25 Days of Christmas: Day 4- Mental Health During the Holidays

As you probably know, mental health is something I struggle with, anxiety specifically. That’s part of the reason I’m behind on my 25 days of Christmas.

In general, this week was very busy for me. Aka I started going to the gym and I’m tired. Other than that, I’ve just been very anxious and a little depressed so I don’t really want to fake a smile for my blog writing. That’s why I should’ve gotten ahead like I originally planned, but hey life got in the way.

I’m sure it’s not just me that struggles with mental health during the holiday season. It’s when a lot of people’s seasonal affective disorders strike. For me, I think it’s combined with my period like it is every month, and then just the general idea that I’m supposed to be happy and cheery for the holiday season. This time of year I think is stressful for a lot of people, but that’s not why I’m anxious. I think it’s important to note that anxiety isn’t always tied to stress, sometimes it’s not tied to anything. Right now I think it’s really hormonal mixed with some stuff I don’t really overshare.

Hopefully, this ends with my period, and I can pick up with 25 Days of Christmas. If it doesn’t I’ll try my best but right now, I’m just going with the flow (lol). If you’re dealing with mental illness struggles during this season, just know you aren’t alone.

Advertisements

Tuesdays.

Today is Tuesday. That’s a fact. It’s also March 1, spring is in the air, however, I’m exhausted.

tuesdays

Exhaustion seems to be a common theme for me this semester, especially Tuesdays. For me, Tuesday is the halfway through the week, but by far the longest day of the week. I have three classes, like I do every day. I just find it so long.

I’m most productive on Tuesdays. I do my homework, I get stuff done, but for some reason, they’re still very daunting to me. I dread them every week. Ironically, up until this semester I’ve always had an unusual fondness for Tuesdays, and I still sort of do, good things have always happened to me on Tuesdays so I like them the best.

Tuesdays and I right now are just not getting along.  They have too much work, too much to do, and sometimes too much ambition. Tuesdays are the days that I bite off more than I can chew, more than I can handle for the upcoming week. Tuesdays are the “if I just have one more cup of coffee I can do it” days.

Once upon a time, Tuesdays were great, and the reason they were great is that they didn’t hold the surprises that I think Mondays tend to contain, but they are starting to sink to levels of Mondays.

I’m starting to think Thursday is the new Tuesday.

How is your Tuesday?

signature

Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 20

late night blogging with mary

I’m exhausted. Just like physically exhausted. My IT class has already kept me up until 2 am two nights ago and until 12 last night and it’s only the second week of classes.

This semester is going to be long. I just know it. Maybe this light dusting of snow will give me a delay tomorrow, I would not complain. I would like to have a week off due to snow delays and days off in total because they added a week to our calendar. We’re supposed to get this huge snow storm this weekend, but I have a feeling that it won’t happen. Also, I hate that, weekend storms are the worst. I always have to move my car through the icy campus and they wait until Sunday to actually plow/salt anything. Maryland doesn’t do snow well.

My classes thus far are interesting, yet I know they will be challenging. I’m already learning new things in nearly all of my classes, which is great because usually it’s still a review. I’m glad that I’m finally getting interested in what I’m learning about. Advanced Reporting is probably  my least favorite class, but Online Journalism is probably my favorite, we all know I have a little obsession with the internet.

This weekend I have a lot to do, and I would like to do some scrapbooking. I know I live a fascinating life and you were all dying to know that I just want to scrapbook. I want to try and get a head start on my homework that way I’m not procrastinating. This week when I tried to get ahead on my IT homework, the site was down, so that didn’t help my procrastination at all. My philosophy is this semester the farther ahead I get the easier life will be in the long run. We’ll see how that works out.

I really want to get into being more creative. I feel like I’m just letting all of my creative energy fall to the wayside while I don’t do much with my free time. I need to devote more of my free time to creative things and less to Netflix and doing nothing.

I don’t know if I’ve written this anywhere, but I’m very glad to be back at school with my friends, but it does take some adjusting. I hardly recognize anyone and all of last week I just felt like I had to leave soon. I think it’s just starting to sink in that I’m not going back to Ireland anytime soon, however, I am glad to be back. You can’t dwell on the fact that you’re back in the US, otherwise you’ll never move on in life, so I’m just accepting it and moving on.

Everyone seems to just be going back to school, but how are your semesters going so far? Or jobs? Or just life in general?

signature

Late Night Blogging with Mary: Part 15

late night blogging with mary

First and foremost I would like to point out that I haven’t done one of these in a week, so slow clap for me everyone. Also, I’m actually blogging not on the last three days of the week, so another win on my part.  But those two points bring me to my first problem of this LNBM, I’m in a blogging rut. I feel like I see so many people growing with their blogs or stopping. I feel like I peaked last year with my daily blog, seriously, I feel like this downward spiral with my blog and I think that’s because the way I am as a person.  I am one of those all or nothing people. If it’s not part of my routine I can’t do it. Well, I can, it just doesn’t flow as easily and I forget to do it.  I’m super frustrated with myself and that I just can’t seem to get out of this rut.

I am trying however, I think that if maybe I try to plan my blog posts out more I can provide more content, which is something that I like to do to better my writing skills, but I also have some type of structure to follow. Of course it can be mended because I don’t like to limit my creativity. I just want to strive to be a better blogger.

This week has been kind of stressful. I don’t want to get into all the stuff at the beginning of the week, but I’ve been kind of anxious and stressed about a lot. To top it off yesterday I lost my key, luckily I called the cafe I had class at yesterday and they had it so I got it today, very thankfully. I feel like Monday through Wednesday are busy and stressful and drag on forever, but then Thursday through Sunday go by in the blink of an eye. Time is such a weird concept.

Next weekend I’m going to Paris to see my dad since he will be there for work and I’m very excited. My problem is that I don’t get homesick, I just miss people a lot. However, with travelling and visits it will help that not be so bad. This weekend I think I’m going to a seaside town or something, definitely seeing more of Ireland.

I do really love it here, it’s so pretty. As much as  I get frustrated with the scheduling or feeling like I don’t have enough information, I do love the city. This is the first time I’ve ever lived in an actual city and it’s so convenient. Like I thought Frederick was nice and convenient, but really you need a car or need to know someone with a car. Here, the buses are great, but walking isn’t bad either. I really like it.

Goodnight world.

signature

Group Projects and Ending the Semester

Currently I have four group projects going on and a paper and an individual project all due next week. I have far too many responsibilities to be writing this but here are where the angers and frustrations go so they don’t get projected onto other people.

Group projects suck. I hate depending on other people for a grade, especially when I know people are unreliable. I feel like I have to do everything myself because even when I designate people can’t seem to do anything right. If you want something done right, you just have to do it yourself is really the best philosophy sometimes. I’m very frustrated with all of them and I feel the shutting out starting, like how I was last year and I would prefer that not to happen, but it probably will.

All of these projects and papers do however, signify the end of the year. Remember how excited I was last year? Not so much this year. I don’t have a job (I left there before I went to Florida in case I didn’t update you on that), I’m leaving people that I spend all of my time with and really care about this year, and I’m going to be home a lot longer this year. I know that makes me sound terrible to all the people at home, and yes I will enjoy seeing everyone at home, but I just know that this summer is going to be very different than last summer.

Everything just seems like it’s piling up on top of me and I’m stressed. Did I mention that I’ve had four phone interviews in the past three week and I’ve only heard no from two of them and nothing from the rest, and I have another tomorrow? There’s just a lot going on around me and I feel like I can’t get on top of any of it. I’m both completely ready and not ready for this semester to be over.

What is the stress on your end? Extreme or are you waiting for finals?

signature

End of Semester Stress

Okay the semester for me is three more weeks, it seems like for everyone else it’s two. I laid out my plan for the next three weeks and there’s a lot I have to do. I thought I had more but for some reason I can’t read my schedule and I think that everything due way sooner than it actually is. I think it is my brain telling me not to procrastinate.

I just got back from Thanksgiving break and I got a good amount of stuff done, I still have a lot to do though. I have to write an article based on data taken last week and a “blog post” based on two very short poems. The blog post has to be longer than the poems which is just very difficult for me to do.

I am dealing with my stress by making lists and rewarding myself with simple things like chocolate and walks to the water fountain. My roommate doesn’t get back until tomorrow so I don’t have to feel bad about having the light on late and typing up a storm tonight. The stream of coffee and other caffeinated drinks for me is slow. Caffeine is a stimulant so when I’m already stressed it really doesn’t help my anxiety at all. I am trying to stick to a cup a day but I’m pretty sure I’ll end up breaking that during the next few weeks. I am very tired and it’s 9:40. I have a long way to go tonight.

I wish everyone luck with their studies and papers and everything professors are throwing at you the last few weeks of the semester. Reward or stress tips anyone? Ironically when I’m less stressed I’ll be making a list of tips so if you comment with some I’ll link you in the post.

signature

Being Lost

After five hours in the car I came home to catch up on some YouTube and I watched this video. To be honest, I can’t tell you how I stumbled upon Will Darbyshire, he must’ve come up on my recommended one day or something but he has some of the best videos I’ve ever seen to be honest. He’s one of those people where I watch his videos and I just feel like if I eve met him we would be fast friends, I don’t know why I think that, that’s just what I think when I watch his videos. This is all besides the point though.

This video is about feeling lost and even though I’ve declared my major and made some other decisions I still feel unsure about a lot. Today someone came into my health class from the Heartly House, a local source for domestic and sexual abuse and it made me question my decision to be a communications major. While I love writing things like this, I hate doing news articles. I find them boring and frustrating but I don’t know what else I would do. This talk made me want to help people but how can you realistically help people and make money to accomplish everything I personally want to accomplish? I know that sounds really bad and selfish but I feel like the age I’m at, this is the only time I have to be selfish. I don’t have my own family (like a husband and kids) to worry about for quite some time and this is Mary Time but I still want to figure out how to help people and make a difference.

What does a communication major do to help people? Write about it? That doesn’t seem very useful to anyone. I’m sure there are resources and websites that are specifically for communication majors to help people and that’s definitely something I have to look into for post graduation, which I have PLENTY of time until then. I’m not sure. There’s just a lot of stress on the future in my head and I have this tendency to freak out about the fact that I don’t have a plan other than wanting to volunteer in an orphanage in China after graduation which seems really random and I have no idea where the idea came from it just is something I want to do.

I honestly think this existential crisis will continue until I have a solid life plan where I actually like something rather than it’s just tolerable. Blogging isn’t really a life career for me, it’s a great side hobby but I highly doubt it something that I could make a future out of. I have this idea in my head that one day I’m just going to fall into something and it’s just going to work out. I can’t plan my life like that though, that’s not how life actually works, as much as I wish it did, it’s not.

What are your life plans? Give me ideas.

signature

I Worry.

9ebcc3cf8bc6bc8b7cba200e188b0e5e

(Image)

I’m a worrier. I don’t know why, it probably it has something to do with anxiety or maybe it’s just the way I’m wired and part of what makes me who I am but it’s just something I do all the time. Every time I go anywhere I worry. I worry about myself, about my family, about my friends, about random people I don’t know.

I saw this quote today and I wasn’t sure how I felt. I want to think that I can be both. I see it this way, worrying is a part of my nature that I can’t really change. I’m always going to think of the worst possible outcome in any situation and I don’t think that will ever change.  This isn’t always a bad thing.

Due to my worrier nature I like to think of myself as an asset rather than a hinderance. While I’m sure I can be a nuisance in some social situations in which people want to have some reckless fun and I of course have to be the voice of reason, but in other situations I’m sure it’s a good thing that I’m the voice of reason. I believe that everyone needs a voice of reason whether they think so or not.

I worry whenever anyone leaves the house that they won’t come back. I worry about my friends drinking too much and not realizing it, then not getting to the hospital in time. I worry that I’m going to go blind every time the little black spot shows up. I worry that I’m going end up back in Lancaster post graduation. I worry that people I love are going to forget about me. I worry that I’m going to forget about someone important. I worry that I’m going to fail every time I try something new. Yet, no matter how much I worry it’s not as bad as I think it’s going to be *knocks on wood* (a worrier’s worst and most frequent habit).

Worrying prepares me for the worst but I like to still expect the best. It’s just how my  brain works and I don’t know why I had to write all about it. I guess it’s that just because I worry about every little thing it doesn’t prevent me from doing things. It doesn’t make me any less of a person, it just means that I put a little more thought into things before I do them.

You can be both, a worrier and a warrior, you don’t have to choose.

signature

How to Move on From Mondays

Today is Monday. Today is stressful. Today has been one of those days where I want to find a hole and cry in it for a very long time. Today has been a day, and it’s only Monday.

This is how I feel  most Mondays that are the starts of busy weeks, only looking forward to the weekend. I don’t like to live waiting for the weekend, I want to make the most of each day. Today is national coffee day and yet I did not make it to Dunkin to get free coffee and that really upsets me but I’ve been too busy with papers and other work to get into something like free coffee. How disappointing. I was also hoping to go on a run because I feel very stressed but that wouldn’t help anything.

How do you move on from these Mondays? I’m not sure, maybe look forward to dinners with friends or treat yourself with some chocolate (I do this way more than I should). I try to look forward to the little things in my day. Lately I’ve been running away from my problems, usually to Target. For some reason Target has become a happy place, even if I don’t buy anything it’s just a nice vibe for me.

So tomorrow is Tuesday, a day closer to the weekend, a day closer to doomsday (that’s what I’m calling three paper Thursday), but at least I get to sleep in a little bit. Wednesday will come sooner than wanted with a lot of stress, but Thursday will get here, I’ll hand in my papers and everything will be good and over with. I might have to not sleep a lot this week but that’s college and I’m going to make it through this Monday and get to doomsday. Maybe afterwards I’ll treat myself to some IHOP and a little bit of extra chocolate.

Hows your Monday going? Do you have a doomsday this week too? HOW ARE ALL OF YOU MANAGING BECAUSE I’M LOSING IT!

temp

P.S Guess what you can see in my Inner Harbor pictures? My really bad unshaven legs, good one Mary.

My Anxiety Won’t Win

No matter how long you’ve been following me, you know that I suffer from anxiety. For whatever reason today has been particularly bad, I’ve had a few small panic attacks, but I’ve had this general feeling of anxiousness all day. Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, feeling anxious all day or having one bad panic attack, at least then it’s over with, but then I feel really sad just because I feel mentally and emotionally weak. I’m not sure if that makes sense that’s just how I feel.

However, today I had a meeting with someone at work who works does PR for the company I’m working a for the summer. I had two hours from the time I started to the time the meeting began and I felt so anxious. I was afraid I wasn’t going to know what to say or how to act. It turns out I had no reason to be anxious because we hit it off! We talked the whole hour without a single moment of awkward silence. I acted like myself, told her about myself and my interests. I think that’s a great thing to do in situations like that because anxiety only builds with lies and pretending, or at least that’s what I think. She actually has given me the awesome opportunity to write a press release which is an awesome experience to have at 19. I’m so excited.

This really great opportunity brought with it anxiety, well maybe not with it because it was already there. I had to find the information for the press release, which meant I had to use the phone that has been sitting on my desk, used once to set up my email. For some reason making phone calls to people I don’t know makes me really nervous. I think I would actually rather meet someone face to face or even like skype them over a phone call. I don’t know why that is, but it actually caused me to have a small panic attack. I set little accomplishments so that I could do it. I retyped all the information I was given into a way that it was easier for me to understand. I then took out the questions I had to ask and typed those all up. I practiced reading them so I wouldn’t stutter, and to make sure that they made sense. After a lot of deep breathing I picked up the phone and dialed the extension. Let me tell you five rings in cruel to a person with anxiety, he didn’t answer and I had to leave a voicemail. The rest of the afternoon I’m waiting for him to return my call just working on some more powerpoint stuff and I think I’m in the clear at 4:50, but no, at 4:53 the phone rings. It went well, I asked him my questions and now I’ll arrange all the information tomorrow.

It might take me a little bit longer to do some things, but I’m not about to let my anxiety to stop me. There are so many things in life that I want to do and I don’t want to stop because I’m feeling anxious. I know there are going to be times where it does get the best of me, heck it gets the best of me a lot, but it’s not going to stop me. Even if something takes a hundred tries, or if I have to pick up the phone and put it down a few times before I’m not going to let this win. Today just justified that I can accomplish something great  a simple everyday task that makes me anxious if I set my mind to it. If I can do it, so can you.

XOXO,

Mary.

 

Hello fellow bloggers or readers that suffer from anxiety. I’m trying to a post on how to explain anxiety to those who don’t experience it and how they should handle someone having a panic attack. If you have any advice on this I’m trying to compile a list, so if you want email me at marysaverageadventures@gmail.com please it would be really helpful! You can stay completely anonymous as well.