Planning

Lately I’ve been very anxious which is annoying because the past three months have been fairly well with few panic attacks and just feeling more chilled out about life in general. I’ve been shaking and crying a lot lately, but not full blown panic attacks except for a small one when I was driving the other day which made the icy roads even worse for me. I contribute the lack of them to being comfortable in my place in life and it’s not that I’m uncomfortable here it’s just that I keep finding myself in more uncomfortable situations which my body decides is intolerable and decides that it just needs to freak out about it a little bit. The worse part about being home is that when this happens there are few people who understand and they think I’m being dramatic, I’m not but what can you do other than move on? Nothing. Anyway, my sense of ease with this fresh set of onset anxiety has been to plan every detail of my life. I mean that’s why I freaked out and decided that my planner wasn’t good enough last week and had to go to Target in my ‘I give up pants’ because I needed to get my shit together. For some reason planning everything to the second is giving me a sense of ease.

My friend Logan (click on the link) is very involved is SGA (I can’t remember what exactly her position is so I’m just saying involved, but don’t take that as not important because she is very important) so she has been sending out emails of upcoming events and I’ve been writing down every single one in my planner so I don’t forget to go, because that’s something I typically do. I’ve also have been checking to see if my syllabi are up every day since the grades for last semester were due so I can print them out and put the dates in my planner. I’ve literally been obsessed with planning, a complete turn around from last year when I wouldn’t even use a planner, and I found that my hand was the best source of information for anything that I needed to do.

Planning is obviously a major piece of life and like how to go about things. Like I have always been really good about being early, one of my many mottoes is “if you aren’t early you’re late” which is both good and bad. It’s kind of bad when I plan on being a half an hour early to everything and then it’s like super awkward for me. The only time I’m ever late is when I either get lost (happens more frequently than I would like to admit) or I used to be late to dinner at school when I was just starting to get to know people because I was afraid of being there with just one other person and not knowing what to say. Anyway, I’m over that now and I’m usually early again.

I think this probably stems from my extreme need to constantly be in control of everything around me. It’s a real problem that I seem to have, whenever I am not in complete control of any situation I kind of freak out.

So planning is my new hobby for 2015 it seems. What do you guys use to plan/organize? I think that’s my next thing to get into- if this is what being a grownup is, I guess I’m ready. Just kidding, still not ready.

signature

A Planner.

I’m a planner, and I’m pretty sure this drives just about everyone in my life a little bit nuts. I’m not a spontaneous kind of person, like sure a spontaneous trip to the mall cool, but I’m not good when I know something’s happening but there’s no plans for it. This is why I freak out about the future. Anyway, since I’m a planner something I plan on doing is having every person I love and cherish in my life forever. This is a mistake my friends.

While it might be nice to plan on having Jane from kindergarten at your wedding, yet she moved in the first grade and you haven’t seen her since, it’s pretty impractical that every person you have ever met in your life forever. I think this is particularly hard, well at least for me, when certain people have had such a large impact on your life. Now, no, I’m not one of those girls with a wedding board on Pinterest (feel free to follow me @mrmilligan13), but if I do get married, I expect all of my friends now to be there. Yet, a few months ago I wrote a letter to myself on the occasion if I ever do get married, and someone I mentioned in there is no longer a part of my life, and there are also a few more people now who mean a lot more to me.

I always count on having my friends there for me. I assume that when I’m 87 years old that one of my friends will be in my nursing home, assuming and hoping I didn’t out live them all. I assume and have the idea that once someone in my life is there, they’re going to stay there. I don’t know why I would ever count on anyone leaving. My planning mind plans for these people to always be there no matter what the situation that those I love and care for will always be there for me. I don’t know why I would think anything else.

I think that if the day comes and I either birth a child (probably not) or adopt (a lot more likely) that I’ll call Lindsay and tell her about the funny stuff it says or that I’ll share the gross vomit story with Zoe. I don’t expect that people are going to leave my life and unless something they do or say hurts me or someone else I care about I won’t leave theirs either.

This accounts for disappointment sometimes, especially when you count on someone being there for you and they aren’t. When I lose a friend I obviously take it very personally. Contrary to what people may think of me, it takes a lot in me to cut someone out of my life, no matter how good it is for my mental well being. It takes a lot for me to just give up on someone. It takes a lot in me to just not care anymore. It obviously takes a lot just to walk out of someone’s life when you’re counting on them being there for every event to come. Yet, it is nice to think that in the coming years my true friends will emerge, if not already, the high school drama that’s carried into college will hopefully fade, and friends will just be friends not pieces of a board game.

signature

A Blogger Failure?

Well first of all THANK YOU! Today I hit two hundred followers, something that when I started nearly a year ago I didn’t even think about. I thought maybe I should tell you all about my reasons for blogging and such tonight but I’m still going to wait until a year hits. I would do another giveaway but I’m currently saving money and the last one only two people entered so maybe when there’s some more people reading I’ll have another. I’m so grateful for all of you and the community.

Anyway it’s nearly 11 and I just decided to paint my nails, I’m not girly so I have to soak them to get all of the little corners cleaned up. Life would be too easy if I was actually good at something other than knowing random information. I’m also catching up on the last season of PLL because I’m so

So I have things planned to write, I just haven’t put them into proper action because I suck. Honestly, I don’t understand how there are over 200 of you now. Anywho so that leaves me with today’s post of  well, it’s 11:30 and I still have no clue what I want to write about soooooo… This is awkward. Ummm… Guys I’m so uncomfortable right now, like it’s getting late and I have no idea whatsoever. Okay got it! Yes I know the the first three paragraphs are just me rambling, all 200 of you chose to follow me. Sorry I’m just really happy about this.

Okay, so I was going to do an about me so I started googling questions to share with people and I typed in ‘things to tell your blog readers’ well according to a few sources I should be a blog failure. Well first of all, we know how I don’t like to cite my sources when I’m criticizing someone or something not because I wouldn’t be willing to start a debate, but because I don’t think they need unnecessary comments and such against their work for something I said.

  1. So there is my blogger failure number one not citing my sources. This is kind of a WordPress failure too, because failure to cite sources is a failure to meet the requirements to appear on the Freshly Pressed page, an old and faded goal of mine.
  2. Okay so secondly daily blogging is apparently really bad, apparently I’m putting too much content out there, apparently all of my ideas are the same. Sure this is probably all true, and I can’t say that I’m going to do daily blogging again, but it does help me think A LOT. I have a whole list of ideas to write about but that doesn’t mean I want to write about all of them right this moment. I know I do express a lot of the same ideas but that’s because I find them really important.
  3. Apparently promoting myself on my own social media sites isn’t good enough because my followers aren’t responsive, I need to get other bloggers to promote me. Why would I do that? Why would I ask all of my favorite bloggers to promote me? That not only seems rude and I feel like it would hurt their content. I don’t need loads of traffic on my blog. I don’t think tweeting what I write makes me a blogging failure.
  4. I don’t write towards anything specific. You’re “supposed” to write towards a specific audience with very specific articles. My blog should be focused around something that I like, very specifically, for example the primary focus of my blog is my desire for traveling. Well this article thinks that my desire should be my desire to travel to *insert a specific country* and make my blog all about that. No thank you.
  5. Planning ahead, I mean you guys know how terrible I am at this. This sentence is being typed up at 12:42 am and it will be published as soon as I finish this little rant thing. I don’t plan ahead. I don’t like to plan ahead, I tried it in February, I had a post planned for every day of the month, but that’s not me. That’s not how I work. I like doing things this way. Sure, it would be a lot easier if I liked to plan but I’m not a planner.
  6. Not writing about things people don’t care about. To be honest, as much as I love and as grateful as I am for all of you, I don’t write to please you. If you like what I write that’s great, but if you don’t I don’t care. I write to make myself happy, I am not writing to make thousands of people happy. I started a blog to get my thoughts and ideas and opinion out there, not to write what someone else wants to hear.
  7. Proper comments. If I’ve ever commented on your blog I’m very sorry. When I comment on someone’s blog I’m not writing “oh hey check me out” in any part of a comment, I’m writing “I like your blog, this is awesome.” I’ve honestly told someone not to follow me before. I mean, maybe some of the blogs I’m commenting on are not the usual things college students read, I love mommy blogs, I’m not sure why. I think I told you guys this before, partially probably  because a lot of the time I like adults more than people my age. I wonder what will happen when I’m a real adult. I got way off topic here, I bet that’s a failure according to someone.

When it comes down to it, the internet may call me a blogger failure, but there’s now TWO HUNDRED  of you. There’s honestly no way I could ever consider myself a blogger fail. My failed blogs, yes, but that’s what makes them failures. Obviously, until I quit, I’m not that blog failure. Stuff like this makes me kind of upset, just because I don’t have ten thousand readers, I’m not failing. Just because I’m not making money, it doesn’t mean I’m failing. Sorry, but I think I’m doing pretty well, thank you very much. What do you guys think about these seven things that classify me as a failure? Let me know in the comments.

Again, I’m so thankful for all of you and I honestly can’t believe that I’ve hit such a milestone in less than a year. Thank you all so much.

XOXO,

Mary.