Stranger Stories: An Anonymous Love Story

An Anonymous Love Story

A couple of months ago I asked my dear friend Mary if I could be an anonymous guest writer on her awesome blog. Because she is literally the nicest person I probably know, she willingly accepted my request. So hello Mary’s avid readers! I’m sorry I can’t introduce myself, but perhaps if you continue reading, the reason as to why will be made clear.

I’ve felt the need, over these last few months, to get something off of my chest but life gets hectic and the feelings I’m about to share were not nearly as important as the other aspects of my life. As things begin to calm down and my routine is more set, the feelings can’t be pushed aside much longer. They pop up out of nowhere and they pester me at the most inconvenient of times. As my therapist once told me, writing can be extremely useful for people who have a hard time expressing their feelings. And so, here I am, hiding behind anonymity in the hopes of being able to find some type of peace of mind.

Years ago, I fell in love. Or at least I thought I did. I’ve come to realize that what I loved was the idea of him, the idea of being in love with him, the romance of the entire situation. But not him, I never really loved him. And the only reason I’m able to say this is because now I actually love someone, and it hurts substantially more. It started as this perpetual cold feeling somewhere between my heart and my diaphragm, like someone punched me with a snowball. Now there’s just this empty feeling there, as if a part of my side was ripped out entirely. If I try to visualize the space it’s a black, empty void. Somehow, that hurts worse than the snowball punch.

I met him a few years ago. I was recovering from a really tough year and we were studying at the same place. We became instant friends and spent most of our time together. I’ve never had a male friend like him. We have the same interests, same passions, same humor. We grew close and soon he became one of my best friends. When we said goodbye to each other, I (accidentally) told him I loved him and turned around and got on a bus. It was a very friendly ‘I love you’ but even still, I meant it.

It was months before I saw him again but nothing changed between us. We picked up right where we left off. Again I was leaving on a bus when he hugged me and told me he loved me. Once more, strictly in a friend way. I smiled and walked away.

Years went by and we kept in touch; a skype call here and there, a couple snapchats a week and few friendly text messages. He was still one of my best friends and I loved telling people about our adventures together and how great he was. Then we saw each other again.

I was so excited to see him and we had one of those running into each other’s arms at the airport moments. It had been years since we had seen each other and yet, we were as comfortable as ever. Before our reunion, my friends kept asking me if I thought we’d hook up, which in my opinion was an absurd question. “Hook up with him? He’s like my brother guys, never.” So naturally we hooked up.

I was terrified. This would totally ruin our friendship. Everything was going to be awkward now. I’d royally screwed up. Thankfully, I was entirely wrong about all of that. But the one thing that I was right about was that I’d never be the same. The more time I spent with him and the more intimate we got, the more attached I became. Despite my best efforts, I knew I was falling in love him. I couldn’t have stopped it even if I had wanted to.

We spent two weeks together, 24/7 and not once did I get annoyed. Not once did I want to rip his head off. Not once did I need alone time. I can’t do this with my best friends that I’ve known for years. I can’t do this with my sister or mother or anyone. But with him, I’m a different person and I really like that person. I want to be her more.

The time came and he was leaving. His bus was leaving late, he was heading to his next adventure. (As I’m writing this, I’m starting to realize what an important part buses play in this whole little story). I looked in his eyes while tears streamed down my face and I was speechless. I couldn’t say anything. So I smiled while he told me how much fun he had, how much he’d miss me, how excited he was for our next trip together. We hugged, I looked at him once more and walked away. I didn’t turn back. I couldn’t turn back. My life wasn’t behind me and I had to keep moving forward. But that wasn’t the real reason I didn’t look back.

You see, his next adventure was visiting The Girl. The Girl is a friend of mine and I knew from the start that he was going to visit her. The Girl is someone who he told me he could see a future with. We were very open about The Girl and talked about all of it after we had hooked up. So the real reason I didn’t look back is because I didn’t want to know whether he was watching me leave or if he was on the phone with her. It would have broken my heart in that moment if I knew the answer. I wanted to remember him fondly and hold no grudges. So I walked onward, content with my oblivion.

While I write this, I know that I’m heartbroken. I know that the person I love doesn’t know that I do and most likely doesn’t harbor the same feelings. But I still love him and I always will. Perhaps that’s the heartbreaking part of this whole story. I really do believe that I will always love him. He is my first love, the first person I can envision a real, viable future with. I want to spend my life with him, I want him by my side through all of the adventures. We’re still best friends. We still talk frequently and on the surface, nothing has changed. I haven’t told him I love him because at this point in time, there is no benefit in doing so.

Perhaps now you understand why I chose anonymity. I need to confess to the world that I love someone who doesn’t love me back and I need to do so without anyone knowing I did. The irrationality of love annoys me. I hope you don’t feel like your time has been wasted reading this story. Perhaps no one will even get to the end of this blog. But I can pretend that I’ve shared my story with people and I can pretend that they can at least relate to it.

I suppose the lesson I’ve learned from all of this is that sometimes there are heartbreaks so enormous you can’t just get over them. I will always love him and I will always remember this heartbreak, but it won’t define me nor will it stop me. I’m not bitter and I don’t regret a thing. Now that I’ve fallen in love I know how great it is, even though it hurts so much. Sometimes, it’s ok to be broken for awhile because then you can learn how to put yourself back together.

If you have a story that you would like to share, anonymous or otherwise email me at marysaverageadventures@gmail.com.

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I’m in love!

Okay, so I’ve come the conclusion in the past few weeks that I’m in love. No, not with some unfortunate boy, but with the idea of love, and I think we all are.  As a girl I was taught from a very young age that I should want to fall in love, have the prince rescue me from a terrible/bad/horrible situation, so we begin to romanticize these types of things.  I remember being in preschool and thinking I had found the love of my life because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.  As girls we grow up in a world to be dependent upon males.

I remember having a crushes upon crushes in elementary school, however, I was never the lucky girl to have a boyfriend.  In middle school it seemed to me that everyone was falling in love, everyday someone was in a new relationship and in love, because we thought that’s how love worked. Again I was never the girl with a boyfriend, but after seeing my middle school diary over this past summer I had thought I had fallen in love several times.

The time came for me to venture onto high school, and for whatever reason I decided that I was not cut out for love, and I was not going to be the girl to fall in love, or at least anytime soon.  Yet, January of that year a boy I had a crush on asked me to be his girlfriend, and I quickly accepted.  Now this being my first relationship I did not know how to react, we went on very few dates, to football games and the annual fair.  Sadly a little after a year, it ended.  In this whole timespan of over a year, we did not say the three magic words that everyone loves to say in their relationships, we sent hearts over texts, and yes I liked him a lot, but I did not love him.  After the sadness had ended, I moved on to another boy, but he was gross and I didn’t like him so we broke up. He was my first and only kiss.  I regret it deeply. It was obvious to me that I was not in love, even though he thought he was falling in love with me.

By this point I was almost seventeen, which to me seemed very old to not be in love, even though most of my friends were single and they too were not in love, but I had always grown up with the idea that I was going to fall in love in high school. My parents had been high school sweethearts, and I had always watched high school love stories where they lived happily every after.  I thought that I would be like my mom, falling in love at 16 and marrying young. It was about halfway through my junior year when I realized that love that young was not what I wanted.  At the time I really like my best friend, we had been inseparable since the beginning of the year and everyone had already thought we were dating. However, he did not want to date because he was not ready for marriage, and basically the timing was never right.  We had a falling out the following year and we haven’t spoken since.

As I neared the age of 18 I began to think about what I wanted with my life. I was scheduled to go on trip to Europe with 39 other high school students from the area, which I did and that experience changed my life.  It was this little “vacation” that brought me to the realization that I was not going to have the same love story as my parents. My best friend was not going to come to his senses like what happens in the movies and fall in love with me. I also learned a lot about myself.  I always knew that it was hard for me to tolerate people for more than a few hours, let alone a life time. I learned that maybe love wasn’t for me.

At 17 this is a hard realization to come to. As I wrote previously, it is in a girl’s DNA that she is supposed to fall in love. I had been taught through countless movies, the love stories of my family, and society in general, that I was destined to fall in love, get married and have a family. However, I also realized that I was really lucky to be realizing this now rather than later in life. I figured more out about my self in nineteen days then the rest of my life put together. I wanted to travel and I wasn’t about to get settled down after college to stop that dream.  Sure, senior year came and I had two crushes, but I never pictured the one going very far, and the other one crashed down around me and now I realize that it would’ve never worked out anyway.  I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want a love story, I want my own story.

As you may or may not know, I am 19 now and in college. I’ve been here for about three months now and I haven’t found anyone really, and I think it’s because I’m not looking.  If someone cute asked, sure I’d go out on a date or two, but I know it will be hard to find someone who wants the same things as I do.  Now, even though I’m not really looing that doesn’t mean I can watch a romantic comedy and not desire that kind of affection, because I do.  That doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous of seeing happy couple, because I do. I know I feel this way though because I was trained by society to feel this way. I know that for me to be myself and be happy it’s being single, or with friends. Maybe someday I’ll be lucky enough to find someone who wants the same things as me, but I don’t think that it’s going to happen. I’ve been taught to be in love with falling in love, and I no longer want that. I want my own dreams, and that’s what I’m doing now. I don’t think I realized this until I wrote it all down for all of you as well. Whatever happens now has to be God’s will because I don’t think I’m going to be chasing after anyone anytime soon.

So this was a very serious very long post, and I’m really thankful to those of you who made it this far. Thanks for reading. Love you all.

XOXO

Mary