Cutting People Out

There’s only so much you can do for people. As hard as you try, not everyone is fixable. There comes a point where fixing someone else can become detrimental to yourself. There comes a point where someone has used you so much you have nothing left to give. There will always come a point in time where it’s just too much for one person to handle and you have to walk away.

Giving up on a friendship or relationship or anything is so hard because you care about them. Yet, you care so much about them where you start to put their happiness above your own. Their happiness is being put above everything in your life, and that’s not fair to yourself.

While you shouldn’t always put yourself as a first priority, there comes a point where you have to be. If you are always putting someone else’s needs above your own you are only going to end up hurting yourself. You might be allowing yourself to be taken advantage of as well as let yourself be manipulated. There comes a time where you need to take the initiative and make yourself a priority for once.

After learning this the hard way and allowing people to take advantage of me time and time again, I’m at a place where I find it hard to trust anyone. I’m in a place where I make new friends but they know very little about me. Sure I care about them and all of their problems and I want to help them as much as I can, but I can’t let anyone in anymore, at least that’s how I feel. Because of being taken advantage of and not cutting people out when I should have I shut down so easily. As soon as the little bubble of fear comes up that someone can’t be trusted I don’t talk to them or say anything of importance. Sure my entire life is online, but I figure only those who care enough about me will actually care enough to read this so those people deserve to know.

Take my advice from my experience and allow yourself to be priority number one and cut people who don’t appreciate out. I’m trying to take this advice myself, but it’s very hard. It’s hard to cut people out who know so much about you, who you let in and get to know you. That’s why it’s so hard for me to let some people in. There are some people who I will never tell another detail of my life to again because they broke my trust. Trust is earned and easily lost. Keep that in mind for yourself but also when it comes to people in your own life. Does everyone you care for you really care about you? Cut them out before you reach the point of no return. Life is too short to spend time with people you don’t actually like. Find real friends and make real connections not just superficial ones.

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A Missed Opportunity.

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If you’re anything like me you might be afraid of missing an opportunity, any opportunity, every opportunity, just because of one decision you make. I’m always wondering what would my life be like if I would have done something differently.

I’ve been watching a lot of short films lately, it’s my new thing. In a lot of the romantic films someone missed a chance, but a lot of other took a chance. I think we need to do more of that, take more chances. If we took more chances we wouldn’t have so many regrets and I think that’s really important. Does anyone actually like to have regrets? Of course not, can we help it? Only sometimes. We shouldn’t be afraid to take a risk or two.

We focus on what can go wrong, not on anything that can go right. We mess up once and it prevents us from taking chances. You fight with a friend so you make less friends. You get annoyed and every person annoys you that day, you take it out on someone and then have the potential to lose that person. We let the negativity get to us and focus on all things bad, I know we do because I do it too.

If we were more positive and took more risks I think we would be a happier people. We would look at each other and see the good instead of seeing the time that a person hurt us, yet we live in this place where everyone has trust issues. You can’t trust a friend because they lied. You can’t buy something off of eBay because someone scammed you out $20. You can’t walk down the street without a can of pepper spray because of what you see on the news. We lived in a messed up world where risks hurt us so we don’t take them. Where once something bad happens we can never do it again. We are so afraid of risks and trusting people because someone screwed us over. That’s not fair.

Starting today, I’m going to take more chances, trust more people, and make the change to be a happier person. Why do we like to sit in our own sorrow and misery? Maybe it’s comforting, maybe it’s familiar and we think everyone does it. I’m stopping, making a change to be positive. I’m going to live for the now and to be happier and bring happiness to other people.

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I’m in love!

Okay, so I’ve come the conclusion in the past few weeks that I’m in love. No, not with some unfortunate boy, but with the idea of love, and I think we all are.  As a girl I was taught from a very young age that I should want to fall in love, have the prince rescue me from a terrible/bad/horrible situation, so we begin to romanticize these types of things.  I remember being in preschool and thinking I had found the love of my life because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.  As girls we grow up in a world to be dependent upon males.

I remember having a crushes upon crushes in elementary school, however, I was never the lucky girl to have a boyfriend.  In middle school it seemed to me that everyone was falling in love, everyday someone was in a new relationship and in love, because we thought that’s how love worked. Again I was never the girl with a boyfriend, but after seeing my middle school diary over this past summer I had thought I had fallen in love several times.

The time came for me to venture onto high school, and for whatever reason I decided that I was not cut out for love, and I was not going to be the girl to fall in love, or at least anytime soon.  Yet, January of that year a boy I had a crush on asked me to be his girlfriend, and I quickly accepted.  Now this being my first relationship I did not know how to react, we went on very few dates, to football games and the annual fair.  Sadly a little after a year, it ended.  In this whole timespan of over a year, we did not say the three magic words that everyone loves to say in their relationships, we sent hearts over texts, and yes I liked him a lot, but I did not love him.  After the sadness had ended, I moved on to another boy, but he was gross and I didn’t like him so we broke up. He was my first and only kiss.  I regret it deeply. It was obvious to me that I was not in love, even though he thought he was falling in love with me.

By this point I was almost seventeen, which to me seemed very old to not be in love, even though most of my friends were single and they too were not in love, but I had always grown up with the idea that I was going to fall in love in high school. My parents had been high school sweethearts, and I had always watched high school love stories where they lived happily every after.  I thought that I would be like my mom, falling in love at 16 and marrying young. It was about halfway through my junior year when I realized that love that young was not what I wanted.  At the time I really like my best friend, we had been inseparable since the beginning of the year and everyone had already thought we were dating. However, he did not want to date because he was not ready for marriage, and basically the timing was never right.  We had a falling out the following year and we haven’t spoken since.

As I neared the age of 18 I began to think about what I wanted with my life. I was scheduled to go on trip to Europe with 39 other high school students from the area, which I did and that experience changed my life.  It was this little “vacation” that brought me to the realization that I was not going to have the same love story as my parents. My best friend was not going to come to his senses like what happens in the movies and fall in love with me. I also learned a lot about myself.  I always knew that it was hard for me to tolerate people for more than a few hours, let alone a life time. I learned that maybe love wasn’t for me.

At 17 this is a hard realization to come to. As I wrote previously, it is in a girl’s DNA that she is supposed to fall in love. I had been taught through countless movies, the love stories of my family, and society in general, that I was destined to fall in love, get married and have a family. However, I also realized that I was really lucky to be realizing this now rather than later in life. I figured more out about my self in nineteen days then the rest of my life put together. I wanted to travel and I wasn’t about to get settled down after college to stop that dream.  Sure, senior year came and I had two crushes, but I never pictured the one going very far, and the other one crashed down around me and now I realize that it would’ve never worked out anyway.  I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want a love story, I want my own story.

As you may or may not know, I am 19 now and in college. I’ve been here for about three months now and I haven’t found anyone really, and I think it’s because I’m not looking.  If someone cute asked, sure I’d go out on a date or two, but I know it will be hard to find someone who wants the same things as I do.  Now, even though I’m not really looing that doesn’t mean I can watch a romantic comedy and not desire that kind of affection, because I do.  That doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous of seeing happy couple, because I do. I know I feel this way though because I was trained by society to feel this way. I know that for me to be myself and be happy it’s being single, or with friends. Maybe someday I’ll be lucky enough to find someone who wants the same things as me, but I don’t think that it’s going to happen. I’ve been taught to be in love with falling in love, and I no longer want that. I want my own dreams, and that’s what I’m doing now. I don’t think I realized this until I wrote it all down for all of you as well. Whatever happens now has to be God’s will because I don’t think I’m going to be chasing after anyone anytime soon.

So this was a very serious very long post, and I’m really thankful to those of you who made it this far. Thanks for reading. Love you all.

XOXO

Mary