Majoring in “I Don’t Know What to Do”

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how I don’t have a thing. There’s never been one thing that I’m really good at and just sticks with me. I haven’t found what a lot of people would call, their calling with what to do with the rest of their life. Here I am, obsessed with social media, but that’s not a calling, it’s just an interest. I’m not exceptionally good at social media by any means. Just above 200 followers on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr, that’s not excelling, that’s about average, slightly more on Instagram, slightly less on Tumblr. Here I have the most, around the mid 400s but this hasn’t changed in nearly a year. I’m becoming stagnant.

I think in life I’ve always just wanted to have a “thing” something that I’m just really good at. I know that everyone doesn’t have a thing, I just wish that I did. I’m a Communication Arts major which means it’s something I would say is questioned more often than a lot of majors. I never ask a bio major why they’re a bio major, I just assume that they’ll do research or go to med school. And maybe because I don’t ask, I’m just assuming that they aren’t asked why they’re a bio major, but I’m constantly asked why I’m a communications major. I have a feeling it’s because no 5-year-old girl says that she wants to run IHOP’s Twitter.

When it comes to my answer, it’s often times not acceptable for people. I usually say, well I don’t want to teach, and I only want to learn about post Civil War, so I can’t be a history major.  There’s just nothing that’s ever really stuck out to me, communications has offered the most options for me. For a while I was headed towards political science, however, I just find it so exhausting to argue. There’s just always been something wrong with everything else, so what it comes down to, is I’m a communications major because I don’t know what else to do.

I once told the career center that, they were not pleased. They suggested I change my major, which pushed me to never want to talk to them again about anything. I’m majoring in “I don’t know what to do” is that okay?

I know I go back and forth on topics like this all the time. It’s just that recently I think I’m seeing more and more people fall into their place in life and I just seem to not be able to find that spot for myself. Like yes, I’m excited that I’ll be able to get a job essentially anywhere after college, I just keep questioning if it’s something I want to be doing. I guess  it is since I can’t picture myself doing anything else.

I just feel like I’m in a worldly limbo of almost being finished with my major, but not quite ready to face the world with the choices I’ve made. I still have a year until graduation but I feel like I need more time.

I don’t know. I just needed to get these thoughts out. In a week I’m sure I’ll be back to being thrilled with my choice to be a Communication Arts major, however, today I just wish I had more options. I just don’t know what I would want those options to be.

Anyone else feel the same way? Please tell me I’m not alone.

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Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 19

late night blogging with mary

It’s been officially over a month since I’ve done an LNBM, which means that bloggers block is fading away, we will see if that sticks once school picks up on Monday. Eek. However, because of that, I feel  like there hasn’t been a life update in a while.

I start classes on Monday, that’s insane. My break has flashed by in the blink of an eye, which is good and bad. Good because I hate waiting for things, bad because I didn’t get to do half the things I wanted to do. That’s partially because I got way more hours over break than I did over the summer, which is really good, but I’m also very tired.

Also, I can’t believe I’m going back to my school tomorrow. I spent all of last semester saying to my friends “oh I don’t go there” to be funny, but like now it feels almost weird to be going back. I’m afraid I’m not going to know anyone, which is stupid because my school has like just over a thousand students, so that’s only like 300 or so that I won’t recognize. However, I also switched buildings, which I realize I’m about to sound very stupid, but there’s like a whole new system I have to learn. I don’t know which showers to use, there’s going to be different people in the halls, it’s just going to be different. It feels kind of weird just walking into school in the middle of the year, I know it’s a new semester, it just feels strange.

I am so excited for a routine again. I have a babysitting job lined up for next semester. I just have schedule that will be generally the same everyday and I’m really looking forward to it. There’s something that I really look forward to about starting back up again. While there are certain classes that I’m really nervous about, there are also a lot that I’m really excited for. I’m glad that I’m finally done with all of my gen eds and I’m finally like moving up into just classes for my major and then classes I actually want to take.

I guess this post could have been called “back to school” but it’s past 7 pm so it’s technically LNBM. When do you go back to school? Some people are already back, some people still have a week or two, they took a week away from us, so I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little upset, but maybe it’s for the best!

Okay, now it’s bed time, I’m leaving at 7 am tomorrow!

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No Direction.

I’ve lost whatever type of direction I was previously convinced I’ve had. I’m back to this place where I’m convinced I’m going to be a failure in the future. However, I’m assuming that’s not true.

I would say I’m one of few people at least that I know of that has the next two years of college planned out. Like every class that I’m taking every semester for the next two years in planned. I’m taking all these classes to try to get something to click. Find something I could do for the rest of my life. Here the list I have so far: read history books and write history essays, blog, write fake stories for the newspaper, and provide people with random bits of knowledge and fun facts. I don’t know if any of those are actual careers, if you know that they are let me know! Also side note I don’t want to get a history degree so if it requires that, I’ll pass.

I just think it’s kind of hard seeing everyone around you developing plans and making goals. Like I am constantly asked what my goals are and I don’t have any. My goal is just to try to figure everything out. I don’t have anything figured out. Everyone around me has a goal, and whether they view it as attainable or not, I still admire it. I still appreciate that they have them, because I don’t even have one future goal.

I don’t know what I’m doing and everyone keeps saying “You’re only 20, that’s okay.” but I feel like I’m going to hit that day soon where it’s not okay, where someone is uncomfortable with the idea that I don’t know what I’m doing. At what age is it no longer acceptable to not have a plan, because I have to be pretty close.  21? 22? I feel like you’re supposed to know by now. Something is supposed to appeal to you, and you know what appeals to me? Things that aren’t jobs.

So yes, I’m sure you’re all thinking, yeah it’s okay to not have it all figured out Mary, but really we’re going to be to that point soon where it’s really not okay. I don’t have that much time. When I look at how quickly this year is going I’m kind of surprised that college is going really fast and I don’t have as much time as everyone thinks to get my life in order, or a goal in order. I don’t want to be an underachiever, but that’s how I feel.

Sorry this is kind of not uplifting, but the opposite. Is anyone else struggling with this? Please tell me I’m not alone in this one.

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I’m Figuring it Out.

Yesterday I went to my college’s career center, they told me that I should reconsider my major. That was helpful considering I’m practically done the requirements for it. Then I took their version of a career aptitude test and each section told me to that I would be good at something different so that’s interesting. I’m at the crossroads of life yet again and I’m sure next week after my meeting with them it will be worse. I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like I should know what I want to do by now and adults should respect my decisions considering I’m kind of an adult.

I’m tired of being questioned about who I am and what I’m doing. I think people think they’re helping when they ask me questions like “are you sure” or “what are you going to do with that?” as if I’m not asking myself those same questions every day. It’s not helpful to push someone against something they just made their minds up about.

I am a thorough thinker in about everything I do. I don’t really make a decision without considering and weighing all of my options. I have considered every single major my school offers and I have come to the conclusion that Communications is really the only thing that interests me besides photography which really isn’t an option with the way my school does it, plus that’s not a career for me. Communications is something that I can see myself doing and it also happens to be the only thing I like, which is apparently a problem for other people. I’m very sorry that I don’t like anything but I don’t know how that’s anyone else’s problem but my own.

I hope no one thinks I’m a waste of potential or anything. I feel like way too many people besides myself are concerned about where I’m going to end up. Honestly I’m not that worried. I’m not really worried that I won’t find a job because I think if you’re actively trying to find something especially in the communications field someone’s always going to need you. Since I would be fine living almost anywhere I’m not worried about it. I’m more concerned that I’m going to end up unhappy but I will actively find somewhere to work that I can be happy in.

So in conclusion: Firstly,  yes I have a career that I would like to go into, actually two that I’m really looking into. Second, please stop questioning every decision I make because I can promise that I’ve questioned it a lot more than you and it took me way too long to come to that conclusion. Lastly, I’m not worried, I’m comfortable enough with where I am, I have a type of plan and I am confident that I will be able to find a job. Stop stressing me out because you think I’m making rash decision. I don’t know what I’m doing but everyone figures this sort of thing out on their own, just keep that in mind.

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The Dreaded Question: What do you want to do?

Today was the first day of classes, which still requires so many professors asking your name and major, and today career paths. That was a terrible question. What do you want to do? I hate it so much. I hate that I’m twenty and I have no clue what I want to do. I hate that I know a million things I don’t want to do but there’s not even a little part of me that knows what I want to do.

I hate saying in front of the class that I don’t have career goals because I look like I’m not ambitious, but I am, I just don’t know what I want to be ambitious about.  Whenever these questions come up I get anxious, I love thinking and planning ahead but I can’t even decide what I want to do and that’s stressful for me.

Whenever anyone asks me what I want to do that’s not my advisor (who happened to be the professor asking today) I usually just say journalism or something in the communications field. Not true, definitely something in the communications field but not journalism. If I say that though people will think I have some type of plan so I get less criticism from strangers if I just say that.

Now, since this scares me so much I take career tests ALL THE TIME! Like literally when I have free time I’m trying to find a new one to take that’s free. They all give me the same result: JOURNALIST! I don’t want to be a journalist. I don’t like the people who aspire to be journalists (besides Logan and very few others) they’re very rude and arrogant. I can’t stand arrogance. I don’t want to subject myself to that the rest of my life.

I think I worry about this so much because I don’t want to grow up looking forward to the weekends. I don’t want to think every Monday “not this again” or “When’s Friday?” it’s easily one of my biggest fears that I  will be waiting for the next time I catch a break. I don’t want to be one of those people who dreads going to work everyday, I honestly want to enjoy my job. I hate my job (not internship) at home and I dread going there every time I do. I hate that I’m waiting for time to pass, wishing for eight hours of my life to just vanish. I want to enjoy every hour that I can and if that means exploring every option of what I’m doing with my future that’s what that’ll mean. It terrifies me that I don’t know what I want to do but it’s better than choosing something to do and then hating it for the rest of my life I suppose.

No one ask me that question again though, okay? It really pisses me off. The permanent answer is I DON’T KNOW!

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My Happiness

Okay so this has to be quick because I want to finish my lab report by midnight. First and foremost, not one of you asked me a question so none of those to answer. Just saying I asked nicely. Anyway, so today I’m just going to do an opposite of a rant to reverse my bad mood. Basically I’m just going to write a list of things that I’m happy about.

  1. This time next week I will be on my way to Boston.
  2. I have so many good friends that I can go to with anything and they’ll listen and give honest input.
  3. My family is the strongest support system I could ever ask for.
  4. The people who aren’t supportive or loving towards me make me laugh so it’s okay.
  5. I finally got my VoxBox and I look forward to finally reviewing and taking care of it this weekend.
  6. I’m going to get chocolate cake tomorrow because I deserve it.
  7. My skin is soft.
  8. I find support and encouragement from people on WordPress who just share their story.
  9. My hair game was strong today until I took it out of the bun.
  10. I’m going to buy Camp Takota to watch on the bus next week. (camptakota.com check it out.)
  11. Some One Direction is pumping me up right now, don’t judge.
  12. I’m going to try and start reaching out to some bloggers about helping with blogvention so if anyone wants to help let me know before I start talking to others.
  13. I get to see little Alex on Saturday who is now not so little.
  14. I only have to work for a few hours this weekend.
  15. I think I’m going to start daily vlogging even though no one really encourages it, I still want to do it.
  16. Getting on here everyday and seeing new followers or likes, or comments just makes my day and puts a smile on my face. Blogging is one of the few things in life lately that make me happy.
  17. It’s supposed to be warm again this weekend.
  18. Easter is less than a month away, which means french fries are less than a month away.
  19. Less than two months of classes before summer.
  20. As soon as I get a better job I’m going to convince my mom to go to the big mall with me and go on a shopping spree (not until the summer).
  21. My anxiety has been slightly better lately and I’ve only had two attacks this week. Progress is progress.
  22. When I have panic attacks they’ve been a lot shorter and I’ve been able to control myself a lot better.
  23. I should have time to finally clean my room tomorrow.
  24. I’ve completed the hardest section of my lab report.
  25. There’s been Playlist daily vlogs this week featuring lots of Zalife and Troyler, oh the feels.
  26. It’s almost baseball season.
  27. Next year my college is finally getting a baseball team.
  28. If I don’t get to go home all weekend there’s a musical here I get to see.
  29. If I get to go home all weekend I get to spend time with oodles of people I haven’t seen in a long time.
  30. The year is almost out and I’ll have four months off.

After any rough week when all you want to do is complain, what you have to do is fix what’s wrong. The hallway might still smell like burnt popcorn, I still might not be happy with my grades, and I might have two and half more pages on my lab report, but looking at the positives it can balance out. I know it’s a lot easier to complain and find things I don’t like because I do that at least once a week.

Two quick questions for people that you can answer if you want (I’m sure no one will). After knowing me (kind of) by reading my blog and thoughts, what do you think would be a good major for me? Maybe one of you can decide, plus I’m just curious as to what people think about I would be good at. Secondly is mostly for other bloggers, how many tags do you write and does WordPress develop them for you? Before I could just do one or two but WordPress would pick out key words so I never had to type them, does anyone know how to do that again? Okay so that was more like three, oh well. Thanks for reading!

XOXO,

Mary