What I Want…

What? It’s Sunday and I’m not doing an update? No. I don’t feel like it, sorry if that’s disappointing to you. However, the plan was to do what I feel like doing, and that’s not an update today. First I was going to another post on anxiety, but I think I’ll leave that for later th yis week. I might also do another update later in the week, or maybe I’ll just double up next week, we shall see. Actually I will probably definitely do an update tomorrow or Tuesday just because spring break and it was way more eventful than a normal week. Look at me making decisions whilst writing (also I’m waiting for news so hopefully I can share good or bad news).

As a teenager of the 21st century there are obviously materialistic things that I want, but there are also mind things and life things and you know, just things too. I’ve compiled a list of things that I want so much they deserve writing about, well at least in my opinion. I guess I’ll write why so I don’t seem shallow. To be honest, I don’t really care if you think I’m shallow though because I know I’m not. However, that’s a post for another day (*scribbles idea in notebook*).

The first thing I want is materialistic, I don’t care what you think. I really want a really good camera, which I have a camera and an iPhone and the pictures are about the same quality on both. Typically I just use my phone, however, I really want like one of those big Nikons or Cannons. Sadly I don’t have the money for this and I just get to look at them on Amazon and hope that one day a thousand dollars will just land gracefully in my lap. I would like one of these for when I travel I can take awesome pictures and put them up here so that people are like “oh wow Mary’s so awesome and creative” and then I snicker because I clicked a button.

The second thing I want is to just know what I’m doing with my life.  I know I’m only 19 years old and “I’m not supposed to know” but I don’t like the unknown, so I’m convinced that one day I’m just going to have some sort of vision, or that I’ll just fall into something and everything will work itself out. I just hope that this actually happens and when it does sooner rather than later. I would like to know this that way I know what to major in, or I can start something now rather than later. Like if I’m supposed to be a professional unicycler I would like to start that now rather than later since I don’t know how to do that. Question: should I try unicycling?

Let’s go materialistic again, I want a polaroid camera. Okay my family has one I just need to find it and buy film for it. I guess I want the will to do both of those things because I’m awfully lazy. But they take really cool pictures and I think I would look awesome hanging around my dorm room so I think I’ll actually find and use this for the summer.

I want to know whether or not I’m getting married. This way I can start planning my life around that whole hassle. Like I don’t know if I want to or not which leads me to be like do I want to date or what? Yeah I don’t know what’s really happening in my mind.

I want to be happy. I’m not saying that I’m sad or depressed, but it’s something I want. Right now I’m like neutral, does that make sense? Like I just want to wake up in the morning and be happy with where I am in life instead of just blah. I’m tired of just going through the motions of life. I would rather not spend time crying and feeling anxious about stupid little things. I would rather not get annoyed about most things or people that I encounter through my day. I wish I was just a happier person in general because I feel like that might help the people around me be happier too.

I want to be in college. I know you guys are probably thinking “but aren’t you in college Mary?” well the answer to that question is, yes I am in college, but I want to be here and I don’t. Does that make sense? I’m here but I don’t want to be. It’s weird going back and forth between home and here because really, I don’t what to be at either one. And that’s not meant to be offensive to my family or friends back at home at all, I needed to get out of Lancaster county, I really wasn’t happy there, but again I’m not happy here. I know this is stupid but I just want to be here. I wish I wanted to be here it would make my life a lot easier if I did, I’m sure my will to work would be a lot higher. I also don’t want to be that person who drops out and end up in Lancaster their whole life at their menial job. For me right now it’s a lose lose situation and I hate that. It might even be the fact that I don’t have a plan and I like to have a plan, I’m not sure.

I want a new job. I love my coworkers and I love how much I make at my job right now (well I could make a little more) but I want something new. I’ve been there for nearly three years and I’m tired of it. It’s the same thing every time I’m home and every time I work at the same concept. I need a change. I think I can do better to be honest too. I need to sign up for like care.com and I’m not sure, other places that want to give me jobs.

I want to expand my blog and do more exciting things rather than lists all the time and updates. I want to do more fashion stuff and hauls. I also want to do what my name says and have some more adventures. I think eventually I want to expand into YouTube (I stopped for some time now) and do daily vlogging but it isn’t really interesting when I’m in school.

I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to experience everything I possibly can. I’m only here for a short time and I don’t want to waste any of it. There’s so much to do and I want to do it all. I fear for missing out on something huge, I want to do it all. I know that’s kind of impossible but I’m going to try and do it.

I want to make blogvention work but I might have to expand it to 2016 when I have more money and ideas. It’s going to take a lot of time and I have to do a lot of it by myself so even if I find a partner by early 2015 it’s still going to take time to plan and work out. Ya know? But it would be an awesome thing to do and I really want to do it and meet other bloggers as well as people who like to read blogs. So yeah if you want to help, let me know!

Finally I want all of you to be happy. I found this and I actually thought of my readers.

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But when I actually read this I want to collect bracelets everywhere I go, and I kinda did that but I actually want to purchase better quality ones so they don’t break. Anyway, I want you guys to be happy. I want you to be able to follow your dreams and do whatever you want to do. Don’t be afraid to take a risk. Be who you want to be.

 Yeah so that’s it for today and I guess I have to get back to doing my homework. It’s supposed to snow tonight/tomorrow so let’s hope for a snowday for a work day! Yeah!  Okay time to stop procrastinating. Thanks for reading!

XOXO,

Mary.

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Rolling on the Floor.

So yeah my schedule thing I made has not been working out lately, or my plan for that matter but that’s why I never committed to it 100% because I figured that might happen. Well anyway today/this week has just been one of those ones where all I want to do is roll around on the floor and whine because of life. My sleep schedule has been way off, and I’m just tired of everything and everyone. Like I don’t really know what to write about tonight so I’m just kind of going with the flow of whatever my fingers decided to type up. I want to go to bed already and it’s not even 10 yet, man. I think I’m just going to write a list of my thoughts because there’s far too many.

  1. I ate way too much chocolate this week.
  2. I really want blogger friends.
  3. I want to go on a run tomorrow.
  4. Will I actually go on a run tomorrow?
  5. I really need to finish that bio lab.
  6. Can I go to bed yet?
  7. Do I have to answer my text messages?
  8. How do I tell that girl that we would be really good friend without sounding creeping?
  9. How do I tell that boy I think he’s cute?
  10. That boy is really cute.
  11. Break up with her, you deserve better.
  12. I can’t believe Walmart didn’t have single tape refills.
  13. I can’t believe I forgot what I’ve been meaning to get every time I leave and I forget again. Oh bobby pins and clear hair ties.
  14. I really don’t want to go to that seminar on Saturday.
  15. I’m still really confused about the drama in and between two of my favorite fandoms.
  16. Oh God I can’t believe I just admitted I’m part of fandoms on the internet.
  17. I really want some fruit snacks.
  18. I can’t believe it’s only 9.
  19. What am I doing with my life.
  20. I need to stop snacking.
  21. I really need to pee.
  22. Why am I watching this video?
  23. It’s dumb.
  24. I need to blow up my flamingo again.
  25. I need to fill up my water bottle again.
  26. What am I supposed to wear tomorrow?
  27. Not real clothes that’s for sure.
  28. Why has my hall been so quiet today?
  29. I want to see Harry Potter again.
  30. I really wanted to read that book before I went to bed.
  31. Thank God I only had one panic attack today.
  32. Is it time for bed yet?
  33. How do you ask someone to be your penpal?
  34. HEY I WANT YOU TO BE MY PENPAL.
  35. I need to return those pants.
  36. Yeah that’s not how I thought they would look.
  37. I wonder how long this new layout will stay around.
  38. I need to peeeeee.
  39. Should I paint my nails or am I too lazy?
  40. Probably too lazy.
  41. Am I going to do my hair tomorrow?
  42. Probably not.
  43. Will Connor Franta ever notice me?
  44. Will Joe Sugg ever notice me?
  45. What is my hair doing?
  46. Seriously though, you can do better.
  47. Should I start posting poetry?
  48. Seriously need a haircut.
  49. I need to wash my sheets.
  50. I really want to go to Sheetz.
  51. I wish I could get verified on twitter.
  52. Still need to pee.
  53. Connor Franta though.
  54. Am I starting to like Connor more than Joe?
  55. What is life?
  56. Nope. Joe’s abs still win, sorry Connor.
  57. You’re a kid, stop rushing it.
  58. Welp, deep breaths.
  59. I have so many split end.
  60. That bio though.
  61. Is this making me seem shallow?
  62. Is there some sort of wolf outside?
  63. Nah it’s probably just a dumb ass already trashed from Thirsty Thursday.
  64. My back hurts.  A lot.
  65. I want to be supreme ruler of the world.
  66. I wonder if anyone is going to read all of these.
  67. Should I be done yet?
  68. I’m way too awkward for life.
  69. Why do people read my stuff?
  70. Should I have kept this a secret?
  71. Oh man I hope it’s over for you.
  72. That makes me a terrible person I’m sure.
  73. I want to live somewhere really cool.
  74. Can I go to bed yet?
  75. I need to get in shape.
  76. I need to find a new job.
  77. I miss Katie.
  78. I miss Lindsay.
  79. I miss Hannah.
  80. Thank goodness I’m seeing my family this weekend.
  81. Can I graduate yet? Seriously though.
  82. I have way too much on my mind.
  83. I need to find online classes for the summer.
  84. I want coffee.
  85. What color should I dye my hair next?
  86. Is tomorrow going to be another hermit day?
  87. I think my days are better spent alone, I’m happier that way.
  88. Where am I going to live next year?
  89. Who am I going to live with next year?
  90. I did really bad on that Model UN paper, I’m supposed to be good at that.
  91. Can I figure out how to be a professional blogger?
  92. Probably not.
  93. I need to shave.
  94. I want a relationship like Zalfie. That’s all I want.
  95. I have too many thoughts.
  96. Why do people read this nonsense?
  97. I wonder if influenster kicked me out of the voxbox I was supposed to get, I might cry if they did.
  98. I really need to clean my room.
  99. How do people look nice everyday? Will I have to do this someday?
  100. I need someone to entertain me.
  101. One hundred thoughts is probably too many.

Okay so there are my thoughts today. Sorry that it’s not a rant but I wasn’t feeling it, I don’t know my mind today. I’m beyond tired, incase you couldn’t tell. Don’t know why this is called rolling on the floor, my fingers just typed that up and seemed to like it.  So if you think you can answer any of these questions, PLEASE DO! Seriously they all need to be answered, so do it please, please, please. Thanks!

XOXO

Mary