I didn’t know it was that bad…

So I’m on Facebook today and I see I have a message from my grandmother, okay that’s not really strange, except the message was. I saw my extended family twice over break which was nice because I never really get to see them that often, but I guess they saw a change in me.  She let me know that I could go over to her house anytime to have a good cry.  I guess it’s becoming more noticeable in my personality that I am unhappy. This is not who I want to be! I want to be happy, I want to feel confident in myself, I don’t want to feel so much anger and resentment towards myself all the time.  I didn’t know it was becoming such an overwhelming look to me.  I mean my mom didn’t even notice a few weeks ago! Hasn’t really gotten that much worse? I don’t know what I am even doing any more. I feel like everyday I have an internal battle with myself to not drop out. I don’t want to be here but I don’t want to be a “small town girl” any more.  I came here for change and I don’t think I’m getting it.  Maybe I’m not putting myself out there enough, but I feel like every time I try I get shot down again!

I’m back to blaming the prom guy.  I seriously don’t think I’ll ever be that happy again, and I will always resent him for making me feel happy in the first place.  If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t know what it felt like to have that pure bliss of happiness. That’s what really crushed me about the whole “I don’t like you” thing.  Not that he didn’t like me, but that he made me so happy and he had to take it away.  Maybe that’s part of the problem too, now I know what it’s like to feel like that.  I will always have the desire to feel like that again but I can’t.  I know, I know what you’re going to say, “Wait, the right guy is sure to come and you’ll feel a thousand times better!” but no I don’t want to wait.  

I saw a tweet last night that said you reach your lowest point of happiness at age 45 and I really hope that’s not true.  I don’t even want to imagine what it will feel like then. I feel like I’m at an all time low.  This is worse than the fifth grade when my best friend moved away and I wouldn’t talk to anyone for a week, mostly because I’m a “grown-up” now and I have to talk to people and I can’t lock myself away like I did when I was ten.  

I tried to find something here that makes me happy it just didn’t work out.  I am the treasurer of the class here, but no one tells me if we’re ever even doing anything.  There has yet to be a meeting about it. I joined Model United Nations, something I’m actually good out but they never give me information, and I try my best to be the ass-kissing freshman so they keep me around.

I think this is a big reason that I want to transfer. I’m so tired of feeling like shit all the time.  Thanksgiving was awesome because I finally got to be with my friends again, even if the one did seem to be lying more than usual.  I guess I just have to make it through the next 16 days until winter break and I have a month off to spend time with my friends and family.  Maybe things will be better next semester. I can only hope right?

So sorry about the super depressing post.  It sucks. Sorry, feel free to ignore this whole thing.  I just had to get this out because I don’t have anyone to talk about my feelings with so I write them to share with the internet. Whatever.  Thanks to those of you who did read this far, it means a lot. Seriously. 

XOXO

Mary 

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