Is it no big deal?

I do this thing when I really care about something or I really want something to happen I pretend like it’s not a big deal. The biggest thing I would say I do this to is marriage. Like I’m always like “I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to think about my wedding. Like let me just elope and get it over with.” It’s half true. I think weddings are hassles and I don’t know if I would necessarily enjoy it but it’s something that I would honestly like to experience in my life.

I doubt I’m the only one who pretends things aren’t a big deal that really mean a lot to them. I am well aware that I do this because I’m afraid these things aren’t going to happen for me. Like I honestly believe that I will not get married so I act like it’s something that I don’t want to do. I really don’t think I will ever be comfortable enough in a relationship to take those steps towards marriage so I just pretend like it’s something I don’t want.

I think a lot of people do this, we pretend things aren’t a big deal because it’s like that self-convincing thing. If you can convince everyone around you that something’s true- you’re eventually going to believe it too. So that’s why I do it. If I can tell myself that I look good everyday, I’m going to build my self-esteem, which I do and it makes me feel a lot better, however while this is a good thing to do, I do it with all the wrong things. “I don’t want to get married,” “I don’t really want a boyfriend,” “I don’t really know if I want to go into journalism after college,” these are all things I say to the people around me so I believe them.

Is is okay though? When I say it’s no big deal do I really mean that? Sometimes when you try to convince everyone around you that it’s not a big deal you forget what you really care about. I think I’ve started to rebuild what I care about.

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I’m in love!

Okay, so I’ve come the conclusion in the past few weeks that I’m in love. No, not with some unfortunate boy, but with the idea of love, and I think we all are.  As a girl I was taught from a very young age that I should want to fall in love, have the prince rescue me from a terrible/bad/horrible situation, so we begin to romanticize these types of things.  I remember being in preschool and thinking I had found the love of my life because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.  As girls we grow up in a world to be dependent upon males.

I remember having a crushes upon crushes in elementary school, however, I was never the lucky girl to have a boyfriend.  In middle school it seemed to me that everyone was falling in love, everyday someone was in a new relationship and in love, because we thought that’s how love worked. Again I was never the girl with a boyfriend, but after seeing my middle school diary over this past summer I had thought I had fallen in love several times.

The time came for me to venture onto high school, and for whatever reason I decided that I was not cut out for love, and I was not going to be the girl to fall in love, or at least anytime soon.  Yet, January of that year a boy I had a crush on asked me to be his girlfriend, and I quickly accepted.  Now this being my first relationship I did not know how to react, we went on very few dates, to football games and the annual fair.  Sadly a little after a year, it ended.  In this whole timespan of over a year, we did not say the three magic words that everyone loves to say in their relationships, we sent hearts over texts, and yes I liked him a lot, but I did not love him.  After the sadness had ended, I moved on to another boy, but he was gross and I didn’t like him so we broke up. He was my first and only kiss.  I regret it deeply. It was obvious to me that I was not in love, even though he thought he was falling in love with me.

By this point I was almost seventeen, which to me seemed very old to not be in love, even though most of my friends were single and they too were not in love, but I had always grown up with the idea that I was going to fall in love in high school. My parents had been high school sweethearts, and I had always watched high school love stories where they lived happily every after.  I thought that I would be like my mom, falling in love at 16 and marrying young. It was about halfway through my junior year when I realized that love that young was not what I wanted.  At the time I really like my best friend, we had been inseparable since the beginning of the year and everyone had already thought we were dating. However, he did not want to date because he was not ready for marriage, and basically the timing was never right.  We had a falling out the following year and we haven’t spoken since.

As I neared the age of 18 I began to think about what I wanted with my life. I was scheduled to go on trip to Europe with 39 other high school students from the area, which I did and that experience changed my life.  It was this little “vacation” that brought me to the realization that I was not going to have the same love story as my parents. My best friend was not going to come to his senses like what happens in the movies and fall in love with me. I also learned a lot about myself.  I always knew that it was hard for me to tolerate people for more than a few hours, let alone a life time. I learned that maybe love wasn’t for me.

At 17 this is a hard realization to come to. As I wrote previously, it is in a girl’s DNA that she is supposed to fall in love. I had been taught through countless movies, the love stories of my family, and society in general, that I was destined to fall in love, get married and have a family. However, I also realized that I was really lucky to be realizing this now rather than later in life. I figured more out about my self in nineteen days then the rest of my life put together. I wanted to travel and I wasn’t about to get settled down after college to stop that dream.  Sure, senior year came and I had two crushes, but I never pictured the one going very far, and the other one crashed down around me and now I realize that it would’ve never worked out anyway.  I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want a love story, I want my own story.

As you may or may not know, I am 19 now and in college. I’ve been here for about three months now and I haven’t found anyone really, and I think it’s because I’m not looking.  If someone cute asked, sure I’d go out on a date or two, but I know it will be hard to find someone who wants the same things as I do.  Now, even though I’m not really looing that doesn’t mean I can watch a romantic comedy and not desire that kind of affection, because I do.  That doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous of seeing happy couple, because I do. I know I feel this way though because I was trained by society to feel this way. I know that for me to be myself and be happy it’s being single, or with friends. Maybe someday I’ll be lucky enough to find someone who wants the same things as me, but I don’t think that it’s going to happen. I’ve been taught to be in love with falling in love, and I no longer want that. I want my own dreams, and that’s what I’m doing now. I don’t think I realized this until I wrote it all down for all of you as well. Whatever happens now has to be God’s will because I don’t think I’m going to be chasing after anyone anytime soon.

So this was a very serious very long post, and I’m really thankful to those of you who made it this far. Thanks for reading. Love you all.

XOXO

Mary

Random Rant of Feeling because I’m a Girl

So today has just been one of those days for me, one of those days where I just feel so alone and I’m tired of feeling like this. And I know this is like the complete opposite of my blog post last night. I just was like this kind of builds on it so I’m just going to post it today and hope all goes well, so here it goes.

I’m tired of feeling ugly all the time, but at the same time I don’t want to put effort into my appearance because I want someone to fall for me because of my personality not how hot I can look. I want someone to find me beautiful in my athletic short, yoga pants, jeans, t-shirts, and sweatshirts. At the same time though I wish that I could dress really nice one day and just grab some guys attention, I want him to look at me and do a double take. I want him to nudge his friends and be like “Who is that? She the prettiest girl I have ever seen.” I want a boy who will fight for that girl he saw that day, trying to find her. I want to be that girl he can’t forget, the one he won’t stop chasing. And I know this is stupid and cliché but this is what I want right now. I mean this guy could be my best friend first. The guy that comes over and watches movies with me in our sweats and pjs, and then he wants to go out for a change. Not a date. Just go out to go out. So I put on something nicer than usual and he just looks at me and is breathless. Then we go out more and we slowly fall in love. But at the same time I don’t know why I wish for all of this. Maybe deep down it’s what I really want, but I know I’m going to be alone for a good while so maybe that’s why I won’t let it happen.

So sorry for this little rant, it was more than twitter could handle for the night and I don’t have anyone to say this stuff to here so that’s that. I just needed to get this out. Hopefully someone out there can understand how I’m feeling. And that was actually a lot longer than I thought it would be so I’m sorry. Anyway, thanks for reading. It is greatly appreciated, I am sincerely grateful for all of you who read my blog, it means the world to me. I love knowing that there’s a few people out there that care what I think, or like to laugh at my life too. Thanks so much.

XOXO

Mary