Majoring in “I Don’t Know What to Do”

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how I don’t have a thing. There’s never been one thing that I’m really good at and just sticks with me. I haven’t found what a lot of people would call, their calling with what to do with the rest of their life. Here I am, obsessed with social media, but that’s not a calling, it’s just an interest. I’m not exceptionally good at social media by any means. Just above 200 followers on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr, that’s not excelling, that’s about average, slightly more on Instagram, slightly less on Tumblr. Here I have the most, around the mid 400s but this hasn’t changed in nearly a year. I’m becoming stagnant.

I think in life I’ve always just wanted to have a “thing” something that I’m just really good at. I know that everyone doesn’t have a thing, I just wish that I did. I’m a Communication Arts major which means it’s something I would say is questioned more often than a lot of majors. I never ask a bio major why they’re a bio major, I just assume that they’ll do research or go to med school. And maybe because I don’t ask, I’m just assuming that they aren’t asked why they’re a bio major, but I’m constantly asked why I’m a communications major. I have a feeling it’s because no 5-year-old girl says that she wants to run IHOP’s Twitter.

When it comes to my answer, it’s often times not acceptable for people. I usually say, well I don’t want to teach, and I only want to learn about post Civil War, so I can’t be a history major.  There’s just nothing that’s ever really stuck out to me, communications has offered the most options for me. For a while I was headed towards political science, however, I just find it so exhausting to argue. There’s just always been something wrong with everything else, so what it comes down to, is I’m a communications major because I don’t know what else to do.

I once told the career center that, they were not pleased. They suggested I change my major, which pushed me to never want to talk to them again about anything. I’m majoring in “I don’t know what to do” is that okay?

I know I go back and forth on topics like this all the time. It’s just that recently I think I’m seeing more and more people fall into their place in life and I just seem to not be able to find that spot for myself. Like yes, I’m excited that I’ll be able to get a job essentially anywhere after college, I just keep questioning if it’s something I want to be doing. I guess  it is since I can’t picture myself doing anything else.

I just feel like I’m in a worldly limbo of almost being finished with my major, but not quite ready to face the world with the choices I’ve made. I still have a year until graduation but I feel like I need more time.

I don’t know. I just needed to get these thoughts out. In a week I’m sure I’ll be back to being thrilled with my choice to be a Communication Arts major, however, today I just wish I had more options. I just don’t know what I would want those options to be.

Anyone else feel the same way? Please tell me I’m not alone.

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My Life, Just Mine.

I knowingly put a lot of information about my life on the internet, personal details that most people would be less willing to share, however this does not mean that I am subjecting myself to pointless questions and being told what to do via people I know in real life simply because of what they would do in my shoes. Sure, sometimes I ask for advice, but when I don’t, I don’t need the comments like “well why wouldn’t you do *insert something I don’t want to do*” “If you do that then you have to do this” or my favorite “I just don’t  understand why you can’t/won’t do *something I can’t or won’t do*”. I am very well aware that people have their opinions but I don’t know why they need to be shared if I’m not asking and it doesn’t affect you.

My choice not to drink has seemed to bother people in the past, which I don’t understand. The fact that I don’t see the need to not remember my night for some reason really gets to people as if me getting drunk provides some sort of good deed to them. The pressure that friends have put on me in the past has only further hindered any desire I’ve had to drink underage, or ever for that matter. I don’t understand how this is anyone’s business but my own, however everyone likes to put in their two cents on the matter anyway.

Again, I willingly put mostly every detail about my personal life on the internet for all to see, I mean for some odd reason over 300 people have decided to follow this blog and anywhere from 40-100 people read it a day which gives a lot of people a lot of information about my life and that really doesn’t bother me. However, unless I am asking directly for advice or what I should do in a situation I don’t know why people give so much input on my life, does this happen to everyone or just me?

I hear this happens a lot as you get older, especially when you’re pregnant/parenting/having kids while I don’t expect that to happen for a while I cannot believe how many people, strangers that I just randomly meet, even have input on my life decisions. Last year during my first week of classes a guy asked me my major and I said “Communications and maybe political science or something like that, I really like his—” before I could even finish my sentence out of his mouth came “Why would you want to do anything like that? The best majors are the sciences and math, I’m Computer Science, you should really look into it, it’s so great!” He went on and on about how great his major was before I could even finish the question he asked and I had just met him that day! It’s my life, I didn’t know him, and I don’t know how my decision to go into the humanities affects him so much that he had to go on a rant about how great his major was. Just because he was happy and content with his field of study it doesn’t mean that’s how I would feel there, especially with what I started telling him this. It happened again recently when a friend had to go to the hospital and the man taking her blood was asking about our majors since the hospital is right next to the school, and he said “Communications?! What on earth can you do with that?” and I don’t know how to respond to questions that I get like this (all the time, usually not from complete strangers) because I don’t know what exactly I want to do. However, why does it matter to him what I’m going to do with my degree? It doesn’t affect him whether I go onto great things at a newspaper or God forbid I end up at Starbucks, it doesn’t change his life at all.

What I’m trying to get across here, is unless someone asks for your opinion or advice there’s really no point in giving it. If I’m answering your question, why tell me how wrong I am? What’s the point? I can do my life and you can do yours and we can live in harmony, but my choice to not do drugs, not have sex until I’m married, to be a communications major, and doing my life the way I want to, doesn’t affect anyone else but me and the people it directly relates to and the unneeded commentary about my personal decisions can stop at anytime please and thank you.

Does anyone else have this problem or just me?

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The Always Looming Future.

I would say since I left for college the future has not stopped looming over my head. The question of what am I doing with myself and my life is the forever question it seems. I go to class and do my work but I’m not passionate about it, I don’t know if I’m not a passionate person or if I just haven’t found anything to be passionate about yet. I’m so jealous of people who find something they love and want to spend the next 50 odd years doing.

I think about the traditional way of life, go to college, meet someone, get a job, get married (sometimes those two are reversed), work, have kids (falls in other places too), work some more, divorce maybe, maybe even remarry, maybe have some more kids, kids grow up, you retire, have grandkids then after hopefully a good 20 years of retirement you die. I hate that. I hate the traditional.

I want to graduate college and help people but if I have an internship at the end of college- which is the goal, I would hope that they would maybe give me a job or I would have to find a job in a field that I like which illiminates my ability to travel and help people right after college. I think once you get that job though you get stuck in a rut of work and life starts faster than you can blink and that’s what really scares me. I’m afraid that I’m going to blink and I’m going to be 50 in a cubicle with a kid in college and a husband and another kid at home. I would say this is easily my second biggest fear, the rut of life.

I think there’s about 20 blog posts of me this year just stressing out about the future. What I’m going to do, what it holds, what is going to happen with me as a whole and as a person and how people are going to affect me in the long run, where I’m going to be in five years. All of it is very overwhelming to think about. I tend to write it all here to get all of these thoughts out of my head because they more they stay in my head the more they drive me crazy. I hate not having a plan, I really hate the unknown. I hate that I don’t know if my glasses might not be in the store tomorrow, so the fact that I don’t know what I’ll be doing 10 years from now pains me.

I keep thinking that one day I’m going to wake up and I’m just going to know what I’m doing with my life and something is just going to fall into my lap and that will be it. I’ll just know what I’m doing, yet that’s not how life works, I feel like you either have an idea or you don’t, I have ideas they just aren’t practical.

I don’t know friends. These are the thoughts that haunt me.

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College, The Debate

So I’ve been at college now for a little over six months, that however does not make me any sort of expert, but I have realized certain things not only about myself but the institution as a whole. Once upon a time I strongly believed that you could not be successful without a college degree unless you wanted to be in some sort of spotlight. This is not true, there are plenty of professions that you can advance in without a college degree, one I recently found out about is banking. There are also many managerial positions in a variety of fields that one can climb the chain of command to obtain. There are paths to successful lives without a college degree.

For me I always looked forward to high school graduation to go to college. It wasn’t until about half way through my senior year that I considered differing a year and taking a gap year. This is actually only one of my best friends Katie knows, so surprise mom and dad, I thought about taking a gap year. Anyway, I obviously didn’t do that, mostly because I was afraid that I would never go back and end up stuck at a dead end job the rest of my life. I believe, no matter how hard it is sometimes, that I did make the right decision to go to college, but really it’s not for everyone. I remember going through the college search and everyone asking me “Can you see yourself there in two years?” and my answer was always no to that specific college, however I still saw myself in college. So I went (came?) and I’m still here.

To be honest, I really don’t think college is for everyone. Obviously if one of my sisters told me they didn’t want to college I would worry for their futures, mostly because I would like to mooch off of them one day (that’s joke), however I would support them. I think a lot of successful people are going to start emerging without college degrees soon. I mean, there are bundles of successful bloggers who are making money and a lot of them are still in college. What it all comes down to, is the question of whether or not you want to do it. It’s a personal thing. I believe that if you have the mindset and passion to do something you’ll do whatever it takes to get it, you’ll be able to reach your goal.

Okay so that’s it for today. I think one of my friends is going to help me with blogvention but I’m open to more! So let me know  if you are interested in helping and planning!

XOXO,

Mary.

99 Questions That No One Asks (With a Q&A)

As it is a Tuesday I found a tag that I’m interested in doing so I’m going to do that. I also did not get very many questions (just two) so I will also be answering those at the end.
99 Questions That No One Asks
  1. Do you sleep with the closet open or closed? Always open, at school and at home, my closet is really never closed. Sorry mom.
  2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Oh yeah, especially if they smell good. I’ll take anything for free.
  3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Tucked out. I can’t do tucked in whatsoever.
  4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? No, that’s a felony.
  5. Do you like to use post-it notes? They’re okay, I mean I try and use them because I know they’re useful but I always forget.
  6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? If I cut them I’m going to use them, it’s just the chances of me cutting them are slim to none.
  7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Attacked by a bear, I hate bees so much.
  8. Do you have freckles? Some on my face, arms, and shoulders, not enough for anyone to notice without being very close or someone else pointing them out.
  9. Do you always smile for pictures?  Hardly, my friends and I don’t really take serious pictures so I only smile for pictures with my family or selfies. But sometimes for selfies I forget to smile and that’s why I don’t have very many.
  10. What is your biggest pet peeve? I have so many, in case you haven’t noticed, but my biggest would have to be people walking or driving slow in front of me and me being in a place where I am unable to pass them. This actually drives me insane.
  11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Yes, especially in cities or on walks around my development.
  12. Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes, I don’t want to talk about it.
  13. What about pooped in the woods? Umm no, that’s pretty gross, worse than peeing.
  14. Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?  Of course, you should know this if you watch my videos. Also I just dance around sometimes to make my friends feel uncomfortable at the store.
  15. Do you chew your pens and pencils? I do sometimes if I’m thinking really hard or I’m stressed out.
  16. How many people have you slept with this week? None, obviously.
  17. What size is your bed? At home it’s a full at school it’s a twin long.
  18. What is your song of the week? Counting Stars by One Republic, I fell in love with it over break.
  19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Boys can wear whatever they want to wear just like girls can wear whatever they want to wear, so stop determining whether or not it’s “okay” for people to do/wear/be something different LET’S JUST LET PEOPLE BE WHO THERE ARE QUESTIONS LIKE THESE MAKE ME SO ANGRY! IT IS NOT MY PLACE TO DETERMINE IF A BOY CAN WEAR PINK OR NOT IT IS HIS OWN PERSONAL OPINION, GOT IT?! Well now I’m all fired up.
  20. Do you still watch cartoons? No, they scare me. Well unless it’s like Beauty and the Beast.
  21. What’s your least favorite movie? I’m not sure, there are some really weird movies I’ve seen on Netflix that would probably classify as my least favorite.
  22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? I’m not going to tell you because then you would find it.
  23. What do you drink with dinner? Water.
  24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Buffalo sauce.
  25. What is your favorite food? Fries or chocolate.
  26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? The Harry Potter series and Abduction.
  27. Last person you kissed/kissed you? My parents on the cheek.
  28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes, I was a girl scout because I am a girl. 
  29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? No I respect myself too much, and I don’t have the body for it. Also if I were going to pose in a magazine I would want to dress as something cool, like a dragon.
  30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I wrote my friends Hannah and Lindsay letters before Thanksgiving.
  31. Can you change the oil on a car? I highly doubt it.
  32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? No. *knocks on wood*
  33. Ever ran out of gas? No. *knocks on wood again*
  34. Favorite kind of sandwich? Peanut butter and fluff.
  35. Best thing to eat for breakfast? Turkey sausage and an onion bagel, oh my mouth is watering at the very thought.
  36. What is your usual bedtime? Whenever I feel like sleeping so usually around 1 am.
  37. Are you lazy? Of course.
  38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? What didn’t I dress up as is the better question.
  39. What is your Chinese astrological sign? A dog. I had to look this up, I didn’t get it. What does that mean?
  40. How many languages can you speak? I speak English and then very little Spanish and Arabic.
  41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, to Seventeen.
  42. Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Legos, obviously.
  43. Are you stubborn? Yes, very. Don’t argue with me. Ever.
  44. Who is better…Leno or Letterman? I don’t even know who they are…
  45. Ever watch soap operas? No. Unless you consider Grey’s Anatomy or Degrassi soap operas because some people do.
  46. Are you afraid of heights? Sometimes, it really depends.
  47. Do you sing in the car? Of course, loudly and proudly.
  48. Do you sing in the shower? At home yes, at school no.
  49. Do you dance in the car? Yes, it’s probably dangerous.
  50. Ever used a gun? Do nerf guns count?
  51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Sunday with my extended family, not fun at all.
  52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yes, but I love them anyway.
  53. Is Christmas stressful?  Kind of, but I love it.
  54. Ever eat a pierogi? No I don’t think so.
  55. Favorite type of fruit pie? I don’t like fruit pies.
  56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Waitress, astronaut, spy, plus many many more.
  57. Do you believe in ghosts?  Not really.
  58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?  All the time and I hate it.
  59. Take a vitamin daily? No. That’s bad isn’t it?
  60. Wear slippers? Occasionally.
  61. Wear a bathrobe? Yeah at school all the time and at home when I am taking my time to get ready.
  62. What do you wear to bed? Just regular pajamas.
  63. First concert? Hilary Duff.
  64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target <3 I love it. Target=life.
  65. Nike or Adidas? Neither? I don’t like sneakers.
  66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos, yum!
  67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Both, but neither are my first choice in snacks.
  68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? No, never.
  69. Ever take dance lessons? Yes, but my dance teacher told me I wasn’t good so I quit. Even though it should’ve been his job to fix it, whatever.
  70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? If I have a future spouse I would like to imagine them making a lot of money so I don’t have to do anything. At least I’m honest.
  71. Can you curl your tongue? Yes.
  72. Ever won a spelling bee? I am rubbish at spelling.
  73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?  Yes, many a times.
  74. Own any record albums? No.
  75. Own a record player? No.
  76. Regularly burn incense? No, it gives me a MAJOR headache.
  77. Ever been in love? Nope, love is overrated.
  78. Who would you like to see in concert? One Direction, Marcus Butler (I hope someone gets this), Hilary Duff (again), Taylor Swift (again), a High School Musical reunion tour.
  79. What was the last concert you saw? Taylor Swift
  80. Hot tea or cold tea? GROSS, neither.
  81. Tea or coffee? Coffee. Lots of coffee.
  82. Sugar or snickerdoodles? Both please.
  83. Can you swim well? No, I have to hold my nose.
  84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Nope.
  85. Are you patient? HAHA not at all.
  86. DJ or band, at a wedding? I have no idea.
  87. Ever won a contest? Kind of. Like raffles and I got some awards in high school.
  88. Ever have plastic surgery?  Nooooooo. 
  89. Which are better black or green olives?  No olives please.
  90. Can you knit or crochet? I am a crocheting machine.
  91. Best room for a fireplace? I like outdoor fireplaces.
  92. Do you want to get married?  Probably not.
  93. If married, how long? Not married… So yeah… Awkward.
  94. Who was your HS crush? I’m supposed to pick one? Well you see I just put my blog on my Facebook for the first time and I’m very nervous admitting to this but let me just put one out here, Justin, he was my first boyfriend and he’s a cutie pie. Doubt he read this so there. I gave you one of them.
  95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Occasionally, usually I argue to get my way rather than throw a fit.
  96. Do you have kids? Nope.
  97. Do you want kids? Kinda but not really, like I want to have kids to do funny things and be obnoxious but I wouldn’t want to be with them when they’re annoying or bratty.
  98. Whats your favorite color? None. Don’t even ask me about this please.
  99. Do you miss anyone right now? Not really though.

Questions asked by readers!

  1. Asked by Not Lindsay on yesterday’s blog. “What’s it like having such a cool friend such as Lindsay?” It’s a struggle to be so lame in comparison. 
  2. Asked by Alex on Twitter. “What is your schedule going to be when you get back to school?” Well I actually had to look this up and I guess I’ll just give you guys my class schedule and when I plan on studying and stuff… So Mondays start at 11:30 with Arabic until 12:45 and then I have 2:00 I have Model UN until 3:15, so I’ll probably just get lunch to go in between the two classes and this is the same for Wednesdays, which will probably make these my major study/work days because Tuesdays and Thursdays are extremely busy. They start at 8:30 with Biology of Food and Nutrition Lecture until 9:45, then Environmental Science from 11:30 to 12:35 and then I’ll probably get lunch to go because I have sociology from 2-3:15 and then I might want a nap because it’s just an all over the place kind of schedule. Finally on Fridays I have Arabic from 11:30 to 12:15 but then I have the lab portion of my bio class from 2 to 4:50 which is going to be awful! And somewhere between this madness I will find time to go home to work, do homework, study, and maybe socialize occasionally. 

Anyway here’s some facts about me because of Tag Tuesday and next week might be a tag, it might be a serious post, it might not be anything special at all. If you have any more questions for or about me comment on any post because I typically answer every comment so yeah. I set up a bloglovin profile yesterday so I believe you can follow me on there too now.

XOXO
Mary
Answer
January 13: Binturong or Asian bearcat.
Queston
January 14:  What emergency use was made of coconut water by British and Japanese medics during World War II?
Don’t forget to guess in the comments!

“Do More of What Makes You Happy”

This is a very cheesy saying but I strongly believe that everyone should follow it. The summer before my senior year I made this my quote to live by. I’m not going to lie and said it made my life a bundle of roses and turned me into happy-go-lucky Mary, but my life definitely has improved. I had been surrounding myself with people that were bringing me down and holding me back, I wasn’t reaching my full potential. It was that summer that I had made friends that wanted to hang out with me, they never made funny, and I was a happier person around them. A lot of my old friends saw this as me choosing my new friends over them, which I probably was but I had to, I was just happier this way. I had to let the people go who were a detriment to my happiness. They were not letting me be happy, I was happy with my new friends, not because they were new but because they seemed to genuinely care about me. If I tweeted something they took noticed to see if I was okay, I didn’t have to ask for help, they offered. I was slowly becoming friends with people who were actually there for me and didn’t hold me back, and I began to see what real friends were, and that’s really when I started using this quote in my life more and more.
Many times breaking these old friendships was very hard. My best friend for the longest time was really more of a detriment to my happiness than anything. After my crush on him passed I realized that our friendship had been built around my feelings for him. I no longer found him cute or funny when he was making fun of me, rather I found it insulting. Since I no longer put him on a pedestal like I had for so long, he began treating me as less than the person I was (does that make sense? I don’t know), and he may have been doing this longer than I noticed just because I was head-over-heels for him. For the first time in almost two years I stood up to him and we had our first fight, and last. However this also opened my eyes to new people, I began talking to new people (who would still break my heart) and I let myself branch out and talk to people he normally wouldn’t have permitted because of their different beliefs. I no longer had my best friend, but his place was quickly filled. This quote helped me push past a horrible person. I no longer miss him, or miss the person I thought he was, but I miss the time that I spent trying to please him and trying to get him to notice me and fall for me like I had fallen for him. I was happier without him.
Doing more of what makes me happy has made me a happier person in the long run, and really changed my senior year. People that I had been friends with told me that I shouldn’t do a graduation speech, but I did one and rocked it because it made me happy. I stopped doing things that most people my age didn’t like crochet, carry a briefcase, making videos, and blogging because that’s what made me happy.
This quote has also inspired me to think about everything I do. That’s why my major is no longer communications or going to be political science major because that isn’t what’s going to make me happy. What’s going to make me happy is a rewarding career in Global Studies where I can go abroad and help people, rather than do something that is going to make my parents happy. If I lived in a perfect world (which I don’t) this is what I would do for a career travelling the world, but that my friends is impractical. Now you may be thinking “Mary, why aren’t you doing communications then?” Well, the people that are communication majors are often quite assholes, not all of them, but most are. They are very competitive and very full of themselves and those aren’t the kind of people that I want to surround myself with for the next 50+ years of my life. I’d rather surround myself with happy people who love and serve others, and that way I can still do this also, well that is if I’m still doing this in four years (I hope I am).
I encourage everyone to live by this more because really you aren’t going to get the most out of life if you aren’t doing what is making you happy. This is something I wish I would’ve taken to heart a long time ago so I would have saved so much time and energy on people that were holding me back because I spent so much time trying to please them rather than myself. If you really look at life in the schema of everything you have about 75-80 years and you have to make the most of every single moment. As hard as it get sometimes (and believe me it does get hard) we really have to try and be happy. One of my favorite songs is by Secondhand Serenade, “A Twist in My Story has a really good lyric which is *clears throat* “Slow down the world isn’t watching us break down, it’s safe to say we are alone now, we’re alone now,” and I think this ties in perfectly. You have the time to break down and the world isn’t going to watch you fail. Everyone goes on, nobody’s waiting for you to fail, so if you fail while you’re happy it doesn’t matter. Just do what you need to do to be happy because what really matters is your happiness and if other people are bringing you down they probably aren’t worth your time or energy. So a message from Mary: Let’s try to be happy together!
XOXO
Mary