate my job (not internship) at home and I dread going there every time I do. I hate that I’m waiting for time to pass, wishing for eight hours of my life to just vanish. I want to enjoy every hour that I can and if that means exploring every option of what I’m doing with my future that’s what that’ll mean. It terrifies me that I don’t know what I want to do but it’s better than choosing something to do and then hating it for the rest of my life I suppose.

No one ask me that question again though, okay? It really pisses me off. The permanent answer is I DON’T KNOW!

signature

The Always Looming Future.

I would say since I left for college the future has not stopped looming over my head. The question of what am I doing with myself and my life is the forever question it seems. I go to class and do my work but I’m not passionate about it, I don’t know if I’m not a passionate person or if I just haven’t found anything to be passionate about yet. I’m so jealous of people who find something they love and want to spend the next 50 odd years doing.

I think about the traditional way of life, go to college, meet someone, get a job, get married (sometimes those two are reversed), work, have kids (falls in other places too), work some more, divorce maybe, maybe even remarry, maybe have some more kids, kids grow up, you retire, have grandkids then after hopefully a good 20 years of retirement you die. I hate that. I hate the traditional.

I want to graduate college and help people but if I have an internship at the end of college- which is the goal, I would hope that they would maybe give me a job or I would have to find a job in a field that I like which illiminates my ability to travel and help people right after college. I think once you get that job though you get stuck in a rut of work and life starts faster than you can blink and that’s what really scares me. I’m afraid that I’m going to blink and I’m going to be 50 in a cubicle with a kid in college and a husband and another kid at home. I would say this is easily my second biggest fear, the rut of life.

I think there’s about 20 blog posts of me this year just stressing out about the future. What I’m going to do, what it holds, what is going to happen with me as a whole and as a person and how people are going to affect me in the long run, where I’m going to be in five years. All of it is very overwhelming to think about. I tend to write it all here to get all of these thoughts out of my head because they more they stay in my head the more they drive me crazy. I hate not having a plan, I really hate the unknown. I hate that I don’t know if my glasses might not be in the store tomorrow, so the fact that I don’t know what I’ll be doing 10 years from now pains me.

I keep thinking that one day I’m going to wake up and I’m just going to know what I’m doing with my life and something is just going to fall into my lap and that will be it. I’ll just know what I’m doing, yet that’s not how life works, I feel like you either have an idea or you don’t, I have ideas they just aren’t practical.

I don’t know friends. These are the thoughts that haunt me.

signature

Being Lost

After five hours in the car I came home to catch up on some YouTube and I watched this video. To be honest, I can’t tell you how I stumbled upon Will Darbyshire, he must’ve come up on my recommended one day or something but he has some of the best videos I’ve ever seen to be honest. He’s one of those people where I watch his videos and I just feel like if I eve met him we would be fast friends, I don’t know why I think that, that’s just what I think when I watch his videos. This is all besides the point though.

This video is about feeling lost and even though I’ve declared my major and made some other decisions I still feel unsure about a lot. Today someone came into my health class from the Heartly House, a local source for domestic and sexual abuse and it made me question my decision to be a communications major. While I love writing things like this, I hate doing news articles. I find them boring and frustrating but I don’t know what else I would do. This talk made me want to help people but how can you realistically help people and make money to accomplish everything I personally want to accomplish? I know that sounds really bad and selfish but I feel like the age I’m at, this is the only time I have to be selfish. I don’t have my own family (like a husband and kids) to worry about for quite some time and this is Mary Time but I still want to figure out how to help people and make a difference.

What does a communication major do to help people? Write about it? That doesn’t seem very useful to anyone. I’m sure there are resources and websites that are specifically for communication majors to help people and that’s definitely something I have to look into for post graduation, which I have PLENTY of time until then. I’m not sure. There’s just a lot of stress on the future in my head and I have this tendency to freak out about the fact that I don’t have a plan other than wanting to volunteer in an orphanage in China after graduation which seems really random and I have no idea where the idea came from it just is something I want to do.

I honestly think this existential crisis will continue until I have a solid life plan where I actually like something rather than it’s just tolerable. Blogging isn’t really a life career for me, it’s a great side hobby but I highly doubt it something that I could make a future out of. I have this idea in my head that one day I’m just going to fall into something and it’s just going to work out. I can’t plan my life like that though, that’s not how life actually works, as much as I wish it did, it’s not.

What are your life plans? Give me ideas.

signature