I wish I was, I’m glad I am.

I think there are always things we think that we wish we were. I wish I was thinner, I wish I was more athletically talented, but I wish I was still more girly, I wish I didn’t have anxiety, I wish I could break the rules without feeling absolutely terrible, but I’m none of those things. I’m curvy, I’m lazy, I only do makeup if I feel like I’m obligated to, I can hardly go a day without feeling at least a little anxious, and if I even consider breaking the rules I freak out, but those little things is what makes me who I am.

We’ve grown accustomed to focus on all these things that we wish we are, maybe it’s because we have the ability to change things about us, maybe it’s because we see so much of what we could be. Technology is so developed that not only can we change what we don’t like about ourselves via surgeries, but we can see all of these people that we want to be like or look like on the internet, people we never would’ve known about without the mainstream mediums of media. We see all these “role models” of the “perfect” people that are nothing but photoshopped or displaying the perfect parts of their lives. We model our lives after the people who we think we want to be, but I think along the way we lose who we really are.

It’s okay to change habits so that you’re a better person, like to be healthier or fitter, but it starts getting weird when we start modeling our whole lives after other people’s. People will change their style, their beliefs, their thoughts all based on what a famous person does, or maybe even a friend or just some stranger on Instagram. There’s so much going on around us and I think we get way to caught up in all of it, I know I do sometimes and I hate that sometimes I really forget to be my own person.

As a kid we’re all individuals and as we grow up we lose that individuality that sets us apart from the rest, we like to think we’re different but really everyone is trying to fit the mold of who people think they’re supposed to be. Somewhere along the line all we want to do is fit in and fitting in isn’t being your own person it’s being the person your friends want you to be, your parents want you to be, your teachers want you to be, and that just gets clouded with the person YOU want to be. This whole idea of “I wish I was” doesn’t really just come from yourself and media it comes from the pressure around you too. The pressure of, “You could eat healthier, you could work out, why are you wearing leggings and a sweatshirt AGAIN? Put some makeup on, why don’t you just calm down? Seriously just move on, live a little.” can all get to be a little too much sometimes, especially when you think all of those things to yourself too.

Since moving onto college and learning more about myself I think I need focus more on who am rather than what everyone thinks I should be and maybe even changing what they expect me to be. I want to be myself. I don’t want to be afraid of what people think of me when I don’t leave my room for the day because I just feel anxious or I just feel lazy. I don’t want to feel bad when everyone only eats one cookie at dinner and I eat two, even though I skipped the fries. I don’t want to feel weird when my hair is in a messy bun and I’m wearing sweats. Honestly, I just want to be content with  who and what I am without letting others influence that decision. My little insecurities, my differences, my peculiarities are what make me who I am, and the same goes for everyone. Those insecurities drive us to hide away from what we really want to be, it’s what drive people to be miserable their whole life. I don’t want to be miserable my whole life. I want to be content, why doesn’t everyone strive for happiness instead of the standard cookie cutter human being they’re expected to be? I will never understand.

Here’s to standing out my friends.

XOXO,

Mary.

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Random Rant of Feeling because I’m a Girl

So today has just been one of those days for me, one of those days where I just feel so alone and I’m tired of feeling like this. And I know this is like the complete opposite of my blog post last night. I just was like this kind of builds on it so I’m just going to post it today and hope all goes well, so here it goes.

I’m tired of feeling ugly all the time, but at the same time I don’t want to put effort into my appearance because I want someone to fall for me because of my personality not how hot I can look. I want someone to find me beautiful in my athletic short, yoga pants, jeans, t-shirts, and sweatshirts. At the same time though I wish that I could dress really nice one day and just grab some guys attention, I want him to look at me and do a double take. I want him to nudge his friends and be like “Who is that? She the prettiest girl I have ever seen.” I want a boy who will fight for that girl he saw that day, trying to find her. I want to be that girl he can’t forget, the one he won’t stop chasing. And I know this is stupid and cliché but this is what I want right now. I mean this guy could be my best friend first. The guy that comes over and watches movies with me in our sweats and pjs, and then he wants to go out for a change. Not a date. Just go out to go out. So I put on something nicer than usual and he just looks at me and is breathless. Then we go out more and we slowly fall in love. But at the same time I don’t know why I wish for all of this. Maybe deep down it’s what I really want, but I know I’m going to be alone for a good while so maybe that’s why I won’t let it happen.

So sorry for this little rant, it was more than twitter could handle for the night and I don’t have anyone to say this stuff to here so that’s that. I just needed to get this out. Hopefully someone out there can understand how I’m feeling. And that was actually a lot longer than I thought it would be so I’m sorry. Anyway, thanks for reading. It is greatly appreciated, I am sincerely grateful for all of you who read my blog, it means the world to me. I love knowing that there’s a few people out there that care what I think, or like to laugh at my life too. Thanks so much.

XOXO

Mary