It’s Hard to Explain

The thing with suffering from major anxiety and panic attacks like I have been for the past several days it’s hard to explain to people who don’t get it. I’ve been emailing with someone who does, and it’s so much easier talking to them than it is talking to someone who just doesn’t get it. Trying to explain you hardly understand yourself is really hard.

There are times where I just sit and sob for no reason. I’ll be in the car and I’ll just start crying. I can’t help it and I wish I could. People don’t get that. People don’t understand that I can’t control my anxious emotions and what comes with them, because trust me, no one wishes that I could more than me. I wish I could do certain things without panicking but I can’t. There are many times that I just collapse in fear of literally nothing but my own thoughts and that’s the hardest thing to explain.

It’s a struggle to leave the house or get up some mornings, yesterday for example. I’ve been finding peace in crafts, especially painting pottery. Yet, hanging out with other people is just not something I want to do, I don’t want to try and explain my sudden desire to leave. It’s hard to be with people and talk to people and be out and about when your mind is constantly looking for an exit plan. Whenever I leave my house I’m developing an exit plan as soon as I’m out the door. If I’m in a situation that involves sitting for any amount of time, I sit on the end, unless someone can approach me from the end, then I sit only one seat in. If I’m going out to eat, I have some sort of plan in case I have to leave quickly, and if it’s a rough day, I’m not going to order any food incase I have to leave and I don’t even have enough time to pay. How do you explain this to someone?

How do you explain that you don’t want to leave the house? How do you explain that before you go somewhere new you have to look it up so you know what to expect? How do you explain to a friend that you need to go home because you think you can’t breathe? These are the questions I ask myself as it gets worse and worse. It’s even harder when it comes to family sometimes because you see how it affects them. You see how they struggle trying to understand when you can’t even explain yourself. You can’t tell them what’s going on in your own mind and it’s frustrating. In my case I yell because I’m frustrated with myself, but yelling doesn’t help anyone. I yell because I don’t know what my mind is doing and it drives me crazy. I hate having no control over myself and that’s how I feel about 99% of the time. When you can’t explain how your mind works to the people you love the most it’s really frustrating for everyone.

There are times where it’s hard to do anything and I don’t know how to handle myself some days. On Friday it got so bad I just turned everything off. My phone went off, my laptop went off and that’s why I wasn’t around. Yesterday I didn’t want to write that’s why it was shit. It’s painful to get online when things make you anxious on social media. I don’t need to see tweets about stupid things (even though I tweet stupid things half the time) that’s not stuff I need to concern myself with when I spend half of my day crying.

I’m not sure why I felt the need to write all of this out. I just felt like I think people need to know that it’s hard to explain yourself when you don’t even understand what’s going on. My head is a mess of thoughts and I can’t distinguish things I should and shouldn’t be afraid of. It sucks but that’s who I am. I’m trying to cope and lately it’s not working. I’m just sharing it here so people understand why it’s hard for people like me to do a lot of things. I know that sounds dumb but I literally have no idea what’s going on in my head the majority of the time.

XOXO,

Mary.

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My Anxiety Won’t Win

No matter how long you’ve been following me, you know that I suffer from anxiety. For whatever reason today has been particularly bad, I’ve had a few small panic attacks, but I’ve had this general feeling of anxiousness all day. Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, feeling anxious all day or having one bad panic attack, at least then it’s over with, but then I feel really sad just because I feel mentally and emotionally weak. I’m not sure if that makes sense that’s just how I feel.

However, today I had a meeting with someone at work who works does PR for the company I’m working a for the summer. I had two hours from the time I started to the time the meeting began and I felt so anxious. I was afraid I wasn’t going to know what to say or how to act. It turns out I had no reason to be anxious because we hit it off! We talked the whole hour without a single moment of awkward silence. I acted like myself, told her about myself and my interests. I think that’s a great thing to do in situations like that because anxiety only builds with lies and pretending, or at least that’s what I think. She actually has given me the awesome opportunity to write a press release which is an awesome experience to have at 19. I’m so excited.

This really great opportunity brought with it anxiety, well maybe not with it because it was already there. I had to find the information for the press release, which meant I had to use the phone that has been sitting on my desk, used once to set up my email. For some reason making phone calls to people I don’t know makes me really nervous. I think I would actually rather meet someone face to face or even like skype them over a phone call. I don’t know why that is, but it actually caused me to have a small panic attack. I set little accomplishments so that I could do it. I retyped all the information I was given into a way that it was easier for me to understand. I then took out the questions I had to ask and typed those all up. I practiced reading them so I wouldn’t stutter, and to make sure that they made sense. After a lot of deep breathing I picked up the phone and dialed the extension. Let me tell you five rings in cruel to a person with anxiety, he didn’t answer and I had to leave a voicemail. The rest of the afternoon I’m waiting for him to return my call just working on some more powerpoint stuff and I think I’m in the clear at 4:50, but no, at 4:53 the phone rings. It went well, I asked him my questions and now I’ll arrange all the information tomorrow.

It might take me a little bit longer to do some things, but I’m not about to let my anxiety to stop me. There are so many things in life that I want to do and I don’t want to stop because I’m feeling anxious. I know there are going to be times where it does get the best of me, heck it gets the best of me a lot, but it’s not going to stop me. Even if something takes a hundred tries, or if I have to pick up the phone and put it down a few times before I’m not going to let this win. Today just justified that I can accomplish something great  a simple everyday task that makes me anxious if I set my mind to it. If I can do it, so can you.

XOXO,

Mary.

 

Hello fellow bloggers or readers that suffer from anxiety. I’m trying to a post on how to explain anxiety to those who don’t experience it and how they should handle someone having a panic attack. If you have any advice on this I’m trying to compile a list, so if you want email me at marysaverageadventures@gmail.com please it would be really helpful! You can stay completely anonymous as well.