Pause

via Daily Prompt: Pause

I saw the Daily Prompt for today was “Pause” and it ties in a little too perfectly with my life right now.

I keep hitting the fast forward button when I should be hitting pause. I shouldn’t be wishing my last six weeks of college away, yet here I am staring at my semi-daunting to-do list not wanting to do any of it.

I’m waiting for the end of the week, waiting to hear if I got a job or two, or none. But I shouldn’t be waiting for that moment. I should be savoring every moment. Cherishing the time I spend with the kids I watch because soon (well hopefully) I’ll be working full time and I probably won’t be a nanny anymore. I should be taking mental pictures of every meal with my roommates, every time I walk across the cherry-blossom filled campus, and just every little moment that I can hold on to, I should be holding on.

I’ve reached a point where I’m so focused on whatever’s next that I’m not pausing anymore, when really I should be pausing more. No more fast forward, just a nice hold down on the pause so it’s almost a stop.

My mom told me when I was starting high school that life would only get faster, I don’t know if I didn’t believe her, or just didn’t know what she was talking about, but she was right. I’ve been blogging for three and a half years, it feels like it was just yesterday I was cursing WordPress for being stupid (eh could’ve been yesterday) but my time online and in college has been flying by. I can’t believe that I’m graduating in six weeks, but here I am wishing I was graduating tomorrow just to get on with the next part of life.

I think that’s probably not just a me problem, even more of a societal problem. We’re so focused on the future, what are we doing this weekend, next week, the next deadline. We forget to focus on what is happening right now. Right now is what really matters. Maybe we all need to take some time and just pause.

So take a moment, pause, reflect, think about right now. Right now, I’m at work, right now, I’m at a decent place in my life, right now.

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Majoring in “I Don’t Know What to Do”

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how I don’t have a thing. There’s never been one thing that I’m really good at and just sticks with me. I haven’t found what a lot of people would call, their calling with what to do with the rest of their life. Here I am, obsessed with social media, but that’s not a calling, it’s just an interest. I’m not exceptionally good at social media by any means. Just above 200 followers on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr, that’s not excelling, that’s about average, slightly more on Instagram, slightly less on Tumblr. Here I have the most, around the mid 400s but this hasn’t changed in nearly a year. I’m becoming stagnant.

I think in life I’ve always just wanted to have a “thing” something that I’m just really good at. I know that everyone doesn’t have a thing, I just wish that I did. I’m a Communication Arts major which means it’s something I would say is questioned more often than a lot of majors. I never ask a bio major why they’re a bio major, I just assume that they’ll do research or go to med school. And maybe because I don’t ask, I’m just assuming that they aren’t asked why they’re a bio major, but I’m constantly asked why I’m a communications major. I have a feeling it’s because no 5-year-old girl says that she wants to run IHOP’s Twitter.

When it comes to my answer, it’s often times not acceptable for people. I usually say, well I don’t want to teach, and I only want to learn about post Civil War, so I can’t be a history major.  There’s just nothing that’s ever really stuck out to me, communications has offered the most options for me. For a while I was headed towards political science, however, I just find it so exhausting to argue. There’s just always been something wrong with everything else, so what it comes down to, is I’m a communications major because I don’t know what else to do.

I once told the career center that, they were not pleased. They suggested I change my major, which pushed me to never want to talk to them again about anything. I’m majoring in “I don’t know what to do” is that okay?

I know I go back and forth on topics like this all the time. It’s just that recently I think I’m seeing more and more people fall into their place in life and I just seem to not be able to find that spot for myself. Like yes, I’m excited that I’ll be able to get a job essentially anywhere after college, I just keep questioning if it’s something I want to be doing. I guess  it is since I can’t picture myself doing anything else.

I just feel like I’m in a worldly limbo of almost being finished with my major, but not quite ready to face the world with the choices I’ve made. I still have a year until graduation but I feel like I need more time.

I don’t know. I just needed to get these thoughts out. In a week I’m sure I’ll be back to being thrilled with my choice to be a Communication Arts major, however, today I just wish I had more options. I just don’t know what I would want those options to be.

Anyone else feel the same way? Please tell me I’m not alone.

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3 Days 3 Quotes Challenge: Day 1

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First, here are the rules for the challenge:

1.) Thank the person who nominated you

2.) Select a quote for the next three days and write about it

3.) Nominated 3 other bloggers for the challenge!

Thank you so much B for nominating me for this challenge, it’s perfect! If you haven’t checked B out, her blog is Getting Through Anxiety, be sure to check it out!

I chose the quote “Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anyone,” which is from my favorite book and movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower and it’s just a few short sentences but they mean a lot to me. I Since even starting my blog the people featured have changed drastically People change, they leave, and life goes on. I feel like sometimes the world is just moving around me and everything just keeps going. Life does not stop.

I’ve wrote before how I just expect to see people stick around, I expect to be friends with people forever, but that’s just not practical. People leave and life still goes around me. You just have to move on around that. Things will change, I will leave other people, not intentionally, that’s just life. I like how bluntly The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky puts everything and approaches mental illness and the way Charlie (the main character) sees life and his perspective.  To me this quote sums up 2015 to me.

Things change, things get better, you move on with the world, you keep going with the world. You adapt to the changes, the friends who left become distant memories, you grow more fond of the memories than the actual moments then when they were there. Everything is glorified in memories, and that’s probably a good thing. That gives you the ability to move on, remember the good things.

Things change, both good and bad, friends will leave, but the world will still go on around you.

I nominate anyone who’s reading this to also participate, if you chose to do so, please just let me know so I can make sure to check out and read your blog!

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Yin to My Yang: Soulmates

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Yin to My Yang.”

Let me be quite frank, I don’t know if I believe in soulmates the way that people mean the term. I think there are different kind of soulmates, and maybe that the soulmate isn’t just one, I think that there can be more than one because every situation has choices and two people might not make the same decisions every time which can lead to heartbreak, or just a complete breakaway before it even comes to love or the idea of a soulmate, it’s just that they could’ve been one of them.

When I think “Yin to My Yang” I honestly don’t even think about love or a soulmate. I think about my best friends. I’m not really good friends with anyone who is super similar to me. I’m friends with people who contrast me so well that it just works. I don’t ever think about that in relationships like that though. I don’t know why, but when I’m thinking about relationships, I’m never thinking about finding my perfect opposite, I don’t know what I’m thinking about, but I don’t think it’s that.

I once saw soulmates described like this:

“You don’t have only one soul-mate. If you did, you would have married your best friend three years ago. She knows you better than her right hand and she’ll listen to you cry from eight states away. You don’t have only one soul-mate because people wake up different parts of you- parts you never even knew existed. The boy when you were 15 taught you what it felt like to get caught kissing in a closet at the party you never should have been at in the first place, without his lips ever touching yours. When you were 18 a boy let you know what it’s like to have your heart lodged in your throat because he’s moving 2,000 miles away, and he won’t tell you when he’ll be back. You wait until you’re 22 to get attached again, and this time you felt it in every inch. It’s as if you got struck by lightning- the Lichtenberg figure crawls up  your arms and across your back, like his hands on your skin while you laid in bed together and you thought the thump of your heart was in time with his. You don’t have one soul-mate; instead, you have soul-mates, because your heart in huge and you have the room.” –s.m

To me this is the perfect description of soulmates in general. I think there are so many people that your soul connects with and I think that’s the perfect thing about love. That’s the great thing that we get to experience as humans. We get to be Yins and Yangs, for all different people and they get to be that for us. Soulmates don’t always have to be romantic. We can love people without having to worry about if they are the one destined for us because there are so many people that are destined for us. There are so many people that are meant to be in our lives, whether that’s temporary or forever.

I don’t know if any of this is true, but there are so many people in my life that don’t necessarily make sense. Take Hannah for example, if we didn’t meet as children, I don’t know if we ever would have been friends in high school, we were in such different circles, but because of that she has turned into one of my best friend soulmates.  There are people I’m no longer friends with, but they helped me so much in life that there had to be a reason that they were here, so they are the temporary soulmates. Then there’s recent people in my life like Eric, and I couldn’t tell you when he became my best friend, but he is, so he’s another one of those best friend soulmates. There are so many people that can come into your life at any given time and you just have to trust that they are there for a reason. Whether they are the Yin to your Yang or the Yin to your Yin, soulmates are all around you.

What do you think?

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Creative Blogger Award.

It’s late, whoops.  A very long time ago I was nominated for the Creative Blogger Award. creative-blogger

Here are the rules:

Thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.
Share 5 facts about yourself.
Nominate some bloggers in return and notify them about their nomination.
Keep the rules in your post to make it easy for everyone to know what to do.

So first and foremost, thank you to Liz Aivazis for nominating me for this award. I really appreciate it! I’m sorry it took so long to get to it!

  1. My obsession with giraffes continues to grow and may never stop.
  2. I have a growing lactose issue, but I finally got some of those pills for it after some major suffering.
  3. I have a weird relationship with art, I love it but I can’t do it and I try so hard. I just can’t put my thoughts to my hands.
  4. I hate shaving but I also hate body hair. It’s a strange toss up. However, I do like seeing the reactions of people touching my hairy legs because it’s hilarious.
  5. I really like working in retail, I find it much more rewarding than food service. I realize that sounds ridiculous but I really am enjoying it.

I’m actually just nominating anyone who reads this because I’m lazy and I always nominate the same people. So take a stab at it, and if you decide to participate let me know so I can check it out!

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Is it no big deal?

I do this thing when I really care about something or I really want something to happen I pretend like it’s not a big deal. The biggest thing I would say I do this to is marriage. Like I’m always like “I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to think about my wedding. Like let me just elope and get it over with.” It’s half true. I think weddings are hassles and I don’t know if I would necessarily enjoy it but it’s something that I would honestly like to experience in my life.

I doubt I’m the only one who pretends things aren’t a big deal that really mean a lot to them. I am well aware that I do this because I’m afraid these things aren’t going to happen for me. Like I honestly believe that I will not get married so I act like it’s something that I don’t want to do. I really don’t think I will ever be comfortable enough in a relationship to take those steps towards marriage so I just pretend like it’s something I don’t want.

I think a lot of people do this, we pretend things aren’t a big deal because it’s like that self-convincing thing. If you can convince everyone around you that something’s true- you’re eventually going to believe it too. So that’s why I do it. If I can tell myself that I look good everyday, I’m going to build my self-esteem, which I do and it makes me feel a lot better, however while this is a good thing to do, I do it with all the wrong things. “I don’t want to get married,” “I don’t really want a boyfriend,” “I don’t really know if I want to go into journalism after college,” these are all things I say to the people around me so I believe them.

Is is okay though? When I say it’s no big deal do I really mean that? Sometimes when you try to convince everyone around you that it’s not a big deal you forget what you really care about. I think I’ve started to rebuild what I care about.

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30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6

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I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. If I could do this for a living I would do it in a heart beat. I would love to blog right here the rest of my life. I can’t see myself stopping ever at this point. I mean I know that could change my mind but currently I see this blog running parallel to my life for the foreseeable future.

My dream job is blogging plain and simple. If I could travel and blog my whole life, I would be very content. I wish that it was a practical job that I could do but I’m not very good. I don’t really understand how people do it. I’ve written a few “sponsored” posts but I wasn’t paid for them so they don’t really count. I wish that I could open my laptop in a new place every week and just blog about where I was and what I was doing and everything that I thought. Almost like I do now, but I usually wake up in one of two places and I don’t share those places because I’ve already done that- where I go to school and where I’m from.

If I was able I would without a doubt be a full-time blogger and student. I guess you could consider me a full time blogger but I don’t get paid. This is the dream job. Since this is an unattainable dream job I will settle for something similar like blogging for a company or something along the lines of writing. I’m not sure what I want to do, I have meetings with the career center again this week to try and get closer to what that is.

I wish I had an attainable dream job. Like I wish I was one of those people who wanted to be an accountant. Like I could be an accountant minus the fact that I hate math and I don’t like to do it, but I could do it. It would be attainable. There’s something about art fields when you are a mediocre writer and editor that makes everything seem very unattainable. I wish I could sit here and write that I will without a doubt be a writer at some newspaper but nothing about me can say that. I hate conducting interviews and I’m not very good at editing (obviously) so I can’t say I would be an editor somewhere either.

The dream is this, the reality is that I don’t know if this can be an attainable dream. I wish, I really wish that it could be but it doesn’t really make sense. I don’t know what I can see myself doing in the future, which is stressful for me. Like I feel like a lot of people can close their eyes and see themselves in a desk somewhere or out in the field doing something, I just can’t. I close my eyes and I see myself in an apartment blogging. That’s not practical. The dream is impractical.

This is the dream, the dream just really doesn’t agree to make a life for myself. Does this make sense? Does anyone know if I can make this dream reality? Probably not, I mean if you are let me know so I know the secrets. I’m sure it’s not a matter of luck and it takes a lot of hard work, which I like to think that I put into this. I don’t know. I’m just thinking out in writing. It’s not the practical dream but it’s the dream and I keep saying that because that’s how I feel. We all know about how I like to write my feelings.

What’s your dream job? Any ideas I can steal from anyone? Probably not. I’m being too negative because I’m letting other frustrations in my life affect my ability to see that my future is bright (oh dear Lord, I hope so) and I apologize for that. Stay safe if you live in snowy areas, I know it was bad here this past weekend so be safe!

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Wasting Time

I don’t know if I’ve explained this before but one of the things I hate the most is wasting time. Today is one of those days where I’m just waiting for the next meeting or class or time but I typically make the best use of my time and I think that’s important. There are always things you have to do, like shower, brush your teeth, use the bathroom, interact with people, eat/drink, and other basic human rituals. Other than those things you should not do anything or spend time on anything you don’t want to do because it’s like throwing time away.

I hate the idea that I spend time in math classes and science classes considering I never plan on using that ever, I mean seriously, I have even thought about bin packing since last December? No, I mean other than laughing about how I don’t know how to do it anymore. So other than getting me a step closer to graduating it was kind of a waste of my time, however I did what I had to do. This is not comparable to spending time watching the Super Bowl to me. I don’t like sports, they are not enjoyable to me, especially on TV so why would I waste my valuable time watching sports when I could spend valuable time with my friends? So that’s what I did instead.

I find it sad that there are people who do so much that they don’t like doing. I don’t understand how you can spend so much time on something you can do nothing but complain about, don’t do it if you don’t like it. It’s a waste of time and your life if you pour your time into something that isn’t going to pay off because if you don’t like it, it’s not going to be good. Spend  your time doing the things you love because it makes life so much more enjoyable.

I love blogging, it’s honestly one of my favorite things but there certainly are things that I put above it. When I blogged everyday my laptop was essentially my companion, the annoying significant other that was always around. I would go out and if the blog post wasn’t up the laptop would come and I would try and the free time or pause from an activity to just post something. Now, I put my friendships before the blog or if I know I have plans I’ll do it before hand or if I know I’ll be back early afterwards. My blog is not allowed to be the annoying significant other in every friendship I have. Relationships come first, for me that’s a priority.

Prioritizing what you enjoy and giving up what you don’t is the key to a successful life, at least in my opinion. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice the things you love for the things you don’t. Do what makes you happy. Time is the most valuable resource anyone has because although it is created by man it is so limited and you never know when it’s going to run out. Wasting time is such a stupid concept that I don’t know why we allow ourselves to do it. New goal: make every second count as much as possible.

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Always Away From Someone

Today I met my friend Eric for lunch at an approximate halfway point for us and I don’t think I realized how much I missed him until I saw him, if that makes sense. He’s one of those people I can just talk to without judgement and about anything and I miss that and I didn’t realize how much I missed it until I saw him and came home again, I miss all of my friends from school but when I’m there I still miss people from home.

I’ve noticed this about going away for school and coming home for an extended amounts of time like winter break is that no matter where I am, I’m always going to wish someone else was there. When I’m home and crafting I’m going to wish that Molly and Logan were here. When I go to church at school I know that everyone there is still friendly but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the hugs and people I know at my church. At school I miss hugs from my family when I’m upset, a hug from a friend doesn’t have the same power, no offence. If I’m on tumblr at home and see something funny I want to show Zoe right away, not just tag her in it, I want that immediate sense of laughter. I could go on and on with examples for every single friend I have, but for your sake, I won’t.

In the long run of life this is how things are always going to be. No matter where I end up there’s no way that every person I love can be there for me at all hours of everyday in case I might need them or want them there. In fact there will most likely be less people around me as I grow up because everyone has their own life to live and that’s how it’s going to be. The day will come where I will graduate and all of my college friends and I will dispearce all around and same goes for my friends and family here. I don’t know if there will ever come a point in time where I’ll pause and see people I care about all over the country from wherever I am and I’ll have new people wherever I am but they won’t be the same as the people I’ll miss just like my new friends will never replace my old ones.

I’m always going to be away from someone I care about. There’s nothing I can do to fix that, that’s the way life is. It is however, because of this that you meet new people, not to fill the spot of those missing but to find new people and friends to love. People come and go and those who matter will always be around no matter where in the world you end up you have someone or you find someone who cares. That’s what is really beautiful about life. There is an endless amount of love you have for people and yes, someone will always be missed but you add more and more people and the missing become not less frequent, but less noticeable. The best part about missing someone is seeing them again. Laughing and talking and making jokes again, because you miss the fun almost as much as you miss the person. Any relationship you have with anyone is different than that of a different friend, you can’t compare anyone to someone else because they won’t compare.

As much as I complain about people in general, the ones in my life are really great. Sometimes God grants us some of the most beautiful people and they come in and change our lives in such a special way, and I know that’s not how everyone thinks. Somedays I can’t help but think that there was a reason that every person was placed into my life and I’m very thankful for that. I’m also aware that this post is very positive, not sure why, but that’s how it went, new year, new me?

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2014: A Reflection

2014 has been a really weird year for me. Things happened that I never thought I would. I lost and gained a lot of friends. I did things I thought were impossible, I had an internship, I became happy at a school that I wanted to leave constantly. I struggled with anxiety worse than I ever have but once I began to get comfortable with where I was it significantly got better. I became a better blogger (thank goodness) and really ran with this blogging everyday thing- some days. A lot of people have really changed and affected my life, some in a positive way and some in a negative way. I traveled far up north and had a mini-vacation with my friends. I went to a party in the fall. I’ve found people who I like to spend time with and can actually tolerate for more than a few hours. I hate that I want to say that 2014 has been a rollercoaster for me, but that is accurate although it is indeed a cliche.

January

In January I committed to a blog post a day. While at home I worked and hung out with my friends. I tried to see as many people from high school as I could because they were still some of my closest friends. I dreaded the idea of going back to school. I was home for most of the month but went back to school with a lot of snow days. We would get emails upon emails of telling us where to move our cars next and asking us to avoid trees or certain entrances to buildings to avoid falling snow and the possibility of trees falling due to ice. It’s funny how about a half an hour below the state line they can’t get rid of snow even remotely as quickly as above it.

February 

I always find February to be one of those months that just drag on and on, even if it is in fact the shortest month of the year. Sarah turned 16, which was just weird that my sister can drive. The best day of the month for me at least was February 15. Why? Because it’s a great sale on chocolate. I actually did my first haul with chocolate here, which is funny in my opinion. Again, lots of snow days and freezing weather. This is when my visits home became more frequent.

March

When March came around we were still having snow days. I had spring break and came home a few more additional times. School was getting rough, I kept looking into transferring and I just was not happy where I was. I was going home to avoid time spent there. My anxiety was rising and panic attacks were the new normal for me.

April

In April I went to Boston to visit Lindsay, this was a blessing in more than one way. Sure, I got to visit Lindsay and travel which was great, but I never thought that the journey to the bus stop would have given me so many friends. In February my friend Molly who I had Arabic and Biology with offered to drive me to the bus stop so I wouldn’t have to leave my car for the weekend somewhere in Baltimore. I had hung out with Molly and Gabby a few times before but not a lot, they were also friends with Logan, who I had hung out with a few times before. They were all great people that I just for some reason never spent enough time with earlier. I would probably say this is one of my biggest regrets of 2014, missing an opportunity to have these great friends earlier in the year just because I said no to hanging out with them. I should have said yes. I wish I would have said yes. My friend Meag joined us for the ride down and she ended up hanging out with them the whole weekend I was gone. After I got back I started to join them and even though I had friends like Zoe and Rachel before I left I got back and things were different. I was invited and included in a group of people, people seemed to really care about me. I’m not saying Zoe and Rachel didn’t care about me, because I know they do, it was just different being in a group since the three of us had different friends as well.

May

May came with the end of the school year, when I was just starting to get comfortable with where I was. I met Eric in May when he started hanging out with my new group of friends too, I’m really grateful for this because he is now one of my really good friends. I did not know that when I met him. Zoe and I hung out at May Madness with Rachel a little bit. Then I went home for the summer. At home I worked and saw Lindsay and Jade a lot as well as Katie, Alex, Margaret, and Hannah from work. At the end of the month I received an internship where I would spend the rest of my weekdays. Although this limited a lot of social time due to early mornings it was a great opportunity that I am so fortunate to have.

 June

June came around pretty quickly and left just as fast. Honestly I don’t remember anything very significant happening just because I was so busy with work. I would work Monday through Friday at my internship and then every other Saturday at my other job. It was a busy month with the essentially basic humdrums of life. I think this is when I started to talk to Hiba, my first internet friend and just a great person all around. I’m so glad she answered my call to be interviewed for my blog.

July

July was adventure month. I went to NYC with my family and Rhode Island with Lindsay, Jade, and Lauren. I was only off work for a week but it was a very busy week. This was another anxiety filled month. Back in June I had tried to give up caffeine to fix it but it didn’t do anything and it got a lot worse this month. This was the only time I missed a blog post simply due to anxiety and not to being busy or forgetting. I continued to work through it, I tried yoga and hated it.

August

In August I finished up my internship and I was going back to school and not really looking forward to it still. I had new friends and old friends waiting for me there but I didn’t want to leave home. I have never been much of a homebody but I didn’t want to do all of the goodbyes again. I did and I’m glad. No offence to all of my friends and family at home but I got back and I was so happy about it. Zoe came over the first night and we just hung out. I saw all of my new friends and Meag and Rachel and it was great right off the bat. I was happy to be back. Classes started and I was actually excited to be in class for once.

September

September was one the best months for me this year. Sure my birthday is in September but it was still great anyway. I went to my first party EVER. It was on my goals for the year (which will be reviewed later tonight) and it wasn’t terrible. I didn’t dread it at all actually, I had fun. I didn’t drink at all because that scares me, however, I still had fun. My birthday came around I went to IHOP with my friends and enjoyed time with my family. Becca and Chloe started hanging out with me at this time too, which is nice because they are two of the nicest people I have ever met.  This was the first time I went home since summer and I didn’t want to stay, I actually looked forward to going back. It was a complete turnaround from the previous semester.

October

October was good, I hung out with my new friends more and more. I had people to hang out with on the weekends and I stopped constantly eating in my room. There was more to life than the confinement of my room for me now, I had people to talk to. I keep saying this like I didn’t before, and I did, it was just different to feel like I was a part of a group. I went home for fall break and spent my time with Lindsay and at work. It was nice to be home but it was also nice to go back.

November

The time flew by, I can’t believe this was just last month. Classes were winding down with papers and projects and preparation for finals. I came home for Thanksgiving and spent time with my family. I also received the opportunity to go back to my internship for the last two weeks of winter break.

December

December had to be the fastest month of the year. I went back to school and studied and wrote and studied. I crafted on the weekends with my friends and just enjoyed my last few weeks of the semester. I came home and worked and celebrated the holidays. This month I blinked and it was over. It was insane.

I am so thankful for everyone who touched my life this year, I mean I’m sure if you’re reading this you were a part of it. From my friends at school to my friends at home, I am so grateful. I will be reviewing my last year goals as well as sharing my new ones with you later this evening. I hope you have a wonderful new year!

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A lot of these pictures were reused from other posts, so sorry about the captions on some of them.