Lately I’ve been very anxious which is annoying because the past three months have been fairly well with few panic attacks and just feeling more chilled out about life in general. I’ve been shaking and crying a lot lately, but not full blown panic attacks except for a small one when I was driving the other day which made the icy roads even worse for me. I contribute the lack of them to being comfortable in my place in life and it’s not that I’m uncomfortable here it’s just that I keep finding myself in more uncomfortable situations which my body decides is intolerable and decides that it just needs to freak out about it a little bit. The worse part about being home is that when this happens there are few people who understand and they think I’m being dramatic, I’m not but what can you do other than move on? Nothing. Anyway, my sense of ease with this fresh set of onset anxiety has been to plan every detail of my life. I mean that’s why I freaked out and decided that my planner wasn’t good enough last week and had to go to Target in my ‘I give up pants’ because I needed to get my shit together. For some reason planning everything to the second is giving me a sense of ease.

My friend Logan (click on the link) is very involved is SGA (I can’t remember what exactly her position is so I’m just saying involved, but don’t take that as not important because she is very important) so she has been sending out emails of upcoming events and I’ve been writing down every single one in my planner so I don’t forget to go, because that’s something I typically do. I’ve also have been checking to see if my syllabi are up every day since the grades for last semester were due so I can print them out and put the dates in my planner. I’ve literally been obsessed with planning, a complete turn around from last year when I wouldn’t even use a planner, and I found that my hand was the best source of information for anything that I needed to do.

Planning is obviously a major piece of life and like how to go about things. Like I have always been really good about being early, one of my many mottoes is “if you aren’t early you’re late” which is both good and bad. It’s kind of bad when I plan on being a half an hour early to everything and then it’s like super awkward for me. The only time I’m ever late is when I either get lost (happens more frequently than I would like to admit) or I used to be late to dinner at school when I was just starting to get to know people because I was afraid of being there with just one other person and not knowing what to say. Anyway, I’m over that now and I’m usually early again.

I think this probably stems from my extreme need to constantly be in control of everything around me. It’s a real problem that I seem to have, whenever I am not in complete control of any situation I kind of freak out.

So planning is my new hobby for 2015 it seems. What do you guys use to plan/organize? I think that’s my next thing to get into- if this is what being a grownup is, I guess I’m ready. Just kidding, still not ready.



4 responses to “Planning”

  1. Mary,
    I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. I know how it feels to sometimes feel as though no one truly understands. While I understand you wanting to plan everything so that you feel in control, there are things in life that do not always go as planned (I know this is hard to accept because I too hope something will be a certain way and if it’s not, I get anxious). Anyways, I hope you know that I’m here for you and that you can always talk to me! Also, I don’t know if you’ve visited this site, but there are some great exercises on that I have found helpful (some stretches are harder but a few are simple and if you do them consistently, they are helpful).

    1. Thank you, I’ll be sure to check it out!

  2. I find it hard too to balance the tension between wanting to plan, but not feeling “locked in”. I find that it helps to clear my mind by acknowledging what’s really worrying me — which is a step before I even begin to plan.

    1. I know what you mean! Good idea

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