So I’ve been 22…

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Okay so I didn’t write last year (2016) around my birthday, why? Because I wasn’t writing. Am I getting better now? A little bit but not really. So, in order to try and be a better blogger I’m going to write about 22 so far.

Here’s the thing: I’m feeling it, I’m feeling 22. It’s my Taylor Swift year, and that’s the best way to look at it as a positive thing in my opinion. I have not been taking aging in my twenties thus far very gracefully, each year is met with extreme expectations that are never quite met with the enthusiasm that I picture to be. So, by making this my Taylor Swift year I’m attempting to live my life like the “22” song that everyone seems to be quoting on their Instagrams this fateful year. As well as a host of all the Taylor Swift songs that I’ve ever aspired to see myself in.

Now, I’m the first of my friends for the most who turned 22 back in September, so that’s always been like an existential thing for me, it just makes me feel older than I am. However, I would say this was definitely the best celebration yet for 22 and I had started off my year on quite the kick. By that I mean I got pretty drunk with some of my best friends. I think that set a precedent for 22. Yes, I’m drinking more than I ever have (once a week, chill out, nothing too crazy) but it’s okay. This is my last year as  a pre-adult so I’m doing whatever I want for one more year and I think that’s really okay.

22 so far has been a time for self-actualization and self-love. I’ve been letting myself really do what I want, I mean I’m sure the Zoloft helps with that, but I’m finally doing things that I’ve always wanted to but stopped myself from doing. While I’m still often referred to as mom, I’m doing less-momish things and putting myself first sometimes. Not all the time, I do still have a problem saying no, but I’m trying to get better at it. I’ve also gotten a lot better at trying to make my life work for me, and at the end of the day what’s going to make me happy.

22 so far has been a time for friendships and lack of toxic relationships. The week after my birthday I started cutting out people who were toxic to me because that isn’t something I need to deal with. So I’ve worked on friendships with people who equalize their relationship with me, if that makes sense. Yes friendships are a two-way street, and sometimes they require more give than take, but it shouldn’t be that way all the time. So I found new friends, grew old friendships, formed new ones, and left the bad ones. There are too many good people in this world to surround yourself with people who make you feel bad about yourself.

22 so far has been a time for thoughts surrounding my future, as if that isn’t what I’ve been doing for the past four years of college. However, now it’s different. It’s more real. I’m applying for jobs, seeing what is best for me and my future. I have to think about things like benefits and the cost of living in cities where I apply to jobs compared to the salary. It’s a lot to think about.

So far, I think 22 has been good to me, maybe I’ll update you when I turn 23 about how the rest of the year goes. For now, I’m feelin’ 22.

Are you 22? Did you learn something new about yourself when you were?

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Positivity 2.0.

This semester has been lacking positivity from me, or at least in my opinion. I mean, as my nickname is Debbie Downer in more than one group of friends, I still want to maintain a positive energy about myself.

Recently, I’ve felt that my blog especially has not been very positive. It’s just a lot of me asking questions, not being sure, or even disappointed. I just feel like I can do better. So today, I’m here to spread positivity. I’ve been thinking of ways to do this, and I figured the best ways would be to make a list of the positive things in life and positive quotes, so I’m just going to do that.

  • It rained today and didn’t snow, which might mean that winter is almost over.
  • IHOP has the double dipped french toast back, this time with peanut butter *insert heart eye emoji here*
  • If you’re reading this you have access to internet which is pretty great
  • You’ve made it half way through the week!
  • People care about you
  • Chocolate is a thing and it’s amazing.
  • You can basically do whatever you want, sometimes the only thing stopping you is you. That’s a kind of a stupid idea because a lot of the time it isn’t true, but at the same time it’s kind of true. The world is kind of your oyster.
  • It’s almost mid way through the semester.

What are you going to do today to be positive? I hope everyone has a great day.

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Hiding Behind a Keyboard

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There’s so much hate in the world. Like we can be happy, but the world is not happy. Our environment is dying, we are killing our neighbors, kids can’t eat, and people are having a hard time getting an education, it’s sad, so why are we so mean to each other?

People are mean, I know I can be mean. What I don’t understand- and what really gets to me is cyber bullying and hiding behind a keyboard. It seems like people forget what they say online doesn’t have an affect on the people who are on the receiving end of it. I feel like people think that their words venture into cyberspace and have no repercussions, but they do.

Remember when we were kids and our moms would say “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” that goes for more than just what comes out of our mouths but also out of keyboards. People are much more bold when what they want to say is coming out of their keyboards rather than when it comes out of their mouth. I think we need a new saying, if you wouldn’t say it outloud, should you be sharing it over technology?

Things online are shared at the speed of light. If you say something and it gets shared you can lose a lot. Employers look up what you say online, what are they going to think if all you do is bash people and make fun of people? They aren’t going to want to hire someone that’s mean, it wouldn’t be good for company morale and it doesn’t matter if you would never say anything in person it does no good to do it online either.

There are so many opportunities to be kind and caring online. There are so many chances to be the voice of kindness rather than the voice of harshness and cruelty. I don’t understand why so many people use the internet to spread hate. Everyone has the opportunity to send love and kindness to people throughout the whole world so why not do that? Positive messages can get you so much further and help so many more people

Don’t be negative and mean. Don’t comment nasty things on videos or pictures or articles just because there’s a lot of traction- the mean is what stands out the most and you don’t want to be remembered for being mean or be that person that makes someone’s life harder and hurt them. Be the voice of kindness and love.

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You First.

There’s a whiteboard on my closet so when I sit up in my bed it’s the first thing I see. For the longest time I had “Take care of YOU first!” and I think that is one of the most important messages I can give myself, or anyone for that matter.

I have this habit of putting everyone before me, like I’m that person the airplanes make the announcement to adjust your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs because my first instinct would be to make sure everyone around me is okay. There’s nothing wrong with that, at all, but sometimes you have to put yourself first.

For me it’s easy to forget about myself and put everyone before me which is why I put that reminder at the foot of my bed so in the morning I would take my vitamins and drink some water. I think everyone needs this reminder- it’s okay to put yourself first. There’s this idea where you have to make everyone think your life is completely perfect- well how do you make your life seem completely perfect if you don’t take the time to take care of yourself? People can usually tell when you aren’t taking care of yourself. I know I might be perceived that way often just by my physical appearance but I think that when I start to slip people can notice. Like I’m definitely not happy when I stop taking care of myself.

There are some people who think that you can only find love once you love yourself. I think that this is partially true. Like I believe that if you can’t be happy with yourself you can’t be in a trusting relationship, you’re never going to be able to take the compliments or the good things someone has to say about you. However, I think that someone could help you to see how wonderful you are, so I believe this is both true and false.

I think as society we need to put ourselves first more. I know there are times in your life where obviously everyone goes before you because that will help everyone in the long run, but can you really help anyone if you aren’t helping yourself first? How can you improve anyone’s life when yours is the last thing on your mind? You can’t burn out before you look and examine your own life, do you know what I mean? There’s so much in your life that you have to evaluate before you can worry about other people. Focus on yourself, because sometimes that’s really the most important thing to do.

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I’m Content

I’m sorry about my brief three day break, I didn’t intend on this happening but I ended up just living life. I’ve been hanging out with my friends and trying to be an active participant in life, a change that I’ve been working on for a few months now. I actually went on a hardly documented adventure yesterday and it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.

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The documentation of my day trip.

Up until today I’ve been very content and the only reason I’m not today is because of the day and history and such but I’ve been so content with being back at school. I feel much more at ease here, mostly. I am finally happy with where I am, I feel like I’m surrounded with people who enjoy my company and people’s whose company I enjoy. I’m just content with where I am and who I am, the only thing I’m not content with is what I’m doing.

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

-Jim Rohn

What I’ve really realized is that life is all about the people who you surround yourself with and the influence they have on their life. I strongly believe that you are the average of the people who you are closest to. It’s very important to choose those people carefully because even if you aren’t actually a bad person if the people around you are it will rub off. I would say that I’m very adaptable to the people who are around. Not to say I’m a different person depending on who’s around but once I start hanging out with someone a lot I start to pick up on their mannerisms and their habits. That’s probably weird to admit but it’s true!

I think it’s just important not to associate yourself with negative thoughts and energies because it’s not worth you changing your emotional complexion to fit in with someone else or adapting to someone else. By making the choice and effort to surround yourself with people who truly care and are positive influences on your life will really provide a better mentality for yourself. Life is so much better when people respect you and your opinion rather than the opposite.

Be content. Find people who let you be that way. Don’t dwell on the negatives of life, focus on the positives. Allow yourself to be happy because happiness is what’s important and that should always come first.

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It’s Not Changing

Up until about a year ago I was waiting for a change that wasn’t going to happen. I was waiting on a message or a phone call that would change my life and obviously it never happened. Almost two years ago I was really, really happy all the time and I lost almost all of my abilities to be my typical cynical self. Then something changed and I was back and more cynical than ever. Not only was I more cynical than ever but I was sad for a good six months in a way that no one really knew because I wasn’t verbal about it and it wasn’t the kind of sad that made me cry every night or affected me a lot it was the kind of sad that was just there in the back of my mind.

I eventually realized that nothing was going to change unless I did something about it and I didn’t want to do anything about it. I thought that it wasn’t my place to initiate the change but that’s not how life works. You can’t just wait around for the perfect thing to happen, you have to make it happen. As soon as I realized this I realized how much time I had wasted just sitting around waiting for something to happen I was over it and a lot happier. Then as soon as the message I had been waiting so long for came, I realized that’s not what I wanted. I wanted my life to be mine again, not in the hands of someone who didn’t care. I didn’t want my emotions to depend upon someone else because that’s not okay.

I don’t know what they wanted when they texted me that day. Maybe it was friendly or maybe it was more, either way, I was friendly but went on my way because that’s not what I wanted. I love that I discovered a different kind of happiness due to him, but I don’t want a happiness that is reliant on someone else, I want one that’s based on my environment and how I’m feeling that day.

What I took away from all this time waiting for a dumb message was why am I so dependant upon this one person to make me happy or make me smile? When really whenever I heard from them I would get more upset because I never felt good enough. I would get stressed because, what did they want from me now? I spent time waiting for someone who didn’t care. I spent time looking for happiness in someone who broke me. I allowed my emotions to be controlled by someone who was hardly in my life and it really affected me.

Now I know that the only person you can count on to always be there is yourself. Everyone else is a temporary piece in your life, which is really sad to think about but no one else can be constant. You never know what’s going to happen so you can’t rely on others to make you happy or influence you in anyway, you only have yourself for that.

It’s great to have friends and build relationships with people but those aren’t the people who see you every day. I’m sure there are people who you see everyday, but that changes. There are people I used to see at the beginning of the school year every day and now maybe I see them twice a week. Things change and things change quickly and you can’t assume that every person is a constant. I used to assume that every person that entered my life would be a constant and I still tend to do that, I just don’t depend on anyone to feel a certain way. It’s great to count on the long term and see someone as a permanent life friend but things do change and to put all of your happiness marbles in one jar is dangerous.

If you can’t be happy with yourself you can’t be happy with someone else. I wasn’t going to post this. I actually wrote most of it a few hours ago. I don’t want people to think that I was sad last year, I want people to understand that it was just a looming feeling that I felt like I couldn’t talk about without a thousand “I told you so’s” and “just move ons”. I’m over it now everyone so I thought I would just give my warnings without a thousand “are you okays” because I am. I’m at a place now where I’m happy enough with myself that if I really wanted to (but I don’t) I could be happy with someone else.  Just know that you come first and that you need to take care of yourself first and that if you can’t do that you probably aren’t ready to depend on someone else either.

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A Planner.

I’m a planner, and I’m pretty sure this drives just about everyone in my life a little bit nuts. I’m not a spontaneous kind of person, like sure a spontaneous trip to the mall cool, but I’m not good when I know something’s happening but there’s no plans for it. This is why I freak out about the future. Anyway, since I’m a planner something I plan on doing is having every person I love and cherish in my life forever. This is a mistake my friends.

While it might be nice to plan on having Jane from kindergarten at your wedding, yet she moved in the first grade and you haven’t seen her since, it’s pretty impractical that every person you have ever met in your life forever. I think this is particularly hard, well at least for me, when certain people have had such a large impact on your life. Now, no, I’m not one of those girls with a wedding board on Pinterest (feel free to follow me @mrmilligan13), but if I do get married, I expect all of my friends now to be there. Yet, a few months ago I wrote a letter to myself on the occasion if I ever do get married, and someone I mentioned in there is no longer a part of my life, and there are also a few more people now who mean a lot more to me.

I always count on having my friends there for me. I assume that when I’m 87 years old that one of my friends will be in my nursing home, assuming and hoping I didn’t out live them all. I assume and have the idea that once someone in my life is there, they’re going to stay there. I don’t know why I would ever count on anyone leaving. My planning mind plans for these people to always be there no matter what the situation that those I love and care for will always be there for me. I don’t know why I would think anything else.

I think that if the day comes and I either birth a child (probably not) or adopt (a lot more likely) that I’ll call Lindsay and tell her about the funny stuff it says or that I’ll share the gross vomit story with Zoe. I don’t expect that people are going to leave my life and unless something they do or say hurts me or someone else I care about I won’t leave theirs either.

This accounts for disappointment sometimes, especially when you count on someone being there for you and they aren’t. When I lose a friend I obviously take it very personally. Contrary to what people may think of me, it takes a lot in me to cut someone out of my life, no matter how good it is for my mental well being. It takes a lot for me to just give up on someone. It takes a lot in me to just not care anymore. It obviously takes a lot just to walk out of someone’s life when you’re counting on them being there for every event to come. Yet, it is nice to think that in the coming years my true friends will emerge, if not already, the high school drama that’s carried into college will hopefully fade, and friends will just be friends not pieces of a board game.

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The Wrong Attitude.

My goal this week was to be more positive and friendly. I think I’m doing okay on the friendly part, not so much the positive part. I’m still super angry about Sam Pepper and then his par 3/3 part today which was super annoying so I made a video about it, which you can click on here. I’m also very anxious and there’s just a lot going on my head and I think it’s preventing me from being positive.

There’s a lot going around me and it’s bringing me down, however I’m not in a position where I can just cut this all out of my life. I want to be more positive, yet when I have panic attacks in the middle of the night, how can I be? It’s frustrating and annoying to me. I have the wrong attitude.

I need to strive to be more positive, no matter what the situation is because I need to learn that I can’t control the world and people around me. I have to take care of myself and make myself happy. I need to strive to surround myself with a positive vibe and spread that rather than negativity. I need to force myself to find the happiness in things because life doesn’t actually suck.

If I would change my attitude and be more positive I hope that that can change someone else’s attitude too. I want to challenge myself to be more of a positive influence on the lives around me, as well as on myself. I also want to challenge myself to be a better blogger because right now, pardon my language, but this blog is a piece of shit and that needs to change. Working on it, promise.

Leave me your favorite quotes for positivity in the comments and feel free to check out my video response/reaction to Sam Pepper after the new developments today. Don’t forget to smile!

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A Missed Opportunity.

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If you’re anything like me you might be afraid of missing an opportunity, any opportunity, every opportunity, just because of one decision you make. I’m always wondering what would my life be like if I would have done something differently.

I’ve been watching a lot of short films lately, it’s my new thing. In a lot of the romantic films someone missed a chance, but a lot of other took a chance. I think we need to do more of that, take more chances. If we took more chances we wouldn’t have so many regrets and I think that’s really important. Does anyone actually like to have regrets? Of course not, can we help it? Only sometimes. We shouldn’t be afraid to take a risk or two.

We focus on what can go wrong, not on anything that can go right. We mess up once and it prevents us from taking chances. You fight with a friend so you make less friends. You get annoyed and every person annoys you that day, you take it out on someone and then have the potential to lose that person. We let the negativity get to us and focus on all things bad, I know we do because I do it too.

If we were more positive and took more risks I think we would be a happier people. We would look at each other and see the good instead of seeing the time that a person hurt us, yet we live in this place where everyone has trust issues. You can’t trust a friend because they lied. You can’t buy something off of eBay because someone scammed you out $20. You can’t walk down the street without a can of pepper spray because of what you see on the news. We lived in a messed up world where risks hurt us so we don’t take them. Where once something bad happens we can never do it again. We are so afraid of risks and trusting people because someone screwed us over. That’s not fair.

Starting today, I’m going to take more chances, trust more people, and make the change to be a happier person. Why do we like to sit in our own sorrow and misery? Maybe it’s comforting, maybe it’s familiar and we think everyone does it. I’m stopping, making a change to be positive. I’m going to live for the now and to be happier and bring happiness to other people.

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Things That Make Me Happy.

I while ago I did my favorite things or something along those lines, and if I was a good blogger I would put a link in, but I’m not, so I’m not going to. Anyway, I did it back when I first started so I’m just going to do an updated one because I want to and it would make me happy.

  1. Coffee
  2. Polaroid photos
  3. Freshly shaven legs (even though I don’t like the act of shaving)
  4. Crunchy leaves
  5. Warm clothes and sheets
  6. The sound of rain
  7. Sunsets over fields
  8. Being with friends
  9. Seeing family
  10. Laughing
  11. Crafting
  12. Dunkin Donuts
  13. French fries
  14. Happy songs
  15. Clean towels
  16. The idea of the beach
  17. City noises
  18. The idea of falling in love
  19. Traveling
  20. Peanut butter and dark chocolate

Here are twenty things that make me happy, let me know what makes you happy in the comments. Brownie points to anyone who ventures through nearly 300 posts to find the old one. Maybe brownie points can be a thing and those with the most will eventually get something, we’ll see.

XOXO,

Mary.