Dating Diaries: Waiting Until Marriage

Family who reads my blog– please do not feel obligated by any means to read this post as I will be talking about sex quite candidly.

This is one of the hardest blog posts I’ve ever had to write because it’s such an unpopular choice that I have made. I don’t know when I made the conscious decision to do so, it’s just something that I decided I was going to do: I am going to wait until I’m married to have sex.

This makes dating complicated. We live in an extremely sexualized world. There are apps people use for the sole purpose of finding someone to have sex with. Then there’s me, making the extremely unpopular decision to wait. So why have I decided to keep the promise I’ve made to myself? To be quite honest, the decision started because I’m religious but I’m no longer doing it because of that. It is one part because it weeds out a lot of really shitty guys. If he gets annoyed about your wait to want or even tries to convince you to do otherwise you know he’s not even worth the slightest amount of time.

Aside from the benefits of weeding the shits out, it’s still not an easy conversation to have with anyone. There never seems to be a right time or place to blurt out “I’m a virgin and I’m staying like that until my wedding night.” In the past, I’ve found it easiest to say while intoxicated, but that’s just really not bright because it’s more than that. It revolves around boundaries and decisions that you have to be grown up enough to talk about. It’s  not fun, but it’s important.

Here’s my advice to anyone sitting down to have the conversation, just do it. I usually start by saying, “I really like you and I hope this isn’t going to change anything, but I’m waiting to have sex until I’m married.” After that, it’s hopefully a conversation, or at least he’s respectful of your choice. Every now and again you might meet someone who has the same plan, but for me, it’s been few and far between. It’s only impacted a relationship once or twice, but if I’m being honest I like to wait for them to get at least a little attached. The only downside to that is I also get attached. The sooner the better, but it’s also important for you to go with what you are comfortable with.

I’m not writing this post for other people to make the same choice that I have. It’s hard and it’s not for everyone. Due to my anxiety and severe commitment but also extreme attachment issues, it wouldn’t be smart for me to do. So I’m doing what I can for my Lord by saving myself, but that’s not all of it. It’s so much more than that.

What are your thoughts? Any other waiters out there? How do you have the conversation? One, a few, ongoing?


3 responses to “Dating Diaries: Waiting Until Marriage”

  1. Hi Mary, thank you for this post! I’m also waiting for marriage and it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one. I’ve never dated anyone, so I’ve never been in a situation where sex would be possible, so I’ve never had to broach this subject with a guy. It does come up with friends, though, and I occasionally have to spell it out. I like how you talk about your decision as being multifaceted. I’m like that too. For me, the decision was initially religious–although I deliberately avoided rings and contracts and all the garbage the right-wing purity movement puts out because it gives me the creeps. Now, though, it’s evolved into something more. I’m a private person in a lot of ways and I see my body as something special–I’m only going to share it with someone that really matters to me. I’m like that with a lot of things, not just my body. Trust, with me, is something that’s earned. I don’t let many people into my inner circle–and waiting to have sex until I’m married is a form of keeping myself (body, mind, emotions, all of it) secure until I’ve found someone who earns it. For me, marriage is one of the ultimate symbols of trust. Also, I like your reason of it as a vetting process. I may have to use that when I eventually enter the dating scene.

    1. Thank you for such a lovely comment. I avoided the rings and contracts too for the same reason! Plus that always seemed like a pressure from parents thing to me, and my parents never made me feel pressured to wait. I think it’s such an intimate experience and I wouldn’t want to just let anyone have that part of me. So glad I’m not the only one!

  2. […] girl. I’m sure you can assume it ended. It ended for exactly the reason I wrote about in my second dating diaries post, plus he didn’t know what he […]

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