Eric requested that this be the title of my last blog post in Ireland, while this isn’t the last blog post about Ireland it’s the last one while I’m here. Again, I messed up flight times, so I’m at the airport with some time to kill and I thought that this was fitting.
I’m not sure I quite understand this. I told him last night on FaceTime that I don’t know of any times where I haven’t felt like myself. It is an interesting question though, I know I’m walking away from something great and now part of me will always have a special spot for Ireland, but I wouldn’t say that I don’t feel like myself.
This morning so far has been interesting. I tried to change my flight for earlier but alas no luck so I will be lucky if I’m back home in Pennsylvania by midnight. My prayers were answered and my bag was not overweight, just very full. It was not until I was already at the airport that I realized my flight didn’t leave until over an hour later than what I thought. I don’t know what I read that made me think it was at 11:30, I swear when I checked yesterday it was but I would have gotten an email if it changed and I did not get an email. When I was going through security I bumped my laptop of the counter, and the corner broke. Thank goodness it still works because everything I love is on this thing.
I’m very ready to go home, but saying goodbye to people was sad, I don’t know why I thought it would be easy. Now I have friends all over the US now so that’s really nice because there’s about 10 or so states that I can visit people in during my more domestic travels. I’m excited to eat my favorite snack and bake and see everyone I love for the holidays. I start work again on Monday, I don’t know my schedule yet, but it will be interesting that’s for sure.
I’m so glad and blessed that I got this experience. I’m sad to be leaving, but I also can’t wait to come back someday with my own family eventually. So this is just an extra post with a last slán (goodbye) from Ireland. Maybe I don’t quite feel like myself today, maybe just a little off.
Currently, I should be packing, but I’m not. Tomorrow I’m making the trudge back to Maryland, I only say trudge because I packed way too much to come home and I need to bring it all back with me with some of the stuff I got for Christmas. Not the point though.
It’s interesting how life goes living between two places. I spend more time at school than I do at home and yet I try to keep my life at school much more minimalistic simply because I don’t have the room that I have at home for all of my stuff. So every time I go between it’s “If I bring x back with me I can bring y and maybe z can go with me,” and trying to make sure that I have the essentials.
Like I always say that I’m going home but every time I come home it’s different. The scenery changes the buildings get painted, things are built, signs are added and taken down and it just gives me a different vibe. Being at school and school becomes the new normal for me, not the back roads that I took to high school, I’ve been getting mixed up on roads that I used to know like the back of my hand and I’m figuring out which city road will take me away and which will take me back. I’ve learned the back roads of a city I never saw myself in and I’m starting to get from A to B without directions.
I’ve noticed that life is a lot different when you live in two places. There is more to life than living in one place and that’s something I’ve always thought. I never really liked the idea of being a stationary kind of person in my young adult years and now that’s how I live. I have two rooms and two lives almost. School and home hardly ever intersect. I talk to my friends that I met at school at home and my other friends and family at school but it’s not like they’re the same at all. It’s not like my friends from home come to school and my friends from school come home with me really, like it happens sometimes but not often.
The more I go back and forth I begin to notice how much my life has changed in the past year and a half. I used to believe that it was in a bad way but the more I get used to it the more I understand where I am in life and I get more and more comfortable with that. I feel like I’m on the right path to where I’m supposed to go and the living and the trudging back and forth between Maryland and Pennsylvania every month is so worth it.
I left school today, my package came! The drive home was fast and I didn’t stop at all, which is pretty impressive for me. I usually get really bored so I have to stop to pee and for some type of entertainment I get coffee or a snack. I went to the eye doctor, my prescription has changed so I ordered new glasses that will be revealed eventually. We also decorated the Christmas tree, ate good pizza, I took a bath, watched “The Santa Clause 3,” and I get to sleep in tomorrow. Today hasn’t been half bad. I really want to paint pottery tomorrow but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I have a whole month I suppose.
The concept of home gets kind of weird to me once I’m at school for a while. I mean I was just here three weeks ago and I walk in the door and things are different. I’m at school for about four months with the exception of a weekend or a few days here and there, then I’m home for a month, then I’m back at school for another fourish months and then home for three and halfish. I spend more time there then I do here and yet that’s still school and this is still home. It gets me kind of confused about what home is. Like right now is here in Lancaster, but in three years home could be somewhere completely different. I love Frederick, but I never say that’s home. When I go back to school I always say “I’m going back to school” not “Oh I’m going to my most of the time housing situation” I don’t know it’s weird to think about.
Home is also weird because I don’t spend all of my time here. I just don’t know friends. Where will home be in 10 years? Where will home be in 5 years? When does this house stop being home? Home is a weird concept. That’s essentially what I thought about the whole way home. Home. I don’t know I think I’m overly tired because I haven’t been sleeping so this probably doesn’t make any sense. Is everyone home now? How were finals?
One thing I try not to do on here is get too cheesy or cliche, but isn’t that what life is? One big cheesy cliche? In my opinion, yes that is exactly what life is like. I have recently started thinking about my future, but more in the sense of my personal life than career options. If you have been a reader for a while you may know my recent story about a bad guy who played me, if your new, find the post on it, I’m sure it’s mentioned in many, anyway because of that for a while I have been turned off to any idea of a relationship because of fear. Before him I was too tied up in a guy friend that used me to find any sort of relationship, and before that I had a bad boyfriend, and before that I had a good one who broke up with me. Literally my first, very pathetic, but first relationship was the only good and functional relationship I have been in. Anyway, that’s not the point, but because of my bad experiences I was always afraid of opening myself up to new people and letting other people in again. It’s really scary to do, for me it’s even scarier knowing that people out there who are basically strangers to me now, know so much about my life.
However, I’m to the point now where I realize I’m getting older, heck I’m turning 20 this year, which is crazy, I remember turning ten and thinking twenty was so far away, now it’s going to be here in seven months. This makes me think about what exactly I’ll be doing twenty years from now, I can’t even imagine turning 40, but someday I will, and it makes me wonder what my life will be like. When my mom turned 40 her and my dad went on a cruise just the two of them, I was starting my sophomore year, Sarah was going into middle school, and Julia was going into the fourth grade. To me that’s so weird that in double my age I could have kids in three different schools. To also think that I could have kids at all is crazy. I’m pretty independent and self-sufficient, however I don’t know if I could be taking care of a child anytime soon, let alone be thinking about starting a family. But I also don’t want to be alone twenty years from now, I think I might want to have a family. It’s weird that the next relationship I get in could be the last, but then again that’s a possibility with any relationship. Sometimes I think I want the fairy tale, the happily ever after, but the I think, really? Spending the next 40 so years with someone, that’s insane! I don’t know if I can do it. This whole someday thing is scary no matter how you look at it, in terms of personal life, career, everything. I think you go into college thinking that it’ll all just come to you, that every doubt you ever had will be at ease. That’s not what it’s like at all, it just gets worse. For example, today I’m saying that I could see myself with a family in ten years, however, tomorrow I could say I never want kids, I want to be alone my whole life. Someday I’ll figure it out I guess.
So sorry this isn’t a post about school, and sorry it’s really late, I was getting really good at putting them up earlier. Has anyone else thought about this? Well and I guess some of my readers are older too, so to my older readers, when did you figure it out? When did you know if you wanted a family? When did you know what career path you wanted? I’m curious because my life is the definition of lost right now. Include your responses in the comments please! Thanks for reading!
So today I’m a little bit homesick, well not homesick I just kind of miss my family, so I thought today I would tell “my” version of the story of my family.
Okay so I’m just going to jump into this right away because it’s probably going to be super long and hopefully interesting. The story goes, my mom was 16 and got a job at a drug store where my dad had already worked, and they were showing her around and she saw my dad and thought he was cute. Other than that I don’t know much about their first date or anything. They dated through high school and college, they got married right after my mom graduated a semester early in January of 1991. I don’t know much of what happened in that time before they had me, but on September 19, 1994 I was born. A few things I remember from this time is my dad’s red car, locking myself in a room and not knowing how to leave, and being babysat by aunt who actually lived down the road from us for a little bit, but moved later on.
One amazing memory I have is being woken up on in the middle of the night to go to my neighbor’s house because my mom was in labor and I was about to have my first sister! On February 10, 1998 my sister Sarah was born, and a fun fact about her name, I got to pick it! To me this was so exciting because my best friends when I was younger were twins so I always wanted a sister. This started a whole spew of memories. She called me “Oh” for the longest time and no one knows why. It was nice to have someone to spend time with and have a friend no matter what, because no matter what she has to be my friend. We have so many great memories together and she’s one of my favorite people to this day to rant to because usually she just laughs at me. When I was 5 my family moved from the town where my high school was located to a small town, that’s actually called a village, about twenty minutes away. I have very vivid memories of threatening to run away because I didn’t want to leave my best friends, but moving was probably one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. Soon enough we wanted more friends though, she wanted a little sister and I wanted a little brother, she however got her wish.
On July 30, 2001 my youngest sister Julia was born, and a fun fact about her name is no one could really think about so we called her baby for at least a day. By this point in my life I was a whopping seven years old. Not much happened in this time, except Julia was sick a lot with ear infections, so when she was two she had her first surgery to get tubes in her ears. This meant that she wouldn’t be in pain anymore from the infections and it should stop them in the future, they were also supposed to fall out on their own within two years, but they didn’t. So when she was four (I think) she had to get another surgery to get them out. Sarah and I spent the week with my grandparents during this time, I think for a week. I know we did things like went to the zoo, beach, and Longwood Gardens, and poor Julia had to miss out. She had to get them in again when she was older, but I do not remember the age whatsoever.
One of the coolest things in my family was when I was in the sixth grade, Sarah was in third, and Julia was in kindergarten, so for one year we were all in the same school.
My family always did really cool vacations growing up too. In the fourth grade my dad’s whole family went to Disney World and stayed in a huge house together, that was really awesome, and then my family stayed longer at the Nick themed hotel which was also really cool. Then I think it was before I went into the fifth grade we did a huge road trip, we went to Niagara Falls, Graceland, Memphis, Cleveland, Washington DC and we visited our old neighbors who had moved to Tennessee which was really cool. Right before I went into the 8th grade we went to California and that was amazing. We did a whole road trip out there it was so cool and I think that’s where my love of the West Coast comes from. Then again in tenth grade my dad’s family did the same thing but over Thanksgiving break instead of during the summer. The last vacation which was in my year in review was when we went to Seattle, which was so cool and pretty and I already want to go back. Without all of these I wouldn’t be the person I am today and I definitely wouldn’t have a love and desire for travel like I do now and I will always be super grateful for these experiences because I know a lot of people don’t get them.
My parents have always been super supportive too, I remember joining the quiz bowl team freshman year and telling my parents, and the first thing they asked was if they could come to matches. They always wanted to be there and they always were. I cannot think of a time where my parents weren’t supportive of something I did, and I know that I’m super lucky because most parents aren’t like that. After my mom had Julia she decided to be a stay at home mom to hang out with us instead of having us go to babysitter or daycare, and I really appreciate that I have those memories of her picking me up at the bus stop, or being able to take me to school if I was running late.
I know this post is kinda rambley again but I wanted to try and include everything. To this day my family is my strongest support system, not only my sisters and parents, but my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I will always be thankful for how strong my family is when things get hard or bad I have people there for me and that’s amazing. So yeah I thought I could just share more about some of the biggest influences in my life with you guys because that’s obviously a huge part of my life.
Also I didn’t know where to put the pictures so here’s a little montage of my family at the end of this post. I would like to get you guys know how long I spent stalking family member facebook’s for these pictures, looking for a very specific one that took like twenty minutes to take and it is no where to be found, anyway captions with pictures too, yay!
Well this is my mom at my graduation. I don’t know what really to say about her other than she’s always there for me. If I ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to I know I can turn to her.This is my daddy, he is one of my favorite people all the time. We always hang out whenever I’m home and it’s some of my favorite time spent at home.This lovely couple is my Nonni and Poppers, who are my dad’s parents. My Nonni is just learning how to use Facebook and sends me the funniest messages, they can always make me smile when I’m having a bad day.I have no idea what I’m doing in this picture but you can obviously tell that I am not photogenic whatsoever. If I had to guess though it’s that my poppop is tickling my side because that’s the kind of thing he likes to do. He lives at the beach and I love to go visit him with my family or friends and talk to him, he collects stamps and play cards. He is a very funny man, but I don’t think most people would guess it.My grandmom would be that lady standing net to me in the pink. Sadly this is my most updated picture with her after my chorus concert in tenth grade. Not even a year later she lost her battle to cancer. To this day she is one of my biggest inspirations of strong women, and she has left a lasting impact on my life.This is my dad’s side of the family. The first lady on the left is my godmother, my Aunt Jen. She is one of the funniest ladies I know and I love talking to her. Next to her is my Uncle Matt, her husband, my most vivid memory of him is that he had an old car that he covered up and it took me forever to understand that older, classic cars are more valuable than new cars. They are the parents to my cousins Chris, Jonathan, and Chloe, Chris and Chloe you’ll see but Johnathan and I don’t seem to have any pictures together. Then we have my Nonni and Poppers, then my parents, then my Aunt Kathy who has the best laugh and I’m always jealous of her clothes. I wish I was small so I could borrow her clothes, she has the best dresses. She also loves to have her picture taken and she’s always laughing. Next to her is my Uncle Butch, he always sings me songs about my name until he’s driven me crazy, he loves music and goes to concerts a lot. Their kids are Sean and Aaron, Sean you’ll see in a later picture. And that’s my dad’s side of the family. My Aunt Jen and Uncle Butch are his siblings.This is my Uncle Matt, my godfather and my mom’s older brother (I don’t have any pictures with her younger one). He always tries to encourage me to do “bad” things or things that would upset my mom because he’s still her older brother and loves to tease her. I probably disappoint him with my lack of rebellions. He has two kids Nathan and Lizzie that I couldn’t find any pictures of me with.I know the picture is a little dark but these are my sisters, Sarah and Julia. Julia is on the left, athletic looking from field hockey. I think I drive her crazy when I’m home because I’m constantly attacking her with hugs or climbing into her twin sized bed with her until she whines at me to get out. Sarah is on the left with her stance that screams CHEERLEADER because that’s what she does and loves. Whenever I’m home I go into Sarah’s room at the end of the day to either catch up or rant and she just laughs at me. I’m so proud of the both of them growing up, I can’t believe Sarah is going to be 16 in less than a month!Next to Sarah is my cousin Sean who is super funny. He always has witty comments about everything and can make anyone laugh.Well we don’t have any semi-decent recent pictures so this is me and my cousin Chris from back when we were really little. We have gotten closer as we’ve grown up, and we do things like go out to eat together. This past summer we got to go to Ireland together with our grandparents and that was amazing.This is my youngest cousin Chloe. She is definitely the baby of the family and everyone gets sucked in by her charm, including myself. She is so cute and makes up the funniest stories. Whenever I need a little giggle I read what my aunt posts on Facebook about the cute little things she says.Now these two people you don’t recognize aren’t family by blood. They are my neighbors, Miss. Colleen and Sara. They are basically family though. They come to birthday dinners, graduations, and give advice like any other family member would.
This is my best friend ever, Hannah. She has been my best friend since I moved to the house I live in now. Our friendship is different in the sense that we don’t talk every day or even every week but we talk when we need to and it works, it’s like we never stopped. She is more like a sister to me than a best friend.
So yeah I share with you guys just about everything else in my life, so I thought I should share the most influential people in my life.
Blah I know it’s Monday and I told you guys that I would blog about my schedule but I don’t want to so it’s not happening. Today I wanted to blog about my decision to not transfer (as of now I will stay at the college I am already attending for four years). Well that was a quick post.
Just kidding! I just wanted to let you guys know about that, but I also wanted to just share for you my dream for the future or what I want I guess. I feel like this post is also going to be super rambley and not focused at all, but if you’ve learned anything from me by the past (nearly) hundred posts (yes it’s been established I don’t have a life), that’s how my mind is and I can’t help it. Well, anyway *dun dun dun duhhh* (let’s pretend that sounded like Beethoven’s Nineth Syphony, okay?), THE FUTURE!
I may not know where this is yet, but as soon as I’m there I’ll know.
Okay so I don’t know if I’ve ever expressed this with you guys or not, but my dream is to help people, blog, and live with my friends. Now my mom and dad are probably reading this thinking “Why is she going to such an expensive school then? She needs to make money when she graduates to make it worth it.” Well mom and dad, I don’t know what to tell you because I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’m constantly battling what majors and minors I want to have, because I’m so indecisive there will be no way I’m only going to have one. Anyway, I’m super lost at college and for any of you in college I hope that I’m not the only that feels that way.
So anywho I’m definitely not going on any sort of track today, this is far more scatterbrained that any of my other posts in a long time I feel like, sorry everyone. Anyway basically I’m writing this post saying I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and even though that’s scary, I can’t wait to find out where I’m going to go. My friends and I talk about it a lot, we really want to move in together after we graduate and everything, which could mean for me living anywhere in the country. Katie wants to live in California, which I wouldn’t mind at all, and Lindsay believes she’s going to end up in Boston, another place I wouldn’t mind, except winter. However, I do plan on graduating a semester early, which would be before both of them, and then I’m not exactly sure what I would do, maybe go to India or something. Right now I just kind of want to see what I can find to like “work from home” and the world could be my home. I wouldn’t have to be a permanent resident of anywhere and I like the idea of that. I wish I was really really good at something so I would just know, I feel like that’s how it works for a lot of people, however I am mediocre at many things which doesn’t really help.
What I’m trying to say is I’m figuring it all out and that I think that it’s probably okay. Now just because I said it’ll work out, doesn’t mean I won’t have to try, I mean obviously I have to search for jobs that are strictly from home and that I can travel with, and how things like taxes would work for a job like that. I also have other things to do before all of that but it’s something that’s been on my mind a lot recently, and even the idea of taking more aptitude test, which are hard to find, has been on my mind. I don’t really know what I’m doing so this is really just all an adventure. I really hope I stumble upon some opportunities or situations where one thing leads to another, but if that doesn’t happen I’m confident I’m going to figure it out. I promise that I’m going to make something out of my life, doing good, and doing something I like.
Okay so that’s that I guess, a very odd, rambley post for this Monday night. Also I still need to re-find my calendar and if I don’t have trivia again by tomorrow I’ll do something crazy (I don’t know what, but I will). Okay so thanks again for reading pals!
So I’ve been home for about a week now, and I can’t say I miss college one bit, however I can’t say I want to be home either. I am currently sitting on my bed watching Netflix (nothing new there) but I’m supposed to be cleaning my room, which is annoying because in three week it all has to get packed up again. Anyway, being home is so different when it’s for an extended amount of time rather than a weekend or even a long weekend. I’m not used to not being able to just leave and not tell anyone where I’m going or what I’m doing, it’s just different. I feel like sometimes even my friends are different, but I’m not sure maybe I’ve changed or maybe they have but I feel like sometimes I’m out of the loop when I hang out with them. I don’t think they try it, it’s just something that seems to happen and that’s really different. Work is the same, I hate everyone that comes through and approximately half of my coworkers. I’m so tired of feeling like there’s no place in the world for me, I feel like I will always be that outsider looking in. I don’t belong at college (or at least the one I go to) I don’t belong at home, I don’t belong at my job, and I don’t belong in my group of friends half the time, no matter what I do I feel like I don’t belong. It’s like I never left high school. A year ago if you told me that I’d feel this shitty at a time where I’m supposed to be finding out who I am and having the time of my life, I would’ve thought you were crazy. I always thought things would get better when it came time for college, but it doesn’t seem like it. What do I have to look forward to next? Retirement? That’s so far away and it’s wishing away my whole life too. I keep hoping, wishing, praying, that things are going to get better, but how long do I have to do that for? I’ve already done that for so long. But one of these days things will pick up I’m sure, it won’t be bad forever, right?Maybe 2014 will be my year, I can only hope. So here’s to a better year with lots good memories, friends back to normal and a place where I belong. So I guess this is a kind of short, but deepish post, anywho thanks for reading!
Well as you guys may know by now, I love Christmas. Since the holiday is right around the corner, I thought I would list my favorite things about Christmas.
Christmas Eve Mass: I love watching them put baby Jesus in the manger and just the festive spirit of the whole thing.
Christmas lights: It’s so much fun driving around trying to find different Christmas lights in different developments and seeing all the different displays.
Decorating the tree: This is such a huge tradition in my house, I even made my family wait until I got home to decorate it/
Finding the perfect present for everyone: I just love to make everyone happy, there is nothing that makes me happier than seeing someone’s face light up when you buy them the perfect present.
Spending time with family: I don’t really get to hang out with my family that often but when I do it’s so much fun, I love my cousins and my aunts, they’re just fun people and I love to spend time with them.
The general spirit: I just feel like everyone is happier during Christmas, even back at school professors were nicer, at work the customers are friendlier, I think people are just happy this time of year. Well, maybe they just try to be nicer because Sata is watching.
Well this was a rather short quick post but it’s just a little more on Christmas in my life and how much I just love it. Anywho I’m headed to bed and watching YouTube videos and relaxing before a busy day again tomorrow. Thanks for reading!
At 12:58 pm today I turned in my last final of the semester, and by 3:15 this afternoon I was pullin up my drive way. I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am to be home for the month. This is probably the first time since elementary school that I actually have no homework or projects or papers due the day I’m back, ah the beauty of college. Right now my best friends are over and it’s just nice to be back together and spending time together (even if we are on our computers) the best thing about us is the fact that we can spend all of our time together without actually doing anything or even talking sometimes.
Anywho, I couldn’t be happier to be home. I so far have a very busy schedule. Tomorrow my friends and I are going into the city (which we never actually do) and then I have to go to church because I work Sunday morning. After that I have a family party and then I’m probably going to try and see my best friend and then I have to work Monday afternoon and then it’s CHRISTMAS EVE! It’s just a crazy time of the year but I love it.
Anyway that’s a little update on what’s going on the next few days, but hopefully I can keep up to date on blogging, but I’m not making any promises. Thanks for reading!
This week is just dragging on. I have finals until Friday, I swear that I will be the last home out of all my friends. I have only taken two finals, I still have more. It feels so much later in the week than Wednesday. I cannot express how badly I just want to be home for a month. I feel really bad, my family hasn’t even decorated the tree yet because they’re waiting for me and I’m like one of the last people home from my college too! I know I have a shit ton to do here before I go too, I’m just unmotivated. I need to clean, pack, study more, and most importantly stop messing around with my blog!
It’s super insane this week, finals just wear me out and I don’t want to do anything afterwards, so I haven’t done anything yet, which is really dumb. Well sorry for the super short super boring post, but I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be with my friends.
Sorry I complained so much this time. I’m just done, beyond done with this semester. Well that’s it, maybe there will be something else later? I’m not sure… I’m very “whatever” feeling today.
XOXO
Mary
P.S I uploaded a funny Harry Potter video to YouTube Channel last night feel free to check that out too!
