relationships

Trying to Date as 20-Something

Mary5 Comments

Dating sucks and I hate it. I hate the start of relationships where you have to get to know someone and trying to figure out the way they think, how to understand them, and just all those little things. I can’t think of anything about dating that I like. I can’t even count the number of times in a week where I want to call my mom and ask her to just arrange my marriage.

I was recently ghosted. Or maybe that’s still an occurring thing. I don’t really know how long of a process that typically is, but all I know is that I’m pretty pissed about it. Like really, you’re in your twenties, I’m willing to have a conversation, so let’s talk about it. I find myself to be a reasonable person, and ghosting makes me totally unreasonable. So to the guy that’s ghosting/ghosted me, if you’re reading this, I’m a catch and because of your unwillingness to have a conversation with me, you’re missing out boy. Also mom and dad- I don’t want to talk about it. I would be lying if I said I’ve never ghosted anyone, I mean I tried. I was unsuccessful because I feel like shit leaving someone in the dark like that.

I know that I’m a relatively easy person to date (at least in my opinion). I don’t require fancy dates (my favorite places are IHOP and Target) or even that much attention, a text a day suffices for me. However, I never seem to be enough for the boys that  pay attention to me, or I require too much. Honestly, the last guy who was actually my boyfriend couldn’t do enough for me so I broke up with him. That sounds really shitty, but he complained if I asked to go on a walk around the park, not even if we could get a coffee.

So I don’t understand why I find dating so complicated. I sometimes feel as if I have convoluted ideas behind dating. I can be quoted of saying “Did I miss the day in school where everyone learned to talk to people they’re attracted to?” Other than my lack of flirtation skills, I can’t get a guy to notice me. Well, I can, just not the ones that I want to, and I don’t know why that is.

I feel like I’m starting to get a little side-tracked (naturally) in this post. Really, the thing is, there is not one good thing about dating in your twenties. Tinder sucks and it’s how to meet some really shitty people. I would be curious to know if anyone has actually had good, continued success on the app, because I would say I had brief and okay success but now I will never use it again.

I’m not one to blame things on social media because I love it more than most other things. However, it does make dating harder. It makes reading into someone’s personal life a lot easier and actually talking to someone a lot more difficult. Like, if I just start seeing someone I am not about to tweet some T-Swift lyrics because that’s unfortunately the kind of thing that freaks guys out whether or not it has anything to do with them. They might not even follow me on social media yet and I won’t tweet it just in case they decide to creep. Fortunately, I’m not the type to get mad if a guy likes another girl’s picture, or retweets something, but there are people that get into actual fights over such things. While, I may find that little bit out there, it’s a real problem. Social media might be hurting our dating lives.

On the other hand, social media has done this awesome thing that it usually does, which is bring people together. I am curious to know if that works for people. I know a girl who started dating someone on Instagram, like they had mutual friends (I think) and they hit it off through comments. To me, that’s kinda crazy and I don’t think that happens a lot, but maybe I’m wrong. My goal is that an attractive man will see how hilarious I am on Twitter and slide into my DMs, I doubt it will happen but a girl can dream.

At the end of the day, my thoughts behind dating is that it sucks and I want an arranged marriage. No, not really, but it does suck. They’re are too many ways for it to go downhill. For someone like me, that is a tough thing to grasp sometimes. Post-graduation I would really like to have a steady man in my life that likes me and treats me well. Preferably, he has aspirations of things and goals he will obtain. Obviously, I’ll keep you posted on any male suiters (only after they know about the blog and they stick around past the “dating” phase of things).

What do you think about dating as a twenty-something?

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Relationships and the Internet

Mary7 Comments

I am an oversharer, I don’t have a problem admitting that. However, that is not always in my best interest. At some point in February I started seeing someone, then in March when it became official, I had no problem telling pretty much everyone, including my blog. The internet, however, now has made that relationship forever.

I never made it Facebook official (because if people want to know my business read my blog), but I did say that I was going to write about it here. I never did, because I ended things before that could have happened. So it has brought me to the question of when is the right time to put your relationship online?

The thing about the internet, and it’s the thing everyone’s parents, teachers, and professors say: “It’s there forever” so when you want to forget about a relationship it’s still there. You can delete all the pictures, the Facebook posts and whatever else you posted online, but it doesn’t change that people still saw it. People will ask you what happened, and you will have to face the questions.

I’d like to think that there’s this magic number. For me, it’s really whatever I feel like, after I tell everyone I care about first. However, I totally see the benefits of waiting a few months. Sometimes I feel like the longer you wait or the more online the relationship is it can be harder when it ends.  I can’t imagine ending a year long relationship and having to delete all of that off the internet, or facing those memories after that.

I think it also comes down to how much you put on the internet too. For example, I had one picture and a line in a blog post. I think he might have posted on my Facebook wall once or twice, but our relationship was not really that public.  I think the ending would’ve been different if we had a million pictures on Instagram and Facebook or something like that. The internet encapsulates every aspect of a relationship that you’re willing to share about it and then when it’s over you have to deal with that aftermath.

In the future, I honestly think I wouldn’t change anything about it. I think that if a relationship lasts more than three months, I’ll probably put it on Facebook. However, it’s really not all up to me because I’m not that kind of person. I’m just an open book, a few pictures here and there, a sentence in a blog post and an introduction after a while. I don’t think that I’ll say I have plans to introduce him because who know if that’ll happen.

The internet has this weird way of preserving everything that happens in life which is not only great but kind of scary/annoying sometimes. It’s also a personal thing that everyone can decide to share or not share in the world.

What’s the magic number? When do you put your relationship on the internet?

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Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 25

Mary5 Comments

late night blogging with mary

Hello everyone, it’s been a while. The end of the semester got to be way too much for me to handle this year, but I just emailed my professor my final project so I’m done. I am officially a senior and thank goodness for that. Towards the end it was often a struggle to make it through.

This year was so full of blessings, however I will leave those all to another post dedicated to my amazing school year. This post is weird. I was gone for so long, it just feels weird coming back.

I say this every summer, and every summer it starts but doesn’t quite finish and that would be the revamping of Mary’s Average Adventures. This summer I hope to improve on: more fashion-y style posts, DIY, and hopefully, a lot more adventures.

Blogging has been a struggle for me. Most recently, I’ve become a sell-out to the Odyssey and that has taken a lot of my ideas too. I don’t know why I signed up for it, but I try my best to give it a better name. I just have a lot of issues with the way it’s run and how people perceive the site in general. How many letters to the ex-boyfriend can I read? Why do I have to share my articles on Facebook?

I also broke up with my boyfriend. That’ll be another post about the internet and relationships because it’s interesting.

Right now, I’m just trying to recover. I’m only home for about a month until I go back to school to do research with one of my professors and another student. The plan for this month is scrapbooking, reading, and lots of me time.

This is more of an I’m back to blogging post than a LNBM I suppose haha. However, I’m back, I’m a senior, and I’m so glad I’m on break.

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This is the last time I’m asking you…

Quote Mary3 Comments

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Can’t Drive 55.”

“Put my name at the top of your list…” This is one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs, “The Last Time”. To me this songs speaks volumes. It means you can only ask so much out of someone. It means you can’t keep leaving and coming back and how fragile people around you are.

“This is the last time I’ve got it wrong” This is the last time, I’m going to make this mistake again. You can make the same mistakes so many time, trust me, I continuously repeat mistakes, but it’s crazy to think that you just keep going back to what’s going to break your heart.

“This is the last time I’m asking you why, you break my heart in the blink of an eye” We go back to people who break our hearts repeatedly. We trust people continuously. I think in our memories we forget what bad things people did, and have a tendency to remember only the good things, and we continue to let them into our lives even though they will only hurt us more and more.

“I’m not sure how I got there, all roads they lead me here” When you care about someone everything goes back to them. We forget where we’re going and what we’re doing, we get so caught up in that person and how much we care that everything falls to the wayside.

“Put my name at the top of your list.” Once you start not meaning something to someone, don’t ask to be put at the top of their list anymore. Once you’re not there anymore you start caring more than them, investing more than them, and are in a position to be hurt a lot more by them. Which is why they “break my heart in the blink of an eye.

“You wear your best apology but I was there to watch you leave” Sorry’s can only go so far and only fix so much. Sometimes the apology becomes so miniscule that it begins to mean nothing instead.

This is one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs because there’s so much meaning and emotion in it. Gary Lightbody is also featured in the song, and their harmonies are amazing. When I hear this song I can feel it. It’s everything you want to say to the people who hurt you again and again, but there’s only so many times you can ask why, only so many times they can say sorry, only so many times you both can walk away.

“And all those times I let you in, just for you to go again.”

Now doesn’t that just break your heart. Happy Saturday prompt from the Daily Prompt! What was the last song you listened to?

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P.S. I listened to this song the whole time I wrote this post and now I’m obsessed with it like I was when the Red CD came out.

Is it no big deal?

Mary4 Comments

I do this thing when I really care about something or I really want something to happen I pretend like it’s not a big deal. The biggest thing I would say I do this to is marriage. Like I’m always like “I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to think about my wedding. Like let me just elope and get it over with.” It’s half true. I think weddings are hassles and I don’t know if I would necessarily enjoy it but it’s something that I would honestly like to experience in my life.

I doubt I’m the only one who pretends things aren’t a big deal that really mean a lot to them. I am well aware that I do this because I’m afraid these things aren’t going to happen for me. Like I honestly believe that I will not get married so I act like it’s something that I don’t want to do. I really don’t think I will ever be comfortable enough in a relationship to take those steps towards marriage so I just pretend like it’s something I don’t want.

I think a lot of people do this, we pretend things aren’t a big deal because it’s like that self-convincing thing. If you can convince everyone around you that something’s true- you’re eventually going to believe it too. So that’s why I do it. If I can tell myself that I look good everyday, I’m going to build my self-esteem, which I do and it makes me feel a lot better, however while this is a good thing to do, I do it with all the wrong things. “I don’t want to get married,” “I don’t really want a boyfriend,” “I don’t really know if I want to go into journalism after college,” these are all things I say to the people around me so I believe them.

Is is okay though? When I say it’s no big deal do I really mean that? Sometimes when you try to convince everyone around you that it’s not a big deal you forget what you really care about. I think I’ve started to rebuild what I care about.

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30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 3

Mary1 Comment

blog challenge day 3

I’ve talked about this a million times but today’s is a little different. Yes, I am single, however, I’m sick of it. I’m tired of being alone. No, I’m not lonely I have good friends that I really love and care about, however, a lot of the time I do wish that I was no longer single.

I’ve been officially single for the past four years but I’ve never been in a serious relationship before and I feel like I’m at an age where I’m ready to be in a serious relationship with consideration of the future and such. I know that sounds weird but I’m getting to a point in my life where I don’t want to date just to have a boyfriend. I want to date to see where the future would take us. I know that’s weird I guess. I feel like I’m getting old even though I’m only 20. I see a lot of my friends in the next few years starting to settle down and I wouldn’t mind that for myself although my definition of settling down is different.

I used to tell my mom about how I want to travel the world and gain experience before I settle down and get married and she would always say that when I meet the right person I would want them there with me. Well, I haven’t met the right person but I don’t think I want to do that alone. Everyone says when they get married how they’re marrying their best friend which I don’t know if I believe that, but how cool would it be to travel the world with someone you love unconditionally?

I know I could also be feeling this way because it’s below freezing outside and someone to cuddle and watch Netflix with on Friday nights would not be a complaint from me. I don’t know maybe three months from now I’ll feel differently or maybe I’ll meet someone. Right now I’m single. I can’t say that’s happily anymore though. I’ve gotten to the point where it’s not fun to try and talk to a million guys (or even just find one good enough to talk to). I’m at the point where I could see myself trying to be married in the next ten years. I’m not sure the next five or six years is really probable but ten years definitely and I really wouldn’t mind meeting that person soon.

So single is my relationship status. Single and waiting for the right person.

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Alone on Valentines Day: Part Two

MaryLeave a comment

Today I am anxious and cranky. I don’t know why this day didn’t go as planned so maybe that’s it. I’m ready for Sunday but I hate wishing away time so I’m going to look forward to it but not rush towards it.  Anyway in an effort to be positive I’m going to give part to of my tips from last year (that weren’t really tips) on what you should do when you’re alone on Valentines day.

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  • Go out with friends- there’s nothing stopping you from going out (except for the crazy crowds) but you can still have a good time with people you love and not have to be in a relationship with anyone else.
  • Eat chocolate in your room and watch sappy movies. Honestly if I don’t develop any type of plans I’m going to do this.
  • Look forward to the after Valentines Day sale where all of the chocolate is 50-75% off at Target.
  • Order in to avoid the crazy crowds. Pizza or even like curbside to-go that so many chain restaurants have you can just pick up food rather than do the whole wait and hardly have space to move your arms thing.

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  • Do something- go to the movies, go to the mall. Don’t sit in sorrow that you’re single. Maybe it’s best that you are, you probably haven’t met the right person yet.
  • Remember it’s just another day. If you don’t have anyone to share it with you have friends. It’s just as important to show them love as it is to show a significant other. The fact that you’re single does not impede on your ability to have fun or enjoy just another Saturday.

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I’m Single.

MaryLeave a comment

I mean this is fairly obvious I make a lot of jokes about it because it’s just one of those things that at this point in my life I find very humorous. It’s not that I want to be single or in a relationship which is probably one of the many reasons I’m single, I don’t know what I want. I’ve been single for four years now if you count either of my previous relationships as relationships and if you don’t count either then I’ve been single my whole life.

For a while this unsettled me for a while I realized that if I was supposed to be with someone right now I would be. If it was in God’s plan for me to meet someone I would meet someone, what’s the point in seeking out a crush or someone to date if it’s just to have a boyfriend or girlfriend? If that’s what you’re looking for it’s probably not going to work out.

After months and months of not even being interested in anyone and just admiring cute boys from afar I’ve realized there’s probably a reason I’m not into anyone. Sure there are times where I think it would be nice or convenient to have a boyfriend, like when I’m trying to take all of my stuff to my room in one trip or when I’m lonely, but that’s not why people actually have relationships. They have relationships because they like someone or love someone even.

I’m single for a lot of reason and while it’s kind of funny I don’t want to kiss a lot of frogs to find the right one, or to find that there isn’t a right one at all. I kinda just want to wait until I like someone and hopefully I’ll be lucky enough that they’ll like me too.

I also am currently in Mary Time which is the time where that I’m allowed to be selfish and only think about myself. Right now I’m in the stage where if someone comes along I would be okay with it, but I’m still allowed to be selfish. I have this whole set of rules that I might as well explain now. So once someone comes in and understand Mary Time then it’s like Mary PLUS Some Random Man’s Time in which before any engagement happens we must be dating for at least five years then and then engaged for a year before any marriage happens. Then it’s Mary Plus Husband Time for the rest of our life but right now I’m being selfish and this is there Mary Time that might never end. I know I can be very selfish and I don’t know if I would want to invite anyone into that mindset of mine.

Anyway that got a little bit of track. I’m okay with being single not only because of my mindset but because of how I feel about guys at the moment. I can’t see myself being with anyone anytime soon and while that may be upsetting for people who aren’t good at being single I like to think that I’m a pro at being single. It get boring but it’s probably for the best for a while or at least I meet someone I actually like.

I was partially inspired by this post by Young & Twenty so if you don’t already go check her out and see what she has to say, because it’s pretty inspiring stuff.

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It’s Not Changing

Mary2 Comments

Up until about a year ago I was waiting for a change that wasn’t going to happen. I was waiting on a message or a phone call that would change my life and obviously it never happened. Almost two years ago I was really, really happy all the time and I lost almost all of my abilities to be my typical cynical self. Then something changed and I was back and more cynical than ever. Not only was I more cynical than ever but I was sad for a good six months in a way that no one really knew because I wasn’t verbal about it and it wasn’t the kind of sad that made me cry every night or affected me a lot it was the kind of sad that was just there in the back of my mind.

I eventually realized that nothing was going to change unless I did something about it and I didn’t want to do anything about it. I thought that it wasn’t my place to initiate the change but that’s not how life works. You can’t just wait around for the perfect thing to happen, you have to make it happen. As soon as I realized this I realized how much time I had wasted just sitting around waiting for something to happen I was over it and a lot happier. Then as soon as the message I had been waiting so long for came, I realized that’s not what I wanted. I wanted my life to be mine again, not in the hands of someone who didn’t care. I didn’t want my emotions to depend upon someone else because that’s not okay.

I don’t know what they wanted when they texted me that day. Maybe it was friendly or maybe it was more, either way, I was friendly but went on my way because that’s not what I wanted. I love that I discovered a different kind of happiness due to him, but I don’t want a happiness that is reliant on someone else, I want one that’s based on my environment and how I’m feeling that day.

What I took away from all this time waiting for a dumb message was why am I so dependant upon this one person to make me happy or make me smile? When really whenever I heard from them I would get more upset because I never felt good enough. I would get stressed because, what did they want from me now? I spent time waiting for someone who didn’t care. I spent time looking for happiness in someone who broke me. I allowed my emotions to be controlled by someone who was hardly in my life and it really affected me.

Now I know that the only person you can count on to always be there is yourself. Everyone else is a temporary piece in your life, which is really sad to think about but no one else can be constant. You never know what’s going to happen so you can’t rely on others to make you happy or influence you in anyway, you only have yourself for that.

It’s great to have friends and build relationships with people but those aren’t the people who see you every day. I’m sure there are people who you see everyday, but that changes. There are people I used to see at the beginning of the school year every day and now maybe I see them twice a week. Things change and things change quickly and you can’t assume that every person is a constant. I used to assume that every person that entered my life would be a constant and I still tend to do that, I just don’t depend on anyone to feel a certain way. It’s great to count on the long term and see someone as a permanent life friend but things do change and to put all of your happiness marbles in one jar is dangerous.

If you can’t be happy with yourself you can’t be happy with someone else. I wasn’t going to post this. I actually wrote most of it a few hours ago. I don’t want people to think that I was sad last year, I want people to understand that it was just a looming feeling that I felt like I couldn’t talk about without a thousand “I told you so’s” and “just move ons”. I’m over it now everyone so I thought I would just give my warnings without a thousand “are you okays” because I am. I’m at a place now where I’m happy enough with myself that if I really wanted to (but I don’t) I could be happy with someone else.  Just know that you come first and that you need to take care of yourself first and that if you can’t do that you probably aren’t ready to depend on someone else either.

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Why it’s Good to Mind Your Business

Mary2 Comments

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I see a lot of articles on why it’s good to have kids young or wait, get married young or wait, move in with a significant other or wait, go to college or not, but really it’s no one’s life but your own. Everyone has an opinion. I understand that, it’s just that your opinion on someone else and their life doesn’t really matter and it shouldn’t affect them either way.

Today I got on Facebook and I saw an article “Why it’s good to get married young” and I was mad at first. It goes on about how it’s God’s gift to be married young, but for someone like me that is nothing that I’ve ever wanted. I don’t want someone judging me for not wanting to get married young, but I also should stop judging people who are at a point in their life where they feel stable enough to get married young.

I think the internet is great and all but I think there are some opinions that are actually personal decisions. I think there is too much pressure on people to make very personal decisions via something they read. I know I’ve read things which referred to me as a terrible Christian room just because I didn’t want to be a stay at home mom, or let alone a mom. This really offended me as a Christian woman and it was just someone’s opinion that was trying to influence my future when really God does call people to the single life and that’s my choice of whether or not to be a mother.

Sure it’s cool to get married at 20 but it’s also just as cool to get married at 65. If you want to have loads of babies go for it, but if you want to have none or one go for it! I’m tired of all these people trying to tell everyone what to do, let them live their lives and mind your own freaking business! I think we are all too far concerned with how other people live their lives and how they should live more like us or the lives we want to have and really NO ONE KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING WE ARE ALL JUST FIGURING IT OUT AS WE GO! You can’t do your own life wrong. I mean unless you’re a rapist or something I wouldn’t recommend that lifestyle but honestly everyone has to make their own choices so stop trying to control them. You do you and I’ll do me.

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